Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
When my xgf dumped me end of March, I had mixed emotions.
On the one hand I was actually relieved. The pain was not as sharp nor deep as the first two dumpings. I had begun to understand she had some fairly significant issues and life with her would have been a constant struggle, filled with all sorts of drama and heartache. Since then I've even come to understand she was abusing me emotionally and psychologically. I don't think it was intentional. I just think it's who she is and I do have compassion for her because of this.
On the other hand the way she dumped me was vicious, and she used the sharpest verbal weapons, striking at my deepest and most profound vulnerabilities that I had willingly exposed to her. Things I explained to her early on because I loved and trusted her and wanted to be totally honest with her. It brought insecurities and great pain from the past back to the surface. Things I had worked hard for over three years to overcome and put behind me,
Anyway, I worked through it all again and got back to the very good place I was before we started dating. Obviously it didn't take years this time, but only a couple of short months.
I was feeling so damn good before the holidays, but then I started to hit bumps in the road. Triggers, I guess. The anniversary of our first date. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years spent with her and her boys. Her boy's birthday. All the good times we shared during the time we were together. I've been in a real funk since mid-November. :(
I also made a couple of big, idiotic mistake. I sent her holiday greeting texts on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing romantic, just standard Thanksgiving and Christmas greetings. Of course I got no response and to make matters worse I decided to try calling her and discovered she has my numbers bloced on her phones. I already knew she unfriended and blocked me on Facebook.
So now I'm sitting here feeling very low. I have all sorts of negative feelings swimming through my head. Rejection. Betrayal. Fear. Aloneness. Inadequate. Worthless. Undesirable. My confidence and self-esteem are in the gutter.
The way she dumped me and totally cut me off makes it look like she thinks I'm crazy, bad, evil, toxic, whatever.
On an intellectual level I know this is silly. As much as I don't like to label people, I'm fairly certain she's some kind of crazy. At the very least, she has an appalling lack of empathy. There were so many ways she could have ended it with a modicum of compassion and understanding. It's almost as if she denied me my humanity.
Am I nuts? Are these feelings normal?
On the one hand I was actually relieved. The pain was not as sharp nor deep as the first two dumpings. I had begun to understand she had some fairly significant issues and life with her would have been a constant struggle, filled with all sorts of drama and heartache. Since then I've even come to understand she was abusing me emotionally and psychologically. I don't think it was intentional. I just think it's who she is and I do have compassion for her because of this.
On the other hand the way she dumped me was vicious, and she used the sharpest verbal weapons, striking at my deepest and most profound vulnerabilities that I had willingly exposed to her. Things I explained to her early on because I loved and trusted her and wanted to be totally honest with her. It brought insecurities and great pain from the past back to the surface. Things I had worked hard for over three years to overcome and put behind me,
Anyway, I worked through it all again and got back to the very good place I was before we started dating. Obviously it didn't take years this time, but only a couple of short months.
I was feeling so damn good before the holidays, but then I started to hit bumps in the road. Triggers, I guess. The anniversary of our first date. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years spent with her and her boys. Her boy's birthday. All the good times we shared during the time we were together. I've been in a real funk since mid-November. :(
I also made a couple of big, idiotic mistake. I sent her holiday greeting texts on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing romantic, just standard Thanksgiving and Christmas greetings. Of course I got no response and to make matters worse I decided to try calling her and discovered she has my numbers bloced on her phones. I already knew she unfriended and blocked me on Facebook.
So now I'm sitting here feeling very low. I have all sorts of negative feelings swimming through my head. Rejection. Betrayal. Fear. Aloneness. Inadequate. Worthless. Undesirable. My confidence and self-esteem are in the gutter.
The way she dumped me and totally cut me off makes it look like she thinks I'm crazy, bad, evil, toxic, whatever.
On an intellectual level I know this is silly. As much as I don't like to label people, I'm fairly certain she's some kind of crazy. At the very least, she has an appalling lack of empathy. There were so many ways she could have ended it with a modicum of compassion and understanding. It's almost as if she denied me my humanity.
Am I nuts? Are these feelings normal?
And no, you're not crazy. Or crazy for thinking you're crazy.
It's just triggers, you'll get over it. (said gently) The good news is that the last swings on the rollercoaster are easier to get over. It's normal to feel them about the time of year that was special for the two of you.
Especially since you strike me as being a thoughtful and sensitive guy, those kids of wounds run deep, and even though we may be good at working through them and picking ourselves up and getting on with our lives.
I think now and again we are triggered back to some of those feelings so that we can truly work on what about them made it hurt so much. It sounds as though she was somewhat narcissistic and so they are pretty expert at getting into your head and messing with your mind. You are not crazy. You are just very real and very human! I hope you can soon find yourself able to get back onto a more positive path again.
Please don't doubt or second guess yourself, you have just hit a bump in the road to healing. I hope you can soon get an aha moment and realise why you feel the way you do. Maybe find yourself a support group to go to regularly.
I did that for myself this year, and I cannot believe the truths I have come to realise about myself just after a handful of meetings. It has really helped me to feel positive about my life again and how I can become a whole person if I really work on these aspects.
I had wondered where you had disappeared to, and I am sorry that you have been struggling so much lately.
As much as I do believe she abused me emotionally, I just can't be angry with her. I honestly believe it was not something she did intentionally.
I know the relationship was unhealthy, and probably for the both of us. On so many levels we are polar opposites. I know it's best that it ended, however I do wish it ended on a better note.
I also know I have absolutely no control or influence over how she feels or views things. This seems to have been one of the worst aspects of the relationship. I truly believe, based on her behavior and also conversations, she was looking for someone to make her happy. I can't do that. I couldn't do that. I seem to have been held accountable for failing to do that, and in very harsh terms.
I know I'm probably being way too hard on myself. The good news is I do understand this. I just have to get back to doing the things I did in the months after she kicked me to the curb.
So I have been in a two month funk, however the last 5 or so days I've begun to examine my feelings, trying to understand why. I think that's the first step to lifting myself back up.
but I tell ya, I went through a number, I don't even know how many, periods of sinking emotionally into sadness, longing, gaping emptiness inside, anxiety, darkness.
I agree it's all part of the grieving/recovery process. I wish so much it could be a straight line from dark to light, but it's not, it's a line that twists and turns, dips and dives, and ends up looking like a tangled mess before it starts to straighten out again.
Triggers, all sorts of things will set the sinking off, until, there just arent anymore.
(((hugs)))
try to think new thoughts so that your feelings can lighten.
but now her new husband has to deal with her. the load is off of me now.
Oh yeah, I have that too and in spades!!!!! I think that's what I meant by letting my focus shift back to her. How couldn't she see how committed I was? How much I loved her? How well I treated her?
I know the truth of the answers to those questions. I just don't understand how she didn't.
Joy, as always, you have some great insight.
the bottom line is though is that they made a conscious decision to stop and withdraw and turn their focus elsewhere.
let them go play musical chairs with someone else now.
Yeah, I know, and I was until the holidays. I think I'm upset and disappointed I let myself slide back to a place I thought was far behind me. That intensified my funk, and for the past few days I've been trying to be gentle with myself, let that go and begin to get back to where I was before the holidays. After all, I'm only human. I still put my pants on one leg at a time. ;-)
"we had very few problems but she exaggerated them way out of proportion to reality"
Wow faithful, that sounds so familiar!!!
letting them play musical chairs with someone else was my decision long ago when I decided to walk away...if only that clear headed decision would be all that was needed to keep one's emotions on the up and up, I'd be forever grateful...unfortunately though, it seems the dips and dives are par for the coruise whether you walk away or youre the one walked away from.
((Hugs to everyone))