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Dating during separation

llmt
llmt
Ok..this has probably been posted a million times but I was wondering the views on dating during separation..and not telling each other. Basically, here's my story in a nutshell...my husband cheated, I found out last year but based on emails I found in June, it had been going on for almost 2 years. We are still living in the same house...separate bedrooms and don't or haven't discussed anything regarding an agreement or divorce..nothing long term. Just separate rooms. Based on the amount of texts and calls that flow from his and the OW's phones, it's not just work related and I'm sure something is still going on...be it in the parking lot of their work. Anyway, I had a date last night and lied to him about where I was going..none of his business b/c he started all this shit. Anyway, I'm not sure I'm into the guy..I like his company and chats but I'm not too attracted to him. I feel so guilty about this "date" b/c my children are young and I wanted to be the one parent that is a good example..I feel no better than he is. I understand I may just need to be alone for the rest of my life. What is anyone's opinion on this or dating during a separation? I don't know about reconciliation. Don't think I could ever trust him again.
Rman
Rman
You are not the bad parent, llmt...
He cheated.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had no issue on dating, she cheated.
I didn't do it though until the legal separation papers were drawn and I knew we where over.

If there is a chance to get back together I wouldn't suggest it because it will be a big headache from that point on, but if you are done for sure, do not feel guilty, just focus more on yourself than any relationship. Do not pass up healing yourself to jump into another relationship.

Best of luck to you.
llmt
llmt
Problem is I don't know about reconciliation...I would love for him to be here and us to be together..but it's there is just way too much...too many horrible things said between him and his OW about me and their relationship. I just think I've been wrong and I did wrong and I am no better than him b/c we are still married. I just wish I put though into it last night and really looked at the ramifications. He cheated first..yes...for 2 years while I was the faithful wife...but now I feel I've done wrong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Throwing two cents into the hat...

Once you "split" both parties know there is no future. He has made his choice and KEEPS MAKING IT EVERY DAY. He has had time to turn around and he hasn't. He texts her while in yoru house. He see's her everyday and probably has sex with her at least once a day. (I do not say that to hurt you) So his choice has been made and one thing I have learned is you can not force someone to love you. In fact the more you try often times the farther away the go.
It is time for you to start taking care of you. I would bet you are not looking for a life mate at this point or even just sex. I think you are probably loooking for some adult conversation, adult relaxation and someone that actually wants to be around you. If that is what is going on then there should be no problem. In fact it would do him good to see you starting to move the center of your universe off his sorry ass...

Two cents hit the bottom of the pan with a clang...
deleted_user
deleted_user
If your seperated, it's fine. However, liveing in the same house with the stbx puts it in a grey area. Just my opinion....
deleted_user
deleted_user
My thought are that you need to discuss "an agreement or divorce."
FrankTheGreat
FrankTheGreat
You guys need to start down the path to divorce and ending your marriage, but generally speaking, I don't think you owe him anything at this point. I dated during the period I was separated but lived in the same house, though, so I'm biased.
deleted_user
deleted_user
ll ... don't sit around feeling guilty ... If you think about it too long, you're going to drive yourself crazy. You're a great Mom ... you know it and we know it. If meeting up with this guy bothers you this much ... maybe you're not quite ready yet ... take your time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
dating before your divorced is something you really need to think about a long time before doing. In my personal opinion it is bad for you in many ways. One you have not come to closure with your current situation putting any relationship you would have in danger. Most states consider it a big no no as far as courts are concerned. My lawyer specifically said do not date at all til it is over. It can be used against you in court. Most people are not emotionally able to date until after the papers are signed as it is a symbol of the situation being over with. most people just drag thier divorce baggage into new relationships. take care and good luck whatever you decide.
solongbye
solongbye
I agree with Gocolts, it isn't worth the guilt you're feeling. You are the only one that can decide what is right or wrong. He lost the trust a long time ago. Maybe a formal separation first will make you feel better about dating?
deleted_user
deleted_user
llmt, don't feel guilty about going out on a date. You tried it, it helped you to think about your situation.

I think the answer to this question is different for everyone. You have to do what you can live with. If you feel bad, if you are worried about your children, then I wouldn't date. Also, I do think that dating too early is never a good thing, and only ends up in more heartbreak. But truly it's up to you and how you feel about it.
llmt
llmt
Frank we are in the same house too...I think based on the majority I made a huge mistake...HUGE...and now I don't know how to fix it. Christ...see what the tempation of a drink does to someone.
FrankTheGreat
FrankTheGreat
llmt, to be blunt, who gives a shit what the majority of people say? The important thing is, do YOU feel okay with what you did? Do YOU think it was wrong?

This isn't like committing murder or stealing from the church collection plate. This isn't a black or white situation. Reasonable minds can differ. So forget what we all say. What's important is what you say.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Damn it, I said that, Frank!

I said the answer is different for everyone!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I didn't want to date until the divorce was final either, just something that is in me said it was wrong for me.... even though my marriage had been over for five years, I just couldn't do it.

Get this, my Ex, during the five years before the divorce, she was approaching women telling them to try and seduce me so that she can catch me in infidelity and sue me for divorce and get the maximum support out of me, I have been told by at least 8 women that told me this, what a psycho my Ex was or should I say is.