Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Been thinking about dating but don't even know where I would start. How long do you wait...do you ever really feel 100% better, then date? How do you trust again? How do you do this again...I forget? Is anyone else trying?
First: I did not date until well after the divorce was completed. I think that is just asking for trouble, and it baffles me when people do that.
The advice I got was that should spend more time doing things for myself, and making my own situation better before I try again. So, Took up Skiing, got even more involved with my son's scout troop, etc. Once I had filled all my time with things that I enjoyed doing, only then did I try dating again. The idea is this: if I have to give up something I really like in order to go out on a date, it had better be worth it. It gives you a much better perspective on how to filter out the people you might try dating.
I waited a about 9 months after the divorce was final before I went out with someone. She was very nice, we saw each other off and on for about 6 months but the LTR made it excessively hard, and I think it was too soon for me anyway. It might have worked out differently if we had crossed paths a year or two later. Honestly, I thought I would be ready for it after a year of being separated and a year of being divorced, but once dipped my toe in the dating pool, it just didn't feel right.
Tried dating again after 3 years. Much better the second time around. I had installed Tinder on a lark, and was trying to see what all the fuss about it was. When I got a match later that day, I was kinda surprised, (crap, what do I do now?!?) Anyway, I decided to go for it. Got several matches, about 1/2 of which I was able to have a conversation with. Exchanged phone numbers with one, called & face time once, then went on a dinner date. Ended up seeing her for about 4 months. (again, very nice woman, but was looking for something a bit more serious than I was so we parted amicably)
Took a few months off and tried Tinder again, met a woman, and we're still dating 2 years later.
So as far as how long it takes, crazies, catfish, etc. Be patient. It took me about 3-4 weeks online before I got to a date in real life. The best way to deal with that I think is to just expect it to go slow, and see what happens. First you send someone a message on the dating site, see if they respond. Try to have a conversation with them. It's an interview to see if you want to give them your phone#. If they pass that step, have a phone call. if that works, use skype or facetime. See if they look like their photos. All of that is an interview to see if you like them enough to go on a date. I would say, for me, each step would cut the number of people in half. e.g. I'd get a match, and only half would respond to a message. Those who responded, half just didn't have enough in common to carry on a conversation. Several would drop out at the point when I asked to skype or phone, either they weren't interested, or perhaps a cat-fisher, who knows. Anyway, by the time I actually asked a woman out on a date, I had a pretty good sense what I was getting into. But, knowing a woman would have concerns as well, I would always propose to meet them at the restaurant, have dinner and call it a night for a first date.
So some apps like Tinder I think work well because you can only message people who are interested in you (and you are interested in them). This makes the introduction a little easier because you both know there is at least some mutual interest there. I think Tinder does get a bad rep with people as a hookup app, however it really is what you make of it. If you're up front about wanting to date people long term, I think it works well for that too. All the women I met on it said as much in their profile.
On kids: One thing I have heard from many people is that kids don't need a revolving door of dates and partners running through the house. For that reason I decided that I don't introduce my son to anyone who I haven't been seeing for over a year. One woman I dated was interested in setting up family picnics, movie nights etc after 4 months, and I just wasn't willing to do that. So, every woman I have dated since, when the topic of kids comes up, I am pretty clear about this boundary. "This has nothing to do with you, however I am not going to introduce you to my son for a very long time, probably not within the next year." So far, this hasn't been a problem, however if it was, I would not continue to see them.
before even thinking about dating.
I am two years post divorce and still not ready
Or resolved enough. I no longer still feel married
After I finally detached from him. If you still Feel
attached You are not ready to date, IMO.
When dating you are taking a chance of getting
Hurt again. Know that going in otherwise you will
Just be going thru the motions. Personally i want
To just be friends only for awhile.
Some people love the online dating arena, its not
my Thing. I believe for myself if its meant to be it will
happen And if it doesn't so be it. HUGS
I'm quite happy being single and doing some self exploration for now.
I honestly have no desire to complicate my life.
I get up in the morning and don't answer to anyone.
I'm enjoying that
I've casually dated since but no one has really stood out and I'm finding it's getting easier to be alone now. Not sure what the future holds. I'm being cautious yet optimistic.