There's no regard for your son whatsoever. This is who he is. He wants everything to be happy, everyone to accept everything, and the world to be a glorious place. I'm not certain he gets the concept of being unselfish, even after 2 years.

Unfortunately, the flavor of the week didn't have the insight to say, "You have your son for 2 weeks, why don't you focus your time strictly on him?"

I am hardly on the BU&D any more. However, I popped by today just for a peek.

My kids just visited their dad--they were supposed to be with him for 7 weeks for the entire summervand he called after 2.5 to ask to cut the holiday short. They met his girlfriend(s) (another one on a different visit to a different country) and his children that he fathered during the marriage to me.

It was also their first time alone with him since the divorce 3 years ago (I work internationally) and I also would have thought that this would be their time together.

I also do not understand, however, I remind myself that their relationship with their dad is theirs and not mine and his with them is his and not mine. My kids are not talking about the visit and they are not acting out so I think they are processing it well.

Namaste - god, I have such an issue with this as well. My x has been involved with the same woman since April of last year, and I met her, so I'm cool with it, but we also live in the same state, so he sees my son on a more regular basis than yours.

HOWEVER - my x also has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 15, and this summer was the FIRST time she has come down here, alone, to visit him. He wanted to "show her that it's not all fun and games here and that he actually works and is busy." His kid spent all this time with him and his GF, she did chores, watched HIS softball games, and then got left alone all day while he went to work because he couldn't even take one day off while she vacationed here.

Even though she is no longer my business, I was involved in her life for 12 years, so it bugs me how little he does with her, and then how he felt like he needed to teach her a lesson. Like you said, can't you just be a DAD for two weeks? My god, even "sharing" custody, I still have our son 80 percent of the year, and you wouldn't believe how often he needs to fanagle his measly 20 percent because all of HIS needs comes first, then our son...and, waaaaay off in the distance, is his daughter.

I agree with you. Two weeks? Let the gf chill at her house while you actually take time to see your kid.

It's irritating, but also goes to show, this is why we woke up and dropped them, and they can be someone else's problem now.

Also, glad your son is back, safe and sound, right where he should be. I know you missed him :)

My ex fiance used to do the same thing, bringing his son to my house to stay for the weeks he had him in the summer and then not do a damned thing with him. Not even buy the food that the kid liked to eat. Every year before he came I would sit down with Kevin and go over what I hoped would happen - it never did. As the week would go on I would become so uncomfortable that I would literally hide in my bedroom while the two of them sat in the living room staring at the tv. I could NEVER get it, and it made me lose respect for Kevin every year that he did it.

Yes, I have to accept this who he is....and I do....but damn....what about the kid?!?! What happened to children first?!?!

It's actually kinda comical. As my son rambled on about the gf....she's a navy MP! Lol! I wonder if his arrest record impressed her?!?!

Comedy....I tell ya....

It's unfortunate he doesn't see the light, and even more unfortunate that you'd be the last person he'd entertain taking advice from.

My kids have what I call a poison IV. Slowly seeping into their blood stream, perpetuated by their mother. There's a lot of conjecture, and assumptions that she'd imparted on them as fact.

All in all, I'd consider yourself lucky that his exposure was only for two weeks. Any damage done in that time frame, you have a year to undo.

namaste,

I wonder about folks sometimes. If I only had my kid for a few weeks then it would be 24/7 whatever they wanted to do. Me and them.
That said, I know folks who would do the same thing your ex did. He will regret his actions eventually. You just continue being the best mother you can and focus on that!

My STBX is the same way; always was. What they want is always more important than their kids, spouses/significant others, or anyone else for that matter. So sad. Then they wonder why their kids don't want to spend time with them. Duh.

It doesn't really surprise me.

The two are basically strangers. "Dad" wouldn't know what the kid liked to eat, to do, and probably wouldn't have a clue for how to start a conversation with him.

Any suggestions from you, for any of the above, would likely be totally rejected.

Add to that the feeling that he Should know what to do with his own child (which of course he should).....r..and he's likely to do nothing rather than deal with his own discomfort.

Kids that aren't bonded to someone are often a bit prickly strangers....so your son, who may be really open and outgoing with you and your family, was probably a bit standoffish (understandably) with "dad".

Being around the other kids and interacting with them, may be a sort of coping method for his discomfort. And a way to feel not totally inadequate as a father...

Just my two cents.... (and the way I'd explain it to my kids).


Sounds like your kid was a class act on his "visit" (something else I'd emphasis to my kids).

The balance for me is to explain, without excusing, and to ultimately prevent my kids from feeling jealous, idealizing their dad, nor to not totally dismiss him, or to feel rejected by him....

I wonder if these exes, any of them even have a clue what they should be doing with their son or daughter. Did any of these men have a good father that would teach them how to be a father????
Just curious, it just seems like they are clueless.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I appreciate them. When I present this topic with most people I usually am confronted with "you're being ridiculous. Life goes on"

True. And untrue. Life does go on, but not at the expense of my child. I try to be the best for him every day and in every way. And am especially guarded in his emotional needs and well being.

And who is this woman? If I were even entertaining a "relationship" with a man who had this limited time with his child, I'd tell him...see you in a few weeks/ when they're gone. Enjoy your time as a parent.

Can't wrap my mind around it. And I have to continue to accept that this is who he is.

I'm not angry. I am irritated. On lack of respect and regard. And, that is mine to own. But...sheesh!

Furthermore, my exes father left him as a young child and raised another woman's children. To this very day, my ex is angry at his father about this, yet completes the cycle. I refuse to allow him to use that as an excuse when he does the same.

The only thing that guy has going for him, is that my son is a kind, caring, highly compassionate creature. Anger isn't in his being.

Mind numbing....

Namaste - I feel like you and I must have known each other in some former life, because so much of what you said in reply 11 sounds likes me.

My ex, also, had a crappy Dad. His dad and mom divorced when he was three, and his Dad remarried to a woman with three kids, all of whom he is still actively involved with, plays Grandpa to their kids, etc. My ex and his sister lived 30 min from him, and he never saw them.

Fast forward to adulthood, my ex is still trying to have a relationship with him, It's almost pathetic now. Last year, at xmas, his Dad wanted to get his wife a family photo of the entire family. Because of the lack of relationship with his father, my X took a pic of himself with my son and his daughter, and then his Dad photoshopped it in. THAT is how uninvolved his father has been his whole life.

BUT, you said it perfectly: "I refuse to allow him to use that an excuse." Would he be a better father if his Dad had been one? Probably. But, what else do these men have in common? Your ex, my ex, my ex FIL, your ex FIL ALL had children with women who PUT THEIR CHILDREN FIRST. WE, the women, took it seriously that this little person is ours and is the most important thing in the world to us.

Yeah, its not a excuse and I'm glad you don't accept it.
My parents plain sucked and still do. I could share stories but don't care to reminisce. Take my word.
Having grown up in such an environment, I learned what NOT to do as a father.
My kids are the most important thing in my life. I'm active with them at school, sports, just hanging around, etc. Even though my wife has custody (I wish I could go back and get joint custody. The only thing i regret about the divorce). I still hang out with them more then the 3 days expected.
Not expecting an award or anything but just agree with you that your past is no excuse for the present and future. Especially when it comes to your kids. Some people....

I believe that when the kids have a parent that puts them first, then has another parent that just sticks them in there somewhere, that the kids realize it.

Eventually as they age they may not want to go see him and they know he didn't put them first and that he put others first or sports first or whatever.

It's selfish and it's a me first when it should be kids first. He digs his own grave on this one then won't understand later why the kids aren't so crazy about him.

Namaster02,

First, I applaud you for having some humor in a moment when there is not a lot to laugh about. I can't imagine someone being so selfish as to introduce someone new into your child's life. In the big picture of the family dynamics we are taugh to respect your mother and father , yet why can't the parent share the same respect a child gives them and afford the child the same amount of respect back.? You said your ex has not seen his Dad in almost two years, yet he needed to have someone around to support him.....with all do respect to you.....he's a very weak man. I'm so sorry your son and you have to go through this. It one thing to go through all the pain, suffering and grief over the divorce, yet the one person you never want contact in your life will be with you as long as kids are involved.