YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!!!! Why should you put on a dog and pony show for your family??? Would your son rather spend some seperate time with mom or have her around and have his dad be unhappy and uncomfortable???If she has a problem with it ...too damn bad!! You need to stand up for yourself and tell her that you do not feel comfortable having to lie or pretend for your family and that you are more than happy to make seperate plans for the three of you or her and your son to do something after the family gathering. If she makes a fuss then she obviously is not wanting to be there for your son and is wanting to cause chaos. I know it sounds funny but you need to take care of YOUR feelings and you need to tell her to back off. It is time to take care of yourself. That is going to be the best thing for your son. Hang in there! I am sending lots of hugs and some really good chocolate!!

It's about your son. Ask him what he would want. The fight can resume with the wife post the birthday. It's about the child. My ex went off to meet a woman he met online on our son's 6th birthday after he hasn't seen him since the end of June. He sent him a card the next week with 6 one dollar bills. So, make it about your child. The fight will be there the next day. You know where I am coming from on this.

You guys are not together anymore - you should start acting like it - and yes even on your sons birthday. It was hard for me to not be with my daughter on her birthday because of our separation but it is what it is. I had her for a little bit during the day and then the X got her in the evening and took her out to dinner with his parents. There was no way I was gonna intrude on that or feel awkward or MAKE things awkward on my child's very special day. It was incredibly hard for me not to be with my baby and I did cry half the day because of it.

The fact of the matter is that this is how it's gonna be from now on. It's best to just accept it. Tell her that she can have him for part of the day and you have him for part of the day with your family... and because of the situation you are in she is not invited and that you would HOPE that she would understand. Tell her that you are NOT going to be putting on a show. Good luck.

exxxxxxxxxxactly rack......you aren't together, holding an united front and hanging out together "for the sake of the kids" is not entirely realistic in the world today.

It's going to be this forever, it's birthdays, thanksgiving dinners, easter dinners......pick your dates and work from there.

I"ve decided to hold christmas next year either December 24 or December 26. They can wake up at his house on Christmas morning, spend the whole day and come to my place that night, go to bed and do the same thing at my house. WAY less stress on them, nobody is freaking out over "MY time...don't be LATE..."

I did it. I've done it. I'll do it again. I know it's unconventional. I know it seems weird. But it's about the kids' birthday. It is not your kids' fault your marriage fell apart. He might think it is his fault. Make sure you tell him it's not. What's the big deal? Can't you be happy and celebrate for a couple of hours? Can't you put aside your anger to celebrate the birth of a wonderful human being that you love beyond measure? It's about him. The person you two made together. You were not opposed to being in the room when he was conceived, right?
Be in the room to celebrate his birthday.

Personally, I'd rather shoot myself in the head than sit with my ex, his new partner, and their little brady bunch family.

It would be intensely awkward for me, I would not enjoy myself, and that would in turn make my kids feel awkward. Why would I do that?

Omg, tell her to piss off! Seriously, if everyone knows what's going on any way, why would she think she should be included? Now, I am more than happy to be rid of his family, so I wouldn't even pretend to want to be around them, but what does she think happens when you're separated? If the two of you can talk and agree on custody like adults, she should understand that you will do things with him when he's with you, and vice versa. She needs a grip.

Kids are simpler than all that.

Some cake, some fun activities with other kids, a few god presents. A parent or grandparent to let them know they are loved. And NO ADULT DRAMA. That's all the kid needs to have a great birthday.

It'll be fine. The main thing is the NO ADULT DRAMA. So keep the number of adults that have drama potential as small as possible. If that means you have to have behind-the-scenes drama with other adults, so be it.

And no kid is going to object to an extra little party with the other parent.

It'll be weird for you. And for all the other adults. It'll be fine for the kid as long as the adults behave.

IDK I mean kids pick up on tension and drama even if it's trying to be hidden. With you already not feeling comfortable about her being there is already showing that you are anticipating things to be weird. Again this is your son's special day.

If this was a party planned in a neutral place like a restaurant or kid's party place like Chuck E Cheese then I would say you would have to suck it up, but being that it's with your family at what I would assume is your family's house then it's kinda your 'territory' and knowing your story and how she sprung this divorce on you suddenly I'm sure your family has already formed an opinion of her that is not pretty. You can only control how you act and react - you can't control anyone else. Because this is the case, you have to be sure you do damage control and if that means not letting her come then so be it.

Good luck! (((((WindClimber))))))

How old is your son? And are you still living together? Does your son know that a divorce is coming? If he doesn't or if he's under 5 then I say suck it up and deal with it.

If the two of you are living apart, and he's older, then I see no reason to play the happy family. It would probably just make your son confused. Kids go through the whole roller coaster of hoping too, and he doesn't need that on his birthday.

She can always make another cake, and do presents at her place. What kid doesn't want to have two birthdays a year???? (For that matter you can give him mine...I'm tired of them.)

Thanks everyone.. for the record, he'll be 6, and my family accepts her as part of the family because she is his mother, however they will support whatever I decide. I have a great family and they are very understanding.
He knows about the divorce, as much as a 6 year old can, and I have been staying at my mothers during my time home from work.
I just dropped him off back "home" as I have to fly back to work tomorrow for 6 weeks. We talked a little about it, and at first I was still going to say no, but I told her I would suck it up. I don't think it will be too bad. This is only 3 weeks along and I think I'll be a little less angry and bitter come April.
We'll see how it goes...

In my experience an arrangement like that has to be something everyone wants in order for it to be as nice as it should be. I really wanted us to reunite as a family for our son's first birthday and Christmas after the split, and even though my exH and I split amicably, we both found it awkward, not for us, but for the extended family members, who were still in the midst of dealing with their own grief about the breakup. MY mother loved my exH, his mom and sister loved me. SO there were tears on both occasions, and they werent mine.

We decided the more loving thing to do was to keep the celebrations and families separate (except for things like his upcoming gr 8 grad and confirmation - but then 11 years have gone by now).

Oh this shindig isn't until April? I thought you were talking like it's going to be next weekend or something. You can't predict how you are going to feel - or how she is going to feel - about this process 3 months from now. You guys might be very good friends or it turn ugly (I'm hoping not) and be bitter enemies to where you can't even look at her face.

It's good that you talked to her about it today. Just keep an opened mind and don't stress about it. Keep the lines of communication going for the sake of your son.

oh wow, 6.... I think the two of you should cater to HIM

what would be best for him on HIS birthday? it's not HIS fault his parents are leaving him split.

if you both love him, make it HIS day.

if there's more than 5 people at any given party, you two don't even have to look at each other, let the grand's do the party stuff and be there for your BABY

I can talk about this subject from both sides--There is no way in the world that I would be able to sit around with my stbx at anybodies birthday let alone my childs. The memories alone of the lost love and family would be enough for me to endure and pretend that all was ok. I say they chose to leave--that decision has consequences and one of those is they now have to endure missing out on family time. Tell her she can not have her birthday cake and eat it too. Now having said that I will tell you that I have a sister in law who attends all family functions with her x (my brother) and his new wife and all goes well. They sometimes set next to each other and it has always amazed me. So the moral to the story i guess is if you can do it--it does work--BUT if you are still very bitter probably best not to try.