Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone
I'm new here. I'll try to be as brief as possible because this is a long and complicated story about a very complicated relationship. As I write this and say stuff out loud I know that if it was another woman telling me this story I'd either think she was a bit weak and pathetic or just tell her to get the hell out. Yet I find myself sitting here crying and feeling like I'm the bad person.
To begin at the beginning, I've been seeing my partner for almost five years and living together for nearly two. We are both in our early forties, both have pretty major trust issues (him because his ex accused him of a crime he didn't commit and took all his money, me because I was raped by my long lost half brother a few years ago- drama, right there, before anything ever even started) and I have a 14 year old daughter from my previous marriage.
From the start, he's been complex to say the least. We've had more ups and downs than I can count and broken up a few times, once for three months. Despite this we do love each other deeply and have that Taylor/Burton thing where we can't seem to be apart. He's nasty when he's had a drink and has exhibited controlling behaviour on many occasions- mainly punishing me for days if I ever take a step out of line by blanking me, telling me I messed up, I couldn't survive without him etc. As I am writing this I can't actually believe how stupid I've been to put up with it. I'm still here because most of the time (and I know most of the time isn't enough) he's kind, gentle, funny and very sensitive. He takes in injured animals, will do anything for anyone and is very charismatic and fun to be around. He's never laid a finger on me although he has often been very verbally abusive when he's had too much to drink.
The latest drama- and the one that seems to be the nail in the coffin- stems around the three month break up we had back in 2014. I can't even remember why we broke up now but we'd been rowing a lot. We still texted occasionally and met up for coffee a couple of times, but we were definitely "on a break" as they say in Friends. During that time, I was paranoid about another woman. I don't know how I knew, I just knew something was going on. I asked about it many times, and again recently, and he's always vehemently denied it. I've made it clear that if anything happened when we weren't together I would be ok, I just wanted to know for my own sanity, and obviously for my own sexual health. Constant, passionate denial from him- I was paranoid, she's just a kid (she's 24), she just had a crush, nothing ever happened. Time and time again, same response. So much so that I actually thought I was A) mad or B) a horrible bitch for doubting him.
Anyway, we have been getting on really well recentlyand just had a great weekend. For some reason, some little devil sat on my shoulder and whispered in my ear to check his phone on Sunday night, straight after that perfect weekend. I have never done this before, and I'm disgusted with myself fo doing it, but when he went to the loo I checked his phone. I'm aware I sound like someone off Jeremy Kyle but I went through his Facebook messages and found stuff I really didn't want to see. It was exactly the time I knew it was, even down to date (she called and hung up one night when I answered), and it was sickeningly obvious that they'd slept together. It was also pretty obvious that he'd panicked and realised he wanted me back, and he did come back to me pretty much straight away.
I told him straight away and apologised for looking. He went absolutely off the scale. Threw me out in the street, told me I was an evil, manipulative bitch who betrayed his trust. He is furious that I invaded his privacy. Today he is still saying he hates me, I've ruined everything, how could I ever destroy the trust that it took him so long to build with me? He accepts no responsibility whatsoever for the fact that he has lied to my face for two years and possibly given me an STD. It's just all my fault, and if I've opened Pandora's box I deserve what I get. He says he kept it quiet to protect me and us (that may be true) but still shows no remorse for the lies.
So here I am sitting here with absolutely no idea what to do next. He insists it's all over, although he has said the same many times before and he always keeps me worrying for a few weeks before taking me back- usually when I've felt so awful about how I've behaved that I've forgotten why I felt the need to in the first place.
I expect you will think I'm crazy for even wanting him back. He's saying I can stay in the house til I find somewhere else and that he still wants us to go for dinner together with friends tomorrow night (!) but that it's all over. My daughter is staying at her dad's for a few days because I don't want her to be part of all this drama.
My question is, am I wrong for looking at his phone? Does it mean I'm an "untrustworthy c*@t" as he has called me, or am I justified because it proved what he's been denying for two whole years?I'm so tired and lost and confused that it would really help to hear another perspective. Thanks
Having said that, your relationship wasn't healthy to begin with, hence his cheating, lying about it, and your feeling the need to go into his phone.
No you shouldn't have gone into his phone.
Personally if I so strongly felt something was up I would ask. As cheaters are often liars as well, I'd ask myself at that point if I still wanted to be in a relationship where I was getting that vibe, and if I wanted to live in an atmosphere of distrust. Since the answer would be no, I'd then take the initiative and leave. Really. I wouldn't care what platitudes were thrown my way, I'd trust my intuition and leave.
Why you want him back is beyond me.
You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life going through someone's phone. I wouldn't.
As for him, he was busted. Too bad. Thats what happens when you lie to and deceive your partner.
Just seems completely dysfunctional. If I were you I'd end it and start a sane life by myself where I don't have deal with that drama, but that's me.
Two wounded people with dysfunctional ways of interacting can't be in a relationship without the drama continuing.
You are not stupid by far. It's a gut feeling. He knows how to manipulate with his verbal and emotional abuse. Go with your gut. Hugs
They can steer you in a healthy direction. HUGS
I know it's a dysfunctional and probably abusuve relationship. I know I have to go. I just don't know why I felt the need to press the big red button when things were good. The mind and heart are strange things.
Leave, or send your daughter to live somewhere else, figure out why you're choosing that for yourself.
Hugs, Patti
Either way, you knew something was up, and you checked. I did the same thing. In all the years I was with my ex or anyone, I didn't look at their phone, regardless if they always looked at mine. But there was something that "last night" with my ex where I just had to look cus she was in bed, texting when I walked in the bed room. She never did that in all her years with me. Anyway, I didn't like what I saw either.
But when seeing that, that was the end of it for me. Now I was in control regardless of her behavior , which was like your ex's. Calling me names, saying mean things and hitting me, very extreme, which only told me, she was busted and didn't like it. Same for him.
So listen, you can continue to go back and forth in this yo-yo relationship, or realize, that this time, is the right time to walk away. All this time, all the things that happen, even the good stuff, wont stop the controlling and emotional outbursts in the future.