Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone
I'm new here. I'll try to be as brief as possible because this is a long and complicated story about a very complicated relationship. As I write this and say stuff out loud I know that if it was another woman telling me this story I'd either think she was a bit weak and pathetic or just tell her to get the hell out. Yet I find myself sitting here crying and feeling like I'm the bad person.
To begin at the beginning, I've been seeing my partner for almost five years and living together for nearly two. We are both in our early forties, both have pretty major trust issues (him because his ex accused him of a crime he didn't commit and took all his money, me because I was raped by my long lost half brother a few years ago- drama, right there, before anything ever even started) and I have a 14 year old daughter from my previous marriage.
From the start, he's been complex to say the least. We've had more ups and downs than I can count and broken up a few times, once for three months. Despite this we do love each other deeply and have that Taylor/Burton thing where we can't seem to be apart. He's nasty when he's had a drink and has exhibited controlling behaviour on many occasions- mainly punishing me for days if I ever take a step out of line by blanking me, telling me I messed up, I couldn't survive without him etc. As I am writing this I can't actually believe how stupid I've been to put up with it. I'm still here because most of the time (and I know most of the time isn't enough) he's kind, gentle, funny and very sensitive. He takes in injured animals, will do anything for anyone and is very charismatic and fun to be around. He's never laid a finger on me although he has often been very verbally abusive when he's had too much to drink.
The latest drama- and the one that seems to be the nail in the coffin- stems around the three month break up we had back in 2014. I can't even remember why we broke up now but we'd been rowing a lot. We still texted occasionally and met up for coffee a couple of times, but we were definitely "on a break" as they say in Friends. During that time, I was paranoid about another woman. I don't know how I knew, I just knew something was going on. I asked about it many times, and again recently, and he's always vehemently denied it. I've made it clear that if anything happened when we weren't together I would be ok, I just wanted to know for my own sanity, and obviously for my own sexual health. Constant, passionate denial from him- I was paranoid, she's just a kid (she's 24), she just had a crush, nothing ever happened. Time and time again, same response. So much so that I actually thought I was A) mad or B) a horrible bitch for doubting him.
Anyway, we have been getting on really well recentlyand just had a great weekend. For some reason, some little devil sat on my shoulder and whispered in my ear to check his phone on Sunday night, straight after that perfect weekend. I have never done this before, and I'm disgusted with myself fo doing it, but when he went to the loo I checked his phone. I'm aware I sound like someone off Jeremy Kyle but I went through his Facebook messages and found stuff I really didn't want to see. It was exactly the time I knew it was, even down to date (she called and hung up one night when I answered), and it was sickeningly obvious that they'd slept together. It was also pretty obvious that he'd panicked and realised he wanted me back, and he did come back to me pretty much straight away.
I told him straight away and apologised for looking. He went absolutely off the scale. Threw me out in the street, told me I was an evil, manipulative bitch who betrayed his trust. He is furious that I invaded his privacy. Today he is still saying he hates me, I've ruined everything, how could I ever destroy the trust that it took him so long to build with me? He accepts no responsibility whatsoever for the fact that he has lied to my face for two years and possibly given me an STD. It's just all my fault, and if I've opened Pandora's box I deserve what I get. He says he kept it quiet to protect me and us (that may be true) but still shows no remorse for the lies.
So here I am sitting here with absolutely no idea what to do next. He insists it's all over, although he has said the same many times before and he always keeps me worrying for a few weeks before taking me back- usually when I've felt so awful about how I've behaved that I've forgotten why I felt the need to in the first place.
I expect you will think I'm crazy for even wanting him back. He's saying I can stay in the house til I find somewhere else and that he still wants us to go for dinner together with friends tomorrow night (!) but that it's all over. My daughter is staying at her dad's for a few days because I don't want her to be part of all this drama.
My question is, am I wrong for looking at his phone? Does it mean I'm an "untrustworthy c*@t" as he has called me, or am I justified because it proved what he's been denying for two whole years?I'm so tired and lost and confused that it would really help to hear another perspective. Thanks
His issue was that the messages were from two years ago and that's a lot of digging to do. He had major trust issues which he says I've put back 6 years; that I've ruined him.
I spent yesterday afternoon at the clap clinic getting screened for STDs, which I would have done (and encouraged him to do) two years ago had he been honest. Yet I feel so guilty I feel sick. I haven't eaten or slept properly since Sunday. I'm self employed and I can't focus on my work so I'm behind on deadlines, which means I'm not getting any money in.
At the moment I'm sleeping in the spare room because I don't have the spare cash for anywhere else. I am a mess.
I don't think I could say this out loud to many people because I know how mad it is, but to the outside world we are still functioning as a couple. His brother knows, because I told him, and so does my mum, but other than that, that's it. We were due to go to dinner with friends on Tuesday night and still did- they would never have guessed anything was wrong. We were due to pick my daughter up from a party last night and still did it/ although she's staying with her dad this week so we dropped her off there (she's 14 and this is pretty normal for the school holidays so she doesn't know.) He still has my photo on his FB profile page, we still sit together on the sofa in the evenings, we just go into separate rooms.
And yet it's just so lonely. In the past he has shut me out for weeks when he thinks I've done anything wrong- that's how the 3 month break, and all this mess, happened in the first place. He can go weeks saying it's over, then suddenly say it's ok. I know it sounds weak but I really want that to be what's happening now. I desperately want him to say it's ok, that we'll work it out. But he says this time it's the nail in the coffin because I broke what was most precious to him; trust. I was alone with his phone for no more than 2 minutes and I broke his trust and now everything has changed. I do get it from his point of view and that's why it's so hard. It's like he finally overcame his demons and I pulled the rug out from under his feet and destroyed everything.
I'm just so sad.
And jamagnes please don't spam my wall trying to get me to spend money I don't have on spells that won't work.
I
Please stop beating yourself up over looking
At his phone. I think you knew and wanted proof
And you found it. I looked at my exes stuff when i
Thought he was cheating. Did not do his phone,
I Did not know how to use it and would have got
Caught. If he left FB signed on i looked. He was
Pretty clever. I dont think he did anything physical
Until the very end or after he left. Who knows i did
All the std testing too.
Take care of you and your child you can not fix
Your BF only yourself. HUGS