I just read this poster's journal.

I have no words.

My other questions are mostly for you to answer to yourself .....when you married your wife was there the understanding in your mind that "i will cheat and get away with it" or any acknowledgement that you would be unable to tell women no if being seduced in any way? I can see men in combat wanting to do the "opposite" of what they are doing and finding comfort in giving a woman pleasure ie....hunting without having to "kill". But there are ways to accomplish this goal without sexuality being involved and destroying a family....NO?

I have not cheated in 26 years of marriage. A first step may be acknowledging your problems and your wife should not have to fear infidelity at any sign of trouble and has a right to monitor you. That said, cheating can sometimes involve mutual fault, and restoring the marriage can for mutual acknowledgement.

I am not that judgmental when it comes to a cheating. I was so when I was young and inexperienced. Man faces a lot of temptation and there are always supply of women available for sexual relationships. If you regret what you've done and you want to save your marriage, you already deserve to be forgiven. I am sorry your wife took such a drastic measures...if you was a good husband overall I hope she will forgive you sooner or letter. Smart women do not divorce with the man just because he cheated once. Then, it all depends on what made you cheat. Sometimes both sides are at fault. Women does not cheat because it is not that easy...less options or not at all. I wish you good luck and recovery.

I think that you want WHAT you want, WHEN you want it. "I want to cheat" so you cheated. "I want forgiveness" and... it's out of reach. That's what is driving you. You haven't "seen the light." You just want what you cannot have. For you, it's the thrill of the hunt. Only thing different is that now it's your wife that you are hunting.

The self-loathing, and guilt should have kicked in much, much earlier. Tell the truth: You didn't "confess." You got CAUGHT.

Do your wife a favor and let her go. Be a good father to your children, and make sure that your wife will be financially secure. But let her go.

Mr. Cellophane nailed it (oops, pun unintended) completely. Bravo.

I am not going to sugarcoat my reply. You can look at that as not having compassion or you can man up and take advice from someone who has lived through this nightmare.

First off: Nothing your wife did (and I don't care if she was the most unloving shrew who didn't lift a finger to do anything but bitch at you) caused you to cheat. Be a man. You cheated because you chose to cheat. Unless your wife held a gun to your head, you've got nothing dude.

Take responsibility for YOUR actions. Your wife may be a horrible person but the only thing that wins her is an honest conversation and a trip to divorce court. Live in a free country you say? Well divorce is a perfectly viable option if you're not happy. It would be better if you tried to make things work first but if she's so dark and negative, then don't pass go, don't collect $200.00, just leave.

Don't make it complicated. Cheating is a coward's move. You really want to fix this? You really want her back?

1)Take full responsibility for what you did without ever mentioning why her "dark, negativity drove you to it." It didn't. You lied, you cheated, you had other options. The. End!

2) Do all the research, read all the books but do it without the promise of anything working out for sure. And do it on your own for heaven's sake.

3). Make an appointment with a good therapist. (Not a marriage counselor. Your needs just got pushed to the bottom of the pile for a good long time.) Discuss why it is you feel entitled enough to get some strange on the side when you're not happy and why there are plenty of less destructive things you could do instead.

4). Offer to draw up a post nuptial contract in which you are generous to the point of night sweats if you cheat again. As in your wife gets a very generous settlement, alimony and no balking at child support if you can't keep it in your pants. It's a totally worthless document if you never cheat again.

5) Say you're sorry for being a cheater and mean it. Not that you're sorry she's hurt, not that you're sorry you're going to lose half of your shit, but you're really sorry for being a grade -A-entitled crapweasel and you will spend the rest of your life making it up to her if she just gives you a second chance. Don't just say it either. Demonstrate it with your actions every day.

6). Be voluntarily, completely transparent. Whatever makes her uneasy, You don't do anymore until you earn her trust. Be ready to stay on that short leash for a while.

7) Do all of that with no promises that she will definitely commit to staying with you.

Maybe then and only then will she even consider the remotest possibility of letting you back in her life but I don't think you'll do it. You know why? Because people who cheat, lead with entitlement so it beggars belief that they will ever lead with the humility it takes to rebuild what they have detonated a nuclear bomb over.

You are already asking if you are better off without fighting. You are questioning whether she's worth the work. You'd rather have the low hanging fruit.

I get that you don't want to hurt your children but I suspect you know you aren't up for the task. It's better for children to be from a broken home than to actually live in one.

By the way-the fact she filed in secret. You cheated on her in secret so what's your beef about that?

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Holy crap neverceases' reply was incredible!! I'll just be a cheerleader on this thread!

I've never heard of a post-nuptial contract but wow, that would make some sense. I still would never trust a cheater though. Goodbye, good riddance, GTFO of my life. Sorry cowardly cheaters, no sympathy here.

I think nothing says I'm really sorry for cheating and what I did to you quite like giving her a really good uncontested deal in the divorce. If you mean it, that's what you will do. You can show her how contrite you are by being a very good ex husband and good father to your children and years down the road, she will see that but if I were her, I would totally not want you back at all either and as a single lady in the dating pool, you don't sound very appealing . You have a lot of work to do. and I don't if you can fix your character . That's your inner being. but good luck

I can see you've been doing your best to work on yourself. Great. But, the horse is already out of the barn. I think it's been pretty well unanimous with the group that you should let your wife go and try to move on with her life. As hard as you're working, you have a long way to go, and she no longer has any reason to wait for you to be fixed. There are several comments you've made that struck some nerves with me. Some of them have been responded to, so forgive me if I beat the horse some more...I'm specifically addressing your comments in #4.
"My wife was plagued by deep insecurity long before we were married..." But, you married her anyway. For better, or worse. We're you a cheater prior to getting married? Did she know?

"4 years after marriage in overseas military deployment setting". This one bugs me. I've deployed several times, and the thing that sucked the most was being away from my family. Every deployment I was on, I think the men outnumbered the women at least 30:1. Women got plenty of attention for this reason. It would stand to reason, you were giving them more attention than other guys. The women you were with had plenty of single guys to choose from, I'm sure...so, it makes me wonder-did she/they know that you were married? Adultery is still punishable under the UCMJ, just so you know. Guess it's ok, as long as you don't get caught, right? Sorry about my high horse...

"I'm committed to the work...but I'm doubting her commitment to it..." Are you f'ng kidding me?

"I'm trying to see the difference between understandable short term fear generated by my betrayal..." You damaged her, permanently. There isn't any "short term" to it. Until you accept that, and that it was you who caused this fear, there is no possible way that you have a whisper of a chance at rebuilding your marriage.

"I'm afraid I may be deceiving myself". That, is why, she is afraid of giving you another chance.

Look, I dont doubt that you are working your butt off to become a better person, and trying to be what your wife needs...but you have to understand, aside from your guilt, there is no way you can make this up to her. You would absolutely be starting over from scratch. She had insecurities before the marriage, well you just gave her a whole new world of insecurity. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I do feel like it's highly unlikely you can fix this. Because, as much as you've worked, I doubt your commitment. It's a lifelong commitment, that you've already violated.

I think the way to show her how sorry you are is to castrate one of your nads.
It will keep you from monkeying around because explaining why you only have one to your next price of ass may complicate the fun

And you'll still have one, which you deserve because you are number one

Yes. You should leave.

I hope you're not in the military anymore. I don't think that being a serial cheater is indicative of the honorable values required of someone who is serving our country.

I am a military spouse. Do you have any idea what it is like to be on the waiting end, wondering if your husband is coming home? And then to find out that while you were on your knees praying, he was screwing around?!

Do the noble thing and let her go.

I read your first post, and admittedly have not gone further down. I think I am afraid of the replies. Hang in there. Being honest with yourself, your wife, and trying to do the best you can is all we can expect. At some point self forgiveness will be needed for you to move on and whether that is with your wife, or alone, or whatever the case maybe. Make peace with this.

I read some responses but not all of them. I am probably going to be an oddball out on a tangent type of response here but... I am just starting to see how "open marriages" could have some advantages. I just think there are only a very few of us humans that can stay monogamous. I think we are geared to want to have multiple partners.
Having said that, I never cheated on my ex because my value for marriage and the respect I have for that person. The vows and the commitment I made to that person. So I never cheated and I never will if and when I get back into another relationship. That is just who I am. But I need to be honest, that doesn't mean that if I see a hot woman walking down the street, I wouldn't want to have her. I can't just turn my brain off to that. It's almost impossible. All of my friends, who are married, will say "Hey, do you see that hot girl over there?" So even they notice hot women. But they would never act upon it. Neither would I.

But back to the "open marriage" thing. I don't think I would ever really want to have an "open marriage", but I can see how it could have its advantages and possible create even more trust for the person you are in a relationship with. Because then you are being truly honest with them. You are being genuine. Yet you always migrate back to the person you are in a relationship with. That is the person you prefer. I could see how it could even make your relationship better. Since you don't feel caged in denying your desire to try being with someone else. It would take a different mindset and a different type of mentality. But it could have it's advantages. I think initially it would be hard to have an "open marriage", but after a few times of each partner being with someone and "always" coming back to each other "because they prefer each other more than anyone else", it might be a good thing for both partners and allow each partner to grow and have the freedom that gets stripped from people in close marriages. Just theory. I am currently single and just evaluating what I do and don't want in my next relationship.

Whether you are in an open marriage or not. I truly believe "friendship" built around trust and respect is the true foundation for long term relationships. If you are absolutely honest and genuine with the person you are with and you do truly love them they will know it.

I am 45 years old and by mid life, i have learnt socially that most of the partners at some time or the other in their committed life do tend to become morally weak and end up doing something seriously stupid. Research says that it is 6 times more difficult for a man to forgive a woman of cheating or infidelity. (women tend to be more stronger than men in this department). Your Question is: How do i know if something is worth fighting for? The immediate answer that comes to my mind is the duration. The longer you are willing to fight to correct all the wrong that you have done, the greater is its worth.