Hey there ,

Maybe you can elaborate on the issues a little-you said there was no cheating
however there may be some "things" that can occur in some marriages that are considered"deal breakers",So not sure, Peace Light to you,

It may or may not be the end. Sometimes when the dust settles and both parties settle into a schedule, date other people a little.. the old marriage doesn’t seem so bad to the one who wanted out.. and you may find that another woman can find everything you do amazing and amusing.
Just don’t involve the kids....
I guess I am saying that the way your marriage is now can not continue, you need to split up. She is way too angry whatever it may be that bothers her.
You may get along better when you do not live together and that alone can help resent to boundaries of respect between you two, even create a friendship and bring back love.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Divorce sucks.

Thank you for the feedback, Aronia and Osheana. Yes, I try to keep the kids out of it. But, my 13 yr old has seen and heard a lot. I’m not sure when she will leave, but it’s clear that she intends to.
Elaborating on the issues: she says that I don’t make her feel special. But, I try to give her everything she wants when I’m done making sure that everyone has what they need. When I can’t, hell breaks loose (much of the time). Her tongue is like a sword and it cuts me deep with each blow. I can’t bring myself to say to her the types of things she says to me. But, when things calm down and I forgive her, I can’t forget. So, no, I admit that I don’t go out of my way to be thoughtful and do special things.
Everything else basically is just my fault. Everything! She says O wasn’t there for her when she needed me and that I’ve spoiled special occasions for her because I don’t want to celebrate her. I try to keep my head up and wait for the end, hoping that I will find that phenomenal woman. But, I guess it is what it is.
Thanks again. Cheers.

You said it's been going on for about half of your marriage. Does she say why she stays? She sounds really angry and I am wondering why she wants to stay in this marriage. Of course this isn't about her, it's about you, but.... it's kind of about her....

If it's been going on for that long, I don't see that she is going to get over everything she is mad about, (or that she even wants to get over it).... without counseling for you both. Have you suggested counseling to her?

Hi, GirlInCalif. Yes, she mentioned it a month or two ago. We've been to counseling, twice. First time, we only saw the counselor once b/c she didn't care for his input mostly b/c he was a male and not of our race. So I made sure that our next counselor was a female and of our race. This was like 2 years ago. I found one with great reviews & we held several sessions with her over the course of maybe 6 months. She told her that she can't continue to make us keep reliving the past. She used a closet as an analogy and said she has to look them up in there and throw away the key, if we were to remain married. But that bit of advice never changed anything. But, you're right. She is very upset. The only reason she is still here is b/c she has poor credit and she can't go back to live with her mother or other family member (she's an only child). I'm not leaving.

Keys,

You have two daughters, is this REALLY what you want to teach them about relationships and marriage? Think about it, because if this is all they know of marriage, this is what they will seek out and perpetuate.

No, it's not. I don't know what to do.

So, sounds like she has a nasty side to her when she is approaching you AND she told you exactly what she is lacking in your marriage.

I am not taking her side, because it is kind of hard to want to do special things for someone who constantly yells at you..
but, what I have learned from my mistakes in the marriage is that your wife comes first. Not the kids, not the friends, not your parents, not even your job..... because divorce destroys every area of your life. Every single one. More so when there are children involved.
I put my children and my career before my husband.. we drifted apart and he cheated on me. I m not excusing his behavior, but basically it is that simple. When people start putting other things as priorities instead of their spouse, everything goes to hell.
Let her leave and then reset.
Start dating each other and see how it goes.
Also, I am glad that you got a counselor of your race, because shared ethnicity really helps in my opinion.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you. It sounds like you have endured a lot of verbal abuse and quite frankly, someone like that can have a lot to do with why you are fearful of starting over or being alone. JUst try to remember that you are not this awful person who does not deserve to walk this earth. You are a caring man who wants to work together and try to make the family work for all of you.

I do understand not wanting to go out of your way to do all the little things for her. My stbx does absolutely nothing and expects me to wait on him hand and foot. I have stayed (like you) because it was to be til death us do part. . I finally realized that it is to be 50/50. I have given 110% to get little to nothing back. He has health issues that always come to keep me here , but the anger and resentment has been growing... and yes , it is sometimes hard for me to want to do for him too.

I am wondering why you have to continue to do for her? I would say maybe step back and let her do a bit herself. (and do not leave her convince you that this is because you are awful.... This is because she has issues and is angry.
If you remain a constant and your girls know that you love them and want them that is good for you and toward custody if it comes to that.

Be wary though. I had a friend who did leave her home (because things were that bad) and she lost the option for the house as well as had to settle for shared custody for her girls (that she had to fight for because her ex was also an angry bastard,)

Hugs. (PLease don't let her hurtful words cut you down. Instead focus on positive words from others ( and maybe try to get you and the girls out to do some things for positive experiences and quality time. )

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I understand that no one is taking her side, there are two sides to every story. We've been away from our hometown about 2 ¹/2 years now, 2nd relo. But we are back on the east coast, closer to home. Still 8 hrs away, though. She's not going anywhere. Would prefer for me to leave. She doesn't tell me that she wants me to, but won't let me forget that I can go anytime for all she cares. Thanks again for all of the advice.

Of course she would prefer for you to leave. That way, she will have one more reason to blame you for everything, including the end of the marriage.

She isn't willing to do anything to improve the situation, why should she? She have a place to live, a roof over her head, and the downside is she has to cohabitate with you. She's not hurting, but you are. And so are your daughters.

So the question is "How much hurt am I willing to put up with?"

Sounds like she is dating you to leave so she can tell everyone how she tried to work it out and you left.
Don’t give her that satisfaction.
The kids are going to be extremely stressed by the separation. If she really wants it to happen, it has to be well planned out.

As others have said, don't move out... without filing for divorce first. In some states, you would lose your share of the house. Check with a lawyer to make sure of your state's laws.

Also, I agree with others about not doing so much for her. Concentrate on your daughters, take them out for ice cream or to their favorite place.... invite your wife to go but if she doesn't want to go, then you just go with your daughters. Focus more on yourself and your daughters. Try to ignore your wife when she is being mean, if that is possible. Focus on your therapy. Build your self esteem up again. You can do it.

well, you need to get your head out of your ass.
Man up and get your shit together, sounds like you have failed yourself, failed your self respect, failed to man up and take care of yourself.
Your wife walks on you because you let her, she sounds like a strong willed woman, who enjoys pushing and testing you.
So "clean up" your act, check yourself.
You are not here to make her happy that is on her.
You are here to be yourself and life your life. IF you are not happy that is on you.
Why are you "worried" about being alone, you are married?
Life is not about "having someone" to keep you from feeling lonely.
Women, people, dont want to be around people that are not happy with themselves.
If you are not there for special occasions then get there.
Find guys friends, and get to doing guy things too.

Well, thanks everyone. I really appreciate the different perspectives. This helps a lot. I don't feel like I have my head up my ass, though. But, I do need to work on myself and get back to who I was. Just confused. I try to do the right things, be open minded, be the bigger person. Just confused and disappointed, Thanks again.