Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I have had a wonderful relationship for 9 years. We hardly ever had a harsh word. Several months ago, he suddenly began treating me badly...saying and doing things he has never done before. He accused me of cheating on him. We went to marriage counseling and eventually myself and the therapist were able to convince him that nothing happened. Things were fine for a couple of months, then he started treated me like he absolutely hates my guts. He was constantly nagging at me and telling me what a POS I am. He moved out and refused to communicate other than 1 email telling me he was having issues with his self esteem and that he needed time to work on it with a therapist. Then, I received an email from him a few weeks ago asking for a divorce. He couldn't even be man enough to tell me to my face or over the phone! He won't communicate with me about why he wants a divorce or what is going on with him. I've asked several times if there is 0% chance of reconciliation and he refuses to answer. I get the feeling he is pushing me to be the one to file so that he doesn't have to pay for it (because I earn 4X what he makes).
No one is perfect, but I did almost everything in those 9 years that he asked me to do. If he complained about something, I listened and I worked on it. I paid for almost everything financially. I helped him start his business and fully supported his hobbies and career. I communicated with him. I was kind and compassionate.
I don't understand why this is happening or what I could have done differently. And since he refuses to talk to me, I have no idea what to do!
I do NOT want a divorce! I love him and thought that he was my soulmate! What do I do? Does anyone think it's possible to save my marriage?
I have seen an attorney just to get my rights and protect myself. I am also seeing a therapist and going to a weekly local divorce support group. And of course, I am praying.
No one is perfect, but I did almost everything in those 9 years that he asked me to do. If he complained about something, I listened and I worked on it. I paid for almost everything financially. I helped him start his business and fully supported his hobbies and career. I communicated with him. I was kind and compassionate.
I don't understand why this is happening or what I could have done differently. And since he refuses to talk to me, I have no idea what to do!
I do NOT want a divorce! I love him and thought that he was my soulmate! What do I do? Does anyone think it's possible to save my marriage?
I have seen an attorney just to get my rights and protect myself. I am also seeing a therapist and going to a weekly local divorce support group. And of course, I am praying.
there are many men who are not very good at loving their women. but, even the worst of them don't do the trashy things that your so called man has done.
i think that you should see a counselor and figure out why you allowed yourself to become a doormat.
He wasn't always like that. What you have to understand is that he was an amazing husband and my best friend for over 8 years. This all just happened suddenly. It's literally like someone flipped a switch and he is a different person. He was always very kind, compassionate, and romantic. He was a wonderful husband until the switch was flipped. I absolutely adored the man I married, but I don't know this new person at all and I certainly don't like him. I wish someone would rescue my husband from this imposter :(
As I mentioned in my original post, I am seeing a therapist and going to a support group.
My husband became a piece of sh*t/changed his personality/etc -- turns out he was having an affair.
It could be that your husband hates himself, and is turning it around on you.
Whatever the reason, it sounds like he's more than crossed the line.
I'm so very sorry--I can see a lot of myself and my story in yours.
(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Honestly, I would rather not even know about it if there is someone else. The whole process would be so much easier for me if I was oblivious to another woman. I know that's kind of hiding my head in the sand, but what I don't know about can't hurt me. I really pray that if that is the case, I don't find out.
One thing I'm learning through this forum and several others is that the situation with my husband is not uncommon. It seems like there are tons of women going through very similar situations. I don't want anyone to be hurting, but somehow it makes me feel better to know that this isn't only happening to me.
Once you know something you can't un-know it, so not finding out might be easier. I would caution you to get tested, though--for your safety/health... that being a case where not knowing can hurt you. (E.g., my b*stard exH chose not to use protection when he decided to be infatuated with a person who could be described as the town bike...)
Seeking legal counsel to get some idea of where things stand and could go, is a smart idea, altho not as easy to just sever a relationship after 9 years. But if he fails to communicate after a certain amount of time, you have to take matters in to your hands if only so you can move on.
best wishes
Welcome to the group
You DO NOT want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you. Nine years may seem like a long time, but in the scheme of things, it's not. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Better to face reality now and live an authentic life!
See an attorney and find out what your options are. I would bet a month's alimony that your husband is having an affair. His behavior is too typical for it to be anything else.
Hugs to you. Be strong and stand up for yourself!
As KP and Cowgirl have described, it turned out he had become involved with other women (on at least two separate occasions)--although in my case, he did not actually let it get physical until after we got separated and I moved out (I believe his new woman moved in with him a couple of weeks before our divorce became final).
I will never understand how people can be this disloyal to the people they supposedly love. But I've gone through a lot of healing over the past past 7 months, and I eventually came to the point where I realized I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me (as Cowgirl Kathi said).
I'm so sorry you are going through this! I wouldn't wish this kind of heartache on anyone.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
What does your Therapist think?
I am so so sorry
Hugs
Kallie
Often a sudden change like that is the cheater's way of deflecting his/her guilt on to the left-behind spouse. The cheater feels lots of guilt and conflicting emotions. The cheater knows he/she is doing something wrong that will be very painful for the spouse, so the cheater says things to cause fights so the cheating is then "justified" (as in "my wife is such a b*&%h; it's "forced" me to seek out another").
Of course, others have suggested depression and other mental health issues and that could be the case.
Either way, I am glad you are seeing an attorney and counselor. Protect yourself financially and emotionally. It is a tough journey, but we will be there with you. Please believe that there is a good life after divorce.
Sending many healing hugs!
the troubling part though is that he went off on you. a man who needs some good changes should not be going off on his wife like that.