Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

steppingovertheedge 04/29/2015

I have read a lot of advice both here and on other divorce-oriented websites about the need for healing after divorce. A common theme is that you need to get over the loss, become happy (or at least content) being by yourself, before you are ready to date again.

This troubles me because I am not sure I would be fully content alone. I can imagine a few months from now that the pain might have receded a bit and be just a lower-level dull background pain. But I kind of feel incomplete without someone else. This may be a character flaw or a bit of neediness on my part, but I have always placed a high importance on having someone - more so than on having a lot of friends, for example (to my current detriment).

I feel like dating would be a bit therapeutic. If someone was really interested in me it would at least get me past those feelings that I'll never find someone again, all those insecurities. There would be fun, newness, maybe even passion. Of course if I were to get dumped I guess those feelings of rejection could get even worse. Risk (but with the possibility of reward?). There is also the possibility of "settling" just to have someone - that concerns me and would be something to look out for.

People talk about trust, and whether they are able to trust after divorce. I'm not sure I totally get that. The person I don't trust right now is my STBX. When I start dating again I do expect to be more guarded at first - to take it slowly and just try to enjoy the time with someone. And I would be honest about that - not specifically looking for anything long term. Take it as it goes, and if it works out in the long run, great. I guess I also would watch more closely for the warning signs that I missed when my marriage was going astray. But that should be a good thing; hopefully it would keep a future relationship from being derailed in the same way.

I'm interested in anyone's thoughts on this. Both people currently in the pain/grief stage, and people who (hopefully?) have found contentedness either alone or with a new someone.

lovemaui 05/03/2015

Divorce is never easy. I guess through it, try to better yourself, then when you're ready to move on, there will most likely be someone who will jump into the dating scene with you. Others generally don't want to be alone either. No worries.

usedagain 05/03/2015

In 2011 I did a year of celibacy in hopes of allowing the pain to ease. The result is I have been in love with a Substance abuser now for 3 years on and off and I can' t seem to figure out why allowed myself to settle for this. Point I'm trying to make is not dating for some time didn't help me at all. Like you I think I function better when I have someone.

bigguy3 05/04/2015

Among the books I enjoyed were "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz, "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, and "The One" by Kathy Freston,. I also read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie because I exhibited some co-dependent characteristics during my first marriage and I wanted a better understanding of things.

steppingovertheedge 05/04/2015

Thanks bigguy for the book recommendations.

I just started reading "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford. So far it seems pretty good. I can't say it is making me feel better yet, but in the first chapter "Deadlock" she basically described the pattern (among several such patterns presented) by which my marriage has been destroyed. Hopefully as I get further along there will be some information that helps with the coping part. But maybe there is literally nothing that can be done. Everyone pretty much seems to say the suffering is unavoidable.

And so it goes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcUCYtyaLrY

murphytoronto 05/05/2015

It is true
The suffering cannot be avoided
Grief is grief
Allow the process

But stay afloat by all the support you can get

bigguy3 05/05/2015

I agree with Murphy .... allow yourself to feel the grief. I would add to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions. Feel sadness, feel grief, feel anger, feel happiness .... let yourself experience them all. I found that I slowed my progress when I got stuck too long in one emotional state - particularly sorrow. I didn't want to let myself get angry because I do not enjoy being angry. But allowing myself to experience it, drive up the canyon and sit in my car and just scream to vent my anger, really helped me to get past some of the sticky places during my "recovery". Getting to happiness was difficult, but I was able to think about happy experiences and things that I wanted to do that led me to feeling happy. Good luck.

hopelessromance 05/06/2015

I saw your post and just had to reply. I have the same exact feelings you do or did. I was raised with 4 siblings so, I was always around someone. I just didn't feel "right" alone. I can be by myself, but when I am it just feels abnormal. I was married for 33 years. But, the last 3 years I had no emotional or physical intimacy. Well, some but I could count it on one hand. The fact I went looking for a former classmate was just asymptomatic of a broken marriage. I tried counseling, but as usual she could take control of a conversation and I could barely say anything in every session. She was the type that would walk out of a session angry at me for airing my grievances, perceived or otherwise, and would skip the next one. I dislike being alone and wish I could find someone of the type I'm looking for. There's a reason for my username. I absolutely love snuggling, cuddling, long tight hugs, walking hand in hand, bubble baths together with candles, etc. I've tried online dating. When I thought it's gone well by the third date or more, I'd find out they weren't romantic as they described or, there wasn't chemistry ( after just 2 dates? Really? ) or I was the perfect gentleman. I never heard that one before. I'm seeing someone now, however I have my doubts about where it's going. She's been married 3 times but we get along so well and make each other laugh so often. She won't commit to certain things like talk of marriage. I could tell you a story about our first date you wouldn't believe. Bottom line is, I hate being alone, period. My only daughter is very good at it. She's been married for 9 years and gets her alone time and thrives at it. Me, just the opposite. I'd like to find someone but, I really believe I just may need the alone time so many describe here. I've been divorced a year now, but I sure miss the emotional intimacy and physical, too. And by that I don't mean sex. I just like the cuddling that much. Surely women like it as much as I do. There has to be someone out there who does.

lisainthevalley 05/07/2015

You need to heal from your loss and be happy by yourself, and with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else. However I think this can be overdone. I've known people who still felt they weren't ready to date years after their breakup or divorce based on this thinking. They struck me as very angry and stuck and contemptuous of the folks around them who were dating, having fun, having sex, falling in love. Our drive toward companionship and coupling is healthy and makes us human. You don't have to be perfectly together before you get out there again. You don't want to fall into the trap of being so afraid of being hurt again that you can't get close to anyone. In fact once you know that you can survive a broken heart you can be more fearless in your dating. Getting rejected a few times in the dating world can get you past your fears as well if you resist the urge to take it too seriously and curl up in a corner somewhere. So no, you may not want to date while you're still in the depths of despair, but it's perfectly healthy when you're beginning to feel normal again.

steppingovertheedge 05/07/2015

Thanks everyone for the continued input. And thanks lisainthevalley for your practical advice - it makes the hurdle of getting to a healthy state seem a little bit less daunting.

SadNLonly 05/08/2015

I think many many people have a problem with the idea of being alone after being in a relationship for so long. For me it was a fear Ive had my whole life. I never really been alone, but sometimes you just dont have a choice. I'd rather be choosy with who I go out with vs just going out with someone to avoid being alone.

As for dating, I have been on both sides of the fence. After my divorce I immediately met a man and fell in love. We were together 3 years. After that relationship ended almost 2 years ago, I couldnt even think about dating anyone for a year. Once I felt I was ready to get back out in the dating world, so I did, but no real connection has been there yet so Ive been single now for almost 2 years.

Not that I dont get lonely, but I've learned that you cant force things to happen. Ive learned to actually like being single. There are no rules. I do as I please when I want to do them and have no one to answer to. I enjoy the quiet time too. One thing about me is that I have 2 teenagers that I have 1/2 the time, so Im not always by myself. I think that helps a bit.

I say if you really think you are ready to date, try it. If you're not ready, dont force it. It will happen at some point. Just look at this as a learning experience and take things one day at a time.

Good luck to you.

Join the Conversation