Dating after a breakup or divorce is really hard. Like you, I am not content alone. I am filled with anxiety at the simple idea of it. Since I divorced in 2012 (there was no affair or anything), and even since highschool, really (I'm 38 now), I have not been alone for more than a couple months at a time, whether it was married, in a relationship or just dating someone, and at times multiple people.

If you truly want my opinion, I'll give it. Rejection upon rejection, hurt upon hurt. I'm exhausted. It does compound eventually, and now I'm in the position to make the decision about jumping back out there AGAIN, or taking a break and learning to be content with my own company-a truly terrifying thought. I don't know how to be alone, I never have been. I am so exhausted, so tired. I have been heartbroken or hurt so many times, especially over the last year, that I'm at a point where I don't know if I can survive another hurt, yet the part of me that is terrified of being alone wants to jump right back out there to find someone, anyone to have as a companion to avoid the anxiety of loneliness. I am jealous of those who have learned to be alone and be content.

Along with dating, there does come some responsibility. If you become involved with a person thinking you are ready, then you realize you aren't, you have unintentionally hurt another person, and you weren't being honest with yourself or them about where you were in the healing process, especially if no discussion was had with them about your state of mind. I've done it, and had it done to me, and it is a real bitch.

I don't know what to tell you, really, other than grief compounds. Dating is not like it was in highschool. There are a lot of users out there, people who play games, people who are damaged so they don't want to commit, and honestly the more hurt you get, the more jaded you become, the more you are rejected, and the cycle continues. I wish I had taken time to heal after my divorce and deal with those feelings, because now, thanks to avoiding them for so long and all the following pain I've endured since, my dating break is going to be about dealing with a lot of painful failed relationships/ situations all at one time instead of one painful divorce.

My advice, learn to be alone and deal with the pain from your divorce before you start dating again. You will be healthier in the long run. Who knows, maybe my painful dating situations and string of failed relationships is a direct result of never having taken the time to truly heal from my divorce.

SJA is absolutely right. You need to learn to be alone. There's nothing wrong with preferring to be in a relationship. There is a problem if you feel incomplete without one. You can't expect to have a healthy relationship if you're not healthy yourself. You should go into a relationship as a complete person, not as someone looking to find their missing half..

When I was dating before marriage it was always a big red flag when a guy told me that he didn't like being alone. I remember one guy telling me that he wouldn't go to a movie or eat at a diner by himself. I said to him, "I take my cues from you. If you don't want to be alone with you, neither do I."

Great advice so far. Personally I am getting more comfortable being alone and let me tell you it was a bitch getting there. Sometimes I miss the companionship but now I appreciate doing what I want when I want and no arguing and eating in the living room watching sports lol. The early days were hell, like skin crawling, breaking an addiction. I was in a 24 year relationship so being alone was a real jolt. Been 14 months now and so far so good, I can say I am much better.

I should add I do live with my 18 year old daughter so that helps. When I say alone I mean no relationship.

well...I found it has helped me alot in the process

I have not broken anyones hearts...i believe

I am always honest and communicate

I have experienced love again

I am now in a wonderful relationship 1 1/2 years post breakup

I understand you situation. After my marriage turned south I thought it would be really hard to be on my own. As I got out on my own, I realized that I missed my kids a lot more than my (ex)wife. After spending time talking with a counselor and reading some self help books and stuff, I came to realize that being alone does not always make you lonely. I had been in a marriage for several years where I was lonely. If it hadn't been for the kids, I probably would have come to the realization that the marriage was not healthy and moved on much sooner.

I also discovered that I could be just fine being single and being on my own. I was able to make ends meet financially, I had things to do. I worked on my physical conditioning and on my mental and emotional health. I came to a place where I was "content" being on my own. But I did not want to be alone. I enjoy sharing my life with someone. I enjoy the companionship. It is not a NEED and I did not feel incomplete not being in a relationship, but I WANTED to spend time with someone special in my life.

It will take time to get comfortable. How long varies from person to person. Eventually you have an "a-ha" moment where you discover yourself (or re-discover yourself as the case may be) as a single person. That is when you start to be comfortable and content. Good luck.

I totally understand the feeling. I have lost 2 major relationships in life: one being my marriage, I'm in the final stages of divorce now. But several years before my marriage, I had a 6 year long relationship, and even though I was the one to end it, it devastated me. We'd just grown apart, and we both knew it. After that, I was only alone for a few months before I started feeling the way you described: that dating would be therapeutic, that I didnt want to be alone, that it would give me a boost to have someone new interested in me, etc. I never really fully became comfortable being alone. And I do feel that this is partly why I ended up in the marriage that I did, and partly why my marriage had some of it's problems. It certainly isn't the whole reason, but it definitely is a piece of the puzzle. My soon to be ex has a lot of issues, that I felt I was blindsided with about 2 years ago; but truth be told, there were some minor red flags from early in our relationship. I feel now that I probably would have done a better job seeing those, had I not been so willing to date to avoid being alone. No way to know for sure, but in hindsight it all does seem to tie together.

As hard as it feels to some people, you really must be able to be content being alone before you will be any good to anyone else. I have not dated anyone since my separation, and I don't plan to for now once my divorce is final. I never thought of myself as being alone, I never wanted to be, I want a relationship. But, I now realize what others told me for years, especially after the breakup 11 years ago: you need to learn to be happy alone.

If you aren't good company for yourself, you won't be for anyone else either. We are born alone, we ultimately die alone. You can let that sound like a scary thing, or a very liberating thing. It's all about changing your mindset. Have a love affair with yourself. Treat yourself the way you'd want someone else to treat you. No other person can ever complete you, you have to do it for yourself. And although it wasnt easy at first, I can tell you it has been much easier learning to be alone this time, than it was dating people for years knowing that I wasnt really happy on my own at the end of the day. Once you take the steps needed to be happy on your own, I promise you it is worth it.

Lots of good advice here.

I have been divorced for a little over a year now after being married for 27 years. I can say that I was terrified of being alone which is why I didn't dump the ex immediately after I learned about his affair. I jumped into a serious relationship only a few months after my divorce and it's already over.

The act of healing (especially after a long term marriage) is inherently selfish because you're focusing on yourself most of the time. It's very hard to give yourself to someone else in a serious relationship if you're in selfish mode. You might wind up unintentionally hurting that person.

I think going to meetups where there are men and women so you can make friend connections is a good idea. Support groups for divorce are helpful too. I also think that fun, casual, no-pressure dating is probably okay as well.

Eventually I would like to share my life with someone too but in the mean time I've embraced learning to like being alone. I've joined meetups and divorcecare so I still have stuff to do but I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship yet.

It does get lonely, I won't lie but I'm hoping by taking the time I need to heal I won't rush into anything and settle because I'm afraid of being alone.

Good luck!
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This forum is amazing. Thanks to all of you for the incredible (and slightly varied) insight. I think I get better advice here than from my therapist, and it's a lot cheaper!

OK, so one thing I'm taking away from this is the distinction between WANTing to have someone else in your life and NEEDing to. That is important. So I ask myself: can I be at least "content", if not outright happy, without someone else? I think I could get there. I need to get the rest of my social life going though, so I don't feel so isolated working from home. I would even consider a job change but honestly I have such a good, flexible situation right now (and financial incentive to stay) that I really hesitate. Plus it would be more change. I'm having trouble already handling all this change.

SJA, your pain is really evident and it really is making me think very carefully about how and when to try dating again. Maybe I can reach that "content" place first (maybe you can too?). I absolutely do not want to hurt anyone. And I would always be honest about what I am looking for.

bigguy, any suggestions on the books that helped you the most?

Thanks again everybody.

This forum really helped me out right after my split. One thing I have read several times is do not make any drastic changes in your life right after a divorce for example a job change. Like you said you really have enough change right now to handle.I think it's normal to try to change things up right away but I think you're probably better off staying with your current job for at least six months to a year. Just my 2 cents. Good luck to you!

I'm glad you are going to take your time and heal. I don't mean to wear my pain so evidently. The dating world is so tricky. I've kissed a lot of frogs, and can't seem to find that damned prince. LOL. I would tell anyone to take their time because I didn't, and as we all know, hindsight is 20/20. I will heal, you will heal. Just in time. For now, just do you.

needy desperate people who can't be alone......are the singularly most unattractive people on the planet. And yes - there is a massive difference between needing an external prop to feel complete, and wanting one as complement to your, already whole, being.

I really feel a lot of compassion for American's in particular, in this area. your culture pushes you to be married, or working on being married, at all times. As quickly and often as possible. There is a bigger stigma against those never married at 40, than those married and divorced 3 times at 40. I find it very sad.

For those who actually do seek out personal knowledge and happiness - there is no support system or acknowledgment.....

As for the hope to be "content" alone - that is also a huge disservice to the individual - it implies you're settling with content over ecstatic happiness that can only be achieved in partnership with an external source to validate and complete you. Ick. That is just offensive.

Why can no one thrive as individual? Achieve happiness and fulfillment as an individual first. Contribute to the world as an individual.

This is why the divorce rate is so high - people put aside all discernment and compromise on essential levels just so that they can say they're not alone...........again........ick.

Ick ick ick.

Thanks for your comment CopingJust,

I gave it a few reads and some time before responding. Your initial comment is strong and something I will remember:
"needy desperate people who can't be alone......are the singularly most unattractive people on the planet."

Yikes! It makes me reflect. I am alone most of the time, and OK with it most of the time. But what is the context? Being alone while having a strong network of friends, and (possibly) a SO to see now and again is rather different from being alone without the above. But I think you are referring to having or not having a SO.

Interesting comment about American culture; you may be very correct there. I don't know enough about other cultures to compare and contrast.

Now here I think is the heart of your comment:
"As for the hope to be "content" alone - that is also a huge disservice to the individual - it implies you're settling with content over ecstatic happiness that can only be achieved in partnership with an external source to validate and complete you."

This is interesting. Is it a source of weakness, or a fault, to want (not need) romantic love? I'm not so sure it is. Witness the sheer number of people around us who are married/coupled, and how many of those unions fail or seem to be dysfunctional. There does seem to be a basic human desire for this kind of connection. It is certainly better to be happy without it, then (if desired) seek the connection. But most of us seem to want such a connection. Maybe it's just sex drive playing tricks on our neanderthal brains, who knows?

I have had periods in my life when I disdained reliance on others, or on socializing - I am an introvert. But I am experiencing a lot of pain as a result of past attitudes. I think even introverts need other people, and we need more than just a SO or one or two close friends. To have so few connections leaves one incredibly vulnerable, and we all have our weak times where we may need a helping hand.

Since I am being left behind by my wife and I work from home, I am making efforts to get out and meet people; forced to be somewhat extroverted. We'll see what happens; it is not easy. But it's better than sitting alone in misery. One thing I am is a survivor.

This is a good thread and topic. I think it best to work on being content alone before seeking a relationship. I will do my best to make this my reality.

I would rather feel whole on my own than attach yo someone out of the wrong desire or motives.

I am at 60 days post 5.5 year relationship ending. One great technique to combat the loneliness that accompanies the learning to be alone is to surround myself with living, non-human items - live plants, fish in an aquarium, even house sitting a couple of hamsters---of course my two dogs are more therapeutic than I can describe. I learned this from working at a hospice and it worked wonders with the patients.