You can't shake the fear that you might have stopped being desirable enough? - I get what you are saying and why this is a concern to you but...it is not bizarre to stop being desirable enough, it happens quite often. Whether you are a male or female, people lose interest over us all the time and vice versa. It's part of who we have become especially with this age of technology where we are detached from emotions and more engulfed with superficial things. This can happen to you also in future relationships. But you might be over thinking the situation - and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why something ended - most relationships come with an expiration date - we have to accept the end and stop asking ourselves a million questions.

Your ups and downs are normal though and so are the questions - hang in there - it will pass.

BTW - even if it was the case that he no longer found you desirable - who cares? - is he the only man on the planet? - why would that drive how you see yourself? He controls your self esteem? - WHY - it's YOUR SELF ESTEEM right? NOT his. Don't let your thoughts control you and don't let people have so much control over you.

Be well.

I definitely appreciate your words, and I hope to get to the point where I'm moving forward based only on how I think and feel about myself. I know that I need to take control of my self-image and work on dismissing how he (might) feel about me.

I guess it's been hard to detach from that because before this relationship, I had a difficult relationship with both myself and with men. Over the years, this guy got past all of the walls I'd built, and I'd never been so vulnerable with anyone, either emotionally or physically (he's the only person I've slept with... I had issues with feeling safe and vulnerable with men during college). Being that he's the only person with whom I've been so open and vulnerable, it's hard to accept that he saw the entirety of who I am, and in the end walked away. Even if it *was* for unrelated reasons, having spent so many years finally becoming comfortable with who I am only have that "rejected" by someone whose feelings mattered immensely... it's devastating right now. I know that with time I'll get over it, and I'm going to need some serious therapy and hard work to do so, but for now, it's killer.

Therapy and Friends/Family can be a great help. Having the feeling about going back to square one is a difficult thing to deal with. But hopefully the things you learn about yourself can help you get back on your feet quicker.

Hope for all the best with you.

I know a lot of how you're feeling... Intimacy is really tough to come by for me too. My ex was the second person I'd ever slept with and the only one long term. And it's tough for me because if he was questioning our relationship for eight months and continued our physical relationship as if nothing was wrong, I feel so used. And prior to my ex that was an issue I always had trouble with... I pulled away from intimate relationships because they ended up feeling worse when they fell apart. My ex was the first person who ever was able to break me out of that pattern, but given how lied to I feel about the last 8 months now.... This is going to be tough to recover from. it's hard to process that our physical relationship continued when he didn't want to be with me permanently anymore.

And I also am feeling the trigger problems. I arrived in Boston today to visit friends which is also where he lives and where our entire two year relationship happened. I felt good about it coming into the city until my bus from the airport drove directly past his apartment building and I lost it. I have a great support system of people here, but 8 days in a city with so many memories and reminders only 3 weeks after the breakup and a week and a half after starting no contact (and when I was supposed to be staying with him)... This is really tough.

I also internalize breakups as rejections and proof that there must be something wrong with me. I've only been in two relationships, 6 years and 2.5 years. Both guys broke up with me and told me that it wasn't anything about me. Both told me I was the "perfect girlfriend" and that it is obviously something wrong with them because there is nothing they would change about me but for whatever reason they wanted out.

It's crazy making. I feel either they are lying and there must be something wrong with me. Or I get really depressed to think that there is nothing I can do, that even if I'm perfect, guys will leave me. For me, the post-breakup low self-esteem comes from wanting to regain control. I want something I can fix.

Fruitpi, I think the trying to fix the situation can be the most nerve racking. It tends to be my first reaction as well. What can I do to make this better, what can i do to keep the relationship going strong. Sometimes you learn the hard way that it can't be fixed and that's maddening. That doesn't mean you can review things you are doing and see what you would be happy fixing about yourself. You should never change who you are, but it can be a time for inner healing. I am trying to do that myself but it's definitely not easy.

Keep your head up. If you are a fixer, you will figure something out!

aliaw, I feel you on that. I live in a large city, and 4 of the 5 years of our relationship were spent here. For the first 3+ years, we both lived in the same neighborhood in the city before moving in together in a different area. Last week I had to drive through the old neighborhood on the way to a friend's house, and I couldn't handle it. Passing by the houses and apartments we lived in, which were filled with years of good memories... I just cried. I'm having a hard time just thinking about it. All of this is the worst.

In terms of the intimacy, I had the opposite experience. During those 8 months my ex was figuring things out and considering the breakup (without telling me), our physical relationship suffered greatly. He finally told me it was out of guilt - that the more sure he became, the worse he felt about being intimate that way. But at the time, I had no idea why he was less interested in me, and why the "connection" was gone even when we were intimate. He spent months insisting that nothing was wrong, while watching me become more insecure because there was no other explanation given for why it was all happening. It went on for long enough that now my insecurities over sex and my appearance are a million times worse. There's just no winning.

Sarasalt... Sexually you're bound to become less desirable over time. that's where love comes in. Relationships start with admiration, get strong with sex and then stick together with love, that's what I think.

Some part of me has the same feeling, and it's bad I know. Hell, I'm sexually frustrated as hell, and I'd give half of my life to make love to her just one more time. The fact that I can't look at any other girl in the same way makes it worse.

It's funny when you realize that you're scared of holidays.

It'll be okay. I'm just doing my best to do anything to keep me busy. Gym, music, sports, household chores. You can try some of that.
Also, sharing my feelings here has helped me a lot, honestly.

My best wishes are with you.

@sarasalt I understand how difficult that must be. It's hard to move on past the insecurities. For me I just can't believe he would sleep with me after having fallen out of love with me as if nothing was wrong. I would think he would have realized what that would do to me. Not only does that make me feel used and like he stayed with me for sex (I don't necessarily think that's true but it is hard to look past that right now), but on a bigger scale it makes me realize that he viewed the relationship for his own means for at least the end of it, a time where I was struggling emotionally and he let me down but I was still there for him physically. It's just really hard to even imagine intimacy with this in mind, even in the distant future

My Ex completely rejected and criticized everything about me physically and sexually......dragging back through 19 years

So I am having a lot of issues.. she has blessed me with ..in any subsequent relationships....

Ultimate rejection is very hard to recover from with any self esteem

But I have moved ahead alot....thanks to the love of some great women

I know what you mean about feeling like it will never be okay. Yes, I get the waves too, and I hate it! I also know that it is over and that he is no good for me, but yet I catch myself looking back at the good times we had. The last few years I felt like I wasn't enough. I no longer received attention or affection. My ex even went and cheated with another woman who has huge boobs (mine are small). That also made me feel insufficient. I felt like crap. Truth is though that I should not see myself based on just how my partner saw me. I am beautiful the way I am. There is nothing wrong with me. Keep reminding yourself that you are fine just the way you are and I guarantee there are guys out there who will find you very desirable.

"suddenly I'm stuck on insecurities about my looks and our sex life. The months leading up to the breakup made me feel so insufficient, and even though he's insisted otherwise, I can't shake the fear that it was really just that I stopped being desirable enough. I know it's a possibility, and that it's a possibility I have to learn to live with, but I can't remember the last time my self-esteem was so low. This is tough. "

Sorry to hear this, but remember that idle mind leads to idle.......

Find other things to occupy your time to try and keep your mind off stuff. Both men and women are guilty of letting themselves go once they get married, and this will continue to be an issue for many until the problem is rectified.

Funny though how people then change again once they start dating, to make themselves marketable. Self esteem is something that should always be on high, and shouldn't be allowed to degrade.

@deltone I would strongly object that making yourself "more marketable" is a sign of strong self esteem.

"Letting yourself go" in marriage is a pretty huge oversimplification. It's not funny at all. When we're in a loving relationship our insecurities about our looks and all the other ways we try to improve ourselves for others fade in importance. Hopefully because it is replaced with making more meaningful improvements.

When our self-esteem plummets after a breakup we return to a lot of psychologically unhealthy behaviours of obsessing on being someone we're not. Sometimes that obsession with looks has benefits. Most of us could stand to lose a few pounds and be more active. It can be cleansing to get a new haircut and new clothes.

But we are not better off acting out of insecurity than when we realize things that aren't actually important to us because we are in a loving secure space.

@fruit......you just echoed my points. Losing a few pounds, how did things get to that point in the first place, without thoughts the other party's feelings in mind? Dressing a certain way et al that you described.

My point is that both men and women clearly know that this is what they have to do to get a mate / date, and do it during courting, how come that disappears after bagging the partner?

I call it false advertising and if people really want to be themselves, then they will just approach dating without efforts and hope a person will see them as they are.

Sex...some people are willing to do things on dates they never did when they were married. Again, once a relationship is established, that same act stops.

@deltone - I think you're missing my point which is that often once in a secure relationship people develop the confidence to realize that their partner loves them for who they are not because they are a size-2 and willing to have sex like a pornstar. It's not that they've bagged their partner and don't have to try anymore. It can be that they realize they never had to act that way in the first place.

We agree that it is an act when dating. We just seem to disagree on the reason for giving up that act. You seem to read it in a much more negative light.