Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I pose this question to the group because I see and read a lot of posting about dating and relationships after a divorce or separation.I could be wrong in my assessment but I get the feeling that a lot of relationships post separation/divorce end badly and if I had to give my opinion on this here what I come up with(Again this is just an opinion...not based on fact)
What our minds and hearts remember about love and relationships often get blurred over time, we start to forget all the bad times we had and only remember the good parts the, "high points" We are predisposition to accept love and that love is good and fulfilling and it can never hurt....well sorry in my humble opinion it really does hurt and it really can be destructive to an individual and all the work you put in to feel better was in Vain.
I am not advocating that we do not enter into an emotional relationship, I simple say you need to do it when you are emotionally fit. I challenge any one reading this, if you have been in a marriage or a long term relationship and you think you are ready to have a relationship I ask this question. Are you doing it to feel a void, to regain what you lost and to have the emotional comfort you once had and are you fooling yourself into believing you are ready?
I believe a health relationship is about give and take, I feel right now using myself as an example I'm taking a lot more than I can give, so many people have said to me, "you need to make yourself better first" I take that as if I'm in my infancy of growth and just like an infant I will need to take in much more than I am capable to give and that in time I will be able meet some at an emotional level as an equal.
The last point I wanted to make is that if I were to enter a relationship now given my emotional condition and the relationship failed I would be devastated and all the work I have done to better myself; and to take a step backwards right now I honestly can say I don't think I could have the strength to rebuild again.
I truly hope everyone on this site someday finds love and happiness on equal terms.
What our minds and hearts remember about love and relationships often get blurred over time, we start to forget all the bad times we had and only remember the good parts the, "high points" We are predisposition to accept love and that love is good and fulfilling and it can never hurt....well sorry in my humble opinion it really does hurt and it really can be destructive to an individual and all the work you put in to feel better was in Vain.
I am not advocating that we do not enter into an emotional relationship, I simple say you need to do it when you are emotionally fit. I challenge any one reading this, if you have been in a marriage or a long term relationship and you think you are ready to have a relationship I ask this question. Are you doing it to feel a void, to regain what you lost and to have the emotional comfort you once had and are you fooling yourself into believing you are ready?
I believe a health relationship is about give and take, I feel right now using myself as an example I'm taking a lot more than I can give, so many people have said to me, "you need to make yourself better first" I take that as if I'm in my infancy of growth and just like an infant I will need to take in much more than I am capable to give and that in time I will be able meet some at an emotional level as an equal.
The last point I wanted to make is that if I were to enter a relationship now given my emotional condition and the relationship failed I would be devastated and all the work I have done to better myself; and to take a step backwards right now I honestly can say I don't think I could have the strength to rebuild again.
I truly hope everyone on this site someday finds love and happiness on equal terms.
I got married at 23, dated carelessly until then, didn't really like being committed that much but now, after 12 years of difficult marriage, even thought I REALLY know how much effort, risk and energy a committed relationship takes I can not imagine myself having any other kind of relationship, because I do not know how to be a girlfriend anymore, I only know how to be a wife.
Last summer I "dated" a very young man for a couple weeks, because I decided that I need to stop being serious and just focus on being single and enjoying my freedom.
The whole thing was fun, of course, but there were no feelings involved, it felt empty and meaningless. I realized that I can't just date, I want someone to share my life with and possibly get married again (with the right person, of course).
One day I went out on a ride with my ex co-worker and by the end of the day were talking about relationships and dating and we were both really clear on what we were looking for and it was just easy sailing since then. Don't know where it will end up, but I know I am enjoying this much more than just dating.
Maybe after all, I don't need to learn how to be a girlfriend, because I am no longer a girl LOL
I am ready and am in fact, in a new and wonderful relationship with a lady who is quite simply, the nicest and most decent human being I have met in my life.
We have been almost inseperable since the day after we met and I plan /hope to spend the rest of my life with her. I am a very lucky man indeed.
But in all seriousness, I know it's going to take me some time. I'm just going to leave it in the hands of the Higher Power.
Mate I am much older than you, at 56 years old, I thought I had no chance. I looked in the mirror and all I saw was a burnt out old warrier.
One night half full of lovely sweet aussie red wine (Dutch Courage LOL), I put my profile on a couple of dating sites and within a short time i was busy chatting with a bunch of lovely ladies who apparently saw more in my images than I did.
I was chatting with one such lady and we met for coffee by the beach and sort of just knew that we were right for each other. Sounds like a fairytale I know, but there you have it.
ALOTLOST" yeah, after 27 years, so what DO I do if another man actually shows attentions to me?? LOL
Right now, I am so confused but Im early in the divorce process. I look forward to having adult conversation with people of the opposite sex and maybe a little fun but at the same time I just want to be left the hell alone.....
I don't know what the heck Im ready for?
I dated after the divorce - not with the intent of finding anyone. Just for the intent of having some fun, going out to a movie, getting my feet wet, that sort of thing. Some of these evolved into a relationships - and they didn't last. See, I was finding out that it's alright for me to say what I want and what I DON'T want. For the rest of my life. I also tried the online dating site, like Mick, but no red wine. It was a dare from a friend. I count it as a good learning experience. Also met a great guy and we have been together close to two years now. It's all going great.
In my book, it depends on the intent of your dating. If you're out there looking for someone to be your life partner, you may be setting yourself up to fail. (I went on some of those dates where I felt like I was being interviewed and not having a conversation. I said, 'hey, gotta go!) But those dates that were jsut for fun, with no expectations? Had a blast and made some good friends along the way.
Just my take on it...L~
When you date, there are forced interactions, emotions, expectations that necessarily have to be handled, but what about what needs to be learned and incorporated into your fabric as lessons taken away from the breakdown of the last relationship?
I think even so called "fun" dates can be just another way of running from the pain of the lessons that need to be learned...."I need to know I'm okay because i have been rejected".
We are all in various states of disrepair and I guess we won't know that we are truly ready to be in a new relationship until we try it out. But we also have to be prepared for rejection, investment and loss again, and seeing that the people who might liely be the healthiest partners for us, might make us the MOST uncomfortable.
I have, for my last three trys (my marriage, and two "serious" gf's) been drawn to women who have not been especially or fully available to me emotionally for one reason or another. I have no idea what I would do if I were to eventually be with a woman who is emotionally healthy and available...that may be the challenge for me...seeing that and believing it is real. There is one of my lessons...I have not fully incorporated that into my fiber yet.
All the other stuff...seems navigable.
I am ok with having a person with baggage who know how to deal with it appropriately and I guess this is what I am striving for with myself....just not to act like a psycho - count to 250 before I text or say anything when I'm upset, eat chocolate, write crazy diaries and have a mojito or two when i feel like i'm on edge. LOL
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