Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi Everyone,
I've been dealing with my husband's betrayl of our 24 year relationship for the last 13 months and have gone through 4 of the 5 stages of grief. I am now in the final phase of my journey. Anger. I'm so angry. So very, very angry. I'm freaking pissed off. Why does he get to blow up my life, our life, our kid's life and act like he did nothing? I'm angry I wasted half my life with this man and he walks out on our family to be with our best friend's wife because he's tired of "just good enough." I'm so mad that I want to punch something. (I'm not a violent person) My throat has closed up and I can barely swallow. I gave this man everything. Everything. I trusted this man with my life. We discussed and made decisions together. We were involved with our children and their school events and sports teams. We were philanthropic in our community. We didn't have massive fights. We don't have any horrible issues like what some of the other couples are dealing with. We looked like the perfect family. I thought we were the perfect family. Then everything changed a couple of years ago. I came back from a trip and he had checked out. Distant, started treating me like I didn't exist. Created situations where he would say one thing and do another causing me to get upset to make me "the villain". Lost weight, changed his hair etc. He doesn't deserve a woman who is honest, loyal, trustworthy, kind, strong, independent, caring, great mother, thoughtful, respectful, doesn't do drugs or gamble, not an alcoholic, no medical or mental issues and someone who never, never spoke poorly about him to anyone (not even to my parents). It's one of the reasons everyone is so shocked. Not saying I don't have my faults but, I am very aware of my strengths and weaknesses and would always be open to working on anything. I did everything I could to save this marriage but he wants her. Those attributes are only "good enough". Now he's with her. A woman who called me best friend for 5 years. Apparantly, he wants someone that is complicit to lie and cheat on her husband. Someone who doesn't care if she breaks up the marriage and family of her best friend. That's what he finds good enough. Gross. I don't want him back. I'm not hoping for a reconciliation. I'm at the point of good riddance but I'm just still really, really angry. Angry that he would have so little respect for me and our kids. Angry that he's abandoned our family in all respects except financially. That I will give him credit for. He has continued to maintain our standard of living so I don't have to seek employment or stress about money. For that I am very thankful. Angry, he sees the kids for about an hour a week to go to dinner. He was everything to them. Angry that he has had them overnight once, ONCE and for one night in the last 13 months. Yet he tells them that they are the most important thing in his life. Angry that he doesn't even feel bad about what he has done to me or our family. Angry that he won't even admit to the affair. I'm just really, really angry and I don't like feeling like this. I actually prefer the crying. Atleast something was coming out. I know this is normal and all part of the grieving process but, I feel like I'm a bottle of soda that had a mentos dropped in it but the cap was put back on so the eruption is trapped inside the bottle. Any advice on how to work through this anger? Thanks for listening. Hope you all are doing well.
People who claim to love their children, but really the children are an afterthought. (My ex has had two overnights in 3 months - first on father's day, and the second one because my son told him it was time. That about broke my heart, my 17 year old having to "remind" dad that it's his weekend with him.) People like you said who can't have a firm opinion on anything, because if they ever were to take a stand, someone would oppose them. Whoa, then what would they do - confront someone? No way, there is no confrontation with a PA, they can't do it.
As for how to deal with the anger, I run (not fast, I'm the turtle whose motto is "slow and steady wins the race"). For about a year, I ran and cried at the same time. I tried to run in the dark so I wasn't observable by anyone. I ran with music but barely heard it, I was really in my own head.
That year I really gained a lot of physical strength! I'm much much better now. I'm still angry(ish) at times, but I try to look at the ex as someone with a emotional deficiency, someone who really could use a lifetime of therapy to learn how to be an honest decent person. I can't fix him, he won't fix himself. I wouldn't kick a guy walking with crutches, so I try to imagine him as someone with a disability.
I don't know where you are in the divorce process, but I will warn anyone divorcing a passive aggressive - it likely will take MUCH longer than you ever thought, and MUCH MUCH MUCH more money than you could ever believe. True PAs will drag everything out, because as danceintherain pointed out, they can't take a stand. Get as much control as you can on the finances, get all the documents you'll need. Don't believe his figures, don't care what he wants. You're done with caring about his needs. Get as much detail put in writing into your divorce settlement, so that when they don't adhere to the court orders (believe me, they'll let things slide), you have the detail in the documents to fall back on. I think you're doing remarkable well, keep it up!
I loved your comment about imaging him with a disability. I actually burst out laughing because it's so on point.
I have been compiling everything. I have a forensic accountant as well. I know it's going to take a long time and money which, of course, he will blame on me. Hence now only communicating via email. I want a paper trail. I appreciate the help with the what if's. Since you can't know what you don't know, I'm relying on advice from anyone who has already dealt with this. Thank you again! I'd really like to friend you, if you are open to it. Hugs!!!!
"Resentment is like drinking poison and then wondering why the other person doesn't die".
Besides having a whole new happy and free life to look forward to, I have the knowledge of what is coming down the pike for her. LOL
You. Are. Amazing.
He is a sefish twit who will get his in the end. Use your rage and anger to good purposes--boxing, yoga, running.... what ever it takes to get your endorphins moving! In addition to my regular workouts, I clean. No seriously, I clean my house . Today I cleaned out my closet (hadn't been done since ''15) and I gave 11 bags to a local charity. So two good deeds for one!!
Also, while I don't think this is for everyone, I have done the following "angry" act....I have pictures of the two of them together. I have found the clothes he was wearing in those pictures and, you guessed it, I burned them in our outside fire pit. I also wrote on a paper lunch bag all the things I'm angry about (in red ink) and that for which I am greatful (green ink). I burned the bag (with their pictures inside) in the same fire. I don't know the psychology of why it worked but I tell you, it was like something released in me. Kinda like a "pop" in my soul. ( My guess is that the act of destroying their images let me take control over this out of control situation). So the metaphorical underpinning is that my anger was destroyed by destroying them smiling and laughing in their moment together. Somehow, it just felt right and cleansing. I laughed a true joyful laugh as I watched them fall apart and burn to nothing.
If you have time and the inclination to stop at one or two items and the paper bag, I'd recommend that to you.
You. Are. Amazing.
He.. Is. A . Tool.
Get out here and live!!!
I have written a goodbye letter and after I was finished I felt a heck of alot better. My anger has turned to disgust. I know I will probably get angry again but I can look in the mirror and know I did everything I could to save the marriage. I worked my ass off but nothing is going to be enough with another woman in the wings. That's on him.
What's hard for me is that since this has happened, I've lost joy in my favorite things. Cooking, scrapbooking, volunteering, baking. I have lots of other interests but those are the top 4 and it's killing me that I can't find the joy in them right now. I still cook and bake (I do have kids to feed) but I don't spend the multiple hours creating fabulous meals anymore. I haven't put photo to paper or participated in any sort of volunteering since my marriage was blown up 18 months ago. I did recently agree to be on a committee for an upcoming Gala but, my heart just isn't in it.
I'm also concerned that I still have zero interest in men and honestly, don't know if I'm even willing to put in the level of effort I did for the stbx. Everyone says that I'm not in a place to be approached right now, and I can see that, but on my side I just don't have anything inside of me. I've been ignored by him or so long (and accepted it) that I just don't even know what a normal relationship would look or feel like. That thought makes me does make me sad.
Anyway, thank you again! I loved your post. Hugs.
Lol, I am available in theory but in my mind I am married. I am still at a point of not being comfortable with "dating" until the ink is dry. I don't think it would be fair to bring anyone into my life right now. Other than to my kids, I just don't have anything to give. And no, I'm not holding out hope that there could ever be a reconciliation. It's just how my mind works. In the future, I will not settle. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and this will not kill me. :)
He has reduced you with the good thing being you are climbing up again. What you will learn in due course is that he has done you a huge favor and, in so many ways, in the end you will find nothing negative and only positive about this supposed wasted experience. Trust me darling being single is far better than being in a sad unhealthy/toxic relationship.
And you are right, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger (I used to hate and question this belief, but it is true), very much my own personal experience. Hopefully darling what this experience will do is groom you for a future relationship of ideal proportion, and what do you mean, until the ink is dry, you expect me to wait that long for you?