I am in your exact same position, STBX filed for divorce a week ago after being together for 18 years. For the last 4 years he has not communicated anything to me other than petty complaints. He never once made a constructive comment of anything I should do differently, it was always passive aggressive. His only comment is that he's afraid to talk to me, which I say is BS!

I am now left with so many questions that I will never get answers to and I don't know how to cope without a sense of closure. I am currently seeing a therapist twice a month and searching for a divorce support group. I would suggest you do something similar for yourself.

Try not to pay attention about what people say. They don't know the reality. People's curiosity are unbelievable. They learn very little about our situation and take their conclusions without knowing much or very little. I know it is easier said than done. I myself worry a lot about what others will think or say but people will talk regardless.

I get from my STBX was that we grew apart and being married shouldn't be this hard. She keeps saying it's nothing I did wrong. The next thing out of her mouth is "BUT YOU DID or DIDN'T DO blah blah blah.

I get the same reaction somerdad gets from the x and it never feels better when I get an actual apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you but I told you I didn't want to be with you anymore" wait is that actually an apology..course I didn't know until I saw the messages between. Her and another man. This after 20 years together...

Mine always said the same thing to me, how he'd never met anyone as good as I am, I am different and I am special. Telling me this once again after he stole everything from me and brought another woman to my country. The thing is he is right, I am too good for him, he's got huge problems and personality issues so he is with someone that is basically a prostitute, he doesn't respect her, he's already cheated on her and she on him. That's not who I am. They are both thieves who think they are somehow entitled to a free life. Again that's not me.

I heard something today too about people that like to have their photo taken or take lots of selfies being narcissists. He thinks he's above the law and that rules don't apply to him and that he will never get caught doing wrong. Right now he is charged with 4 criminal offences yet goes out several times a week stealing things. He's an addict when it come to gambling- has lot thousands at the casino and buys a lot of lotto tickets and scratch tickets- he would have no money for food and come eat at my house then I'd find out he had bought $100 worth of tickets!
So its not you or me that is lacking- its what is inside of them and there are people out there that can't be with a good person. Sad that they get with us and hurt us before they figure it out.

Personally, I don't know that what you get from the STBX is a real apology and it is instead something to just say at the moment because they are stuck for conversation or perhaps it's just to soothe them at the moment if they feel a little bit of guilt.

Someone who is really sorry will try to make/do right, even if they do want a divorce. There wouldn't be battles over assets or even money/medical care for the kids and it would be fair. So the "I'm sorry" with battles over unfairness to me doesn't indicate someone who is really sorry.

And we often find closure not from our STBX, but from within ourselves. And friends that bring up all the nice stuff he says about you aren't going to get you closure either.

I suggest you not let these friends get you into the thoughts of "he thinks so much of me, he will be back," or "if I'm so great then why did he leave--I must have done something horrible." Neither of those thoughts will help. If he didn't talk to you about problems and try to work out counseling, then he probably didn't want to stay in the marriage. There was probably someone else..

What I suggest you do now is focus on you and your future without him. Every day try putting him in your rear view mirror and think good things about you. Also, figure out something positive you'd like for your life without him---is there something you always wanted to do, but never did because of him? Then plan and work towards that. My ex would not even let me get my hair highlighted and that's one of the first things I had done and it was subtle and looked great.

And as you say you are being held back, I think the therapist and the divorce support group are great suggestions too.

But please start putting yourself first. You're worth it.

I'm sorry you are all going through this :(
It just keeps running through my mind. I know people cannot be predicted and have issues. But I just personally dont understand any of it. I have a theory but I cannot empathize at all with my ex. I never would have done such a thing to him.
Though I was in love. Unconditionally.
There would never have been another person for him to leave. As much of a twat as he is that I do know. After the break, well I don't like to think about that.
This whole thing has changed me. I am having issues realising my identity. My artwork is suffering. I am far more anxious than I ever was.
But I am getting through. I have been to a counsellor a few times. Waiting for an appointment again. I unfortunately had to go on antidepressants. These I would like to try come off, though it is a scary idea.
As for stuff for me, that's a toughie too. I try to do something every now and then. Still, I have a hard time with it.

Just my ever constant mind at work

I can't think of a "line" my ex husband pulled on me...his inaction said it all.

Past, very minor relationships...hell, I didn't even get a line...I just got the "stop responding to texts and ignoring" memo.

You are not alone in how you feel. Do you know the singer Shania Twain? He husband cheated with her best friend, she was so devastated that she lost her voice and couldn't sing for years. It took her a very long time to find her way again, now she is married to someone else, has written a book and even sings again. It does change part of us forever, some of us really do lose our way, and it takes time to get us back. I am sorry about your art! I don't have talent but I am creative, and I really appreciate what others can do. The extent of my art is fancy cookies lol. I was thinking today I need to make some special Easter cookies for my boys and for them to take to school. I can not let him take that from me too. Not looking forward to hauling the ingredients home on foot! Lol but if I lug it home maybe I'll burn enough calories that I can eat some cookies too.
I would be on anti depressants myself, I need the help but I can't because of the baby. Talk to your Dr. Maybe you can change what you are on or lower the dose. When you feel you're ready you can try.
Life gets better, eventually!,hugs to you,

mine posted a drunken status on Facebook over the weekend, tagged some of our mutual friends in it, so they told me/asked me what was going on. ranging from how he's suffering so much and has given up all regard for his personal health,not eating, not sleeping, missing our baby so much, blah blah blah. to writing out my full name, first, middle, last maiden, and last married, for all his FB world to see, and going on and on about how wonderful i was, it wasnt my fault, he couldnt control the chaos in his life, and so forth. it's all BS. they talk about us to others to try to get a reaction. any reaction. we may never understand what goes on in the STBXs head. I know i don't either. so sad for you that you are having to go through this. Big Big hugs to you

Mine said I didn't do anything to deserve this. Oh yeah? Then why did you treat me like crap and say hateful shit to me if I didn't deserve it?

Face it, we may never understand why they've done the things they've done. You're trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense at all. You're going to drive yourself nuts trying to find some logic in what they've done. There is none. It's all illogical nonsense.

Thanks guys. It has indeed been driving me nuts. Blegh.

Hurt, I'm sorry that people are telling you that stuff. It must make the part of you that wonders what if........hold on a little tighter. Is there a part of you that is holding on hoping for him to be accountable and say that he has changed and understands what he did and is sorry?

Yeah. A small part I guess. Though how can you ever forgive someone for that? I just don't get what the big problem was. He didn't ever really explain.
He said I was always so good to him and he never appreciated me and was selfish.
So I'm already confused with all the other stuff and wanting to be my friend. Then with everyone else saying this stuff and being mad at him for contacting me with the only suggestion being "some things aren't meant to be".
That is no real excuse to me. Things have a reason. And I don't have one.