Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my story, and if anyone is willing to read it in its entirety and give me their honest opinion......it will be greatly appreciated.
Here is goes.
Im 40 years old, I was married for 15 years, I had an affair as did my wife, we decided to divorce, just for the best. We have an 11 year old son, only child, I was an only child growing up.
Roughly 2-3 months after divorce, started dating a woman I met online. She was younger 31, she had three kids, 7,10, 12, by three different fathers. She was married for 7 years, And she divorced due to her spouse having an affair.
We chatted online for about two weeks before meeting, she was beautiful, young, vibrant, outgoing, all the things my ex was not. My ex was beautiful, just the other things. I myself am very reserved and an introvert. I thought this woman would be good for me and my son eventually. We met, hit it off, and then talked for another two weeks, off and on, I almost gave up on her, she was being really evasive as in going out on dates and stuff, but, I was ok. Just chalked it up as another failed attempt at dating.
Then one Saturday night, out of the blue, I get a call.....Back story, I am a homicide detective, been a police officer for 15 years......Its the girl I met online, she is hysterical.... asks me to go with her to her ex-husbands house where her two sons were for the weekend (her oldest from one guy, and her youngest from her ex husband) Her ex had been stabbed by his father in front of the kids..... so she wanted me to navigate the law part of this situation, so the first time I met her boys, was in the back seat of a patrol car. When I asked where her daughter was, thats when I found out about the "three different dads"
But. It didnt phase me, I was there to help. Her and her kids needed my help.
She lived in a small, rundown apartment. Hand me down furniture.She left her husband with nothing. She had a part time job, 200 bucks a week, she was getting help from her parents and "uncle" who turned out to be a pedophile, he would pay her rent and she would manage his bills. still not sure of that who situation. anyway,
I have a great job, a career, a large nice home, everything I worked hard for. I thought to myself "I can be good for her and her kids" she had been in abusive relationships and her kids have witnessed a lot. moved a lot, not stable at all, and her children's father, were either in jail, on drugs, or just bad men in general. No good father figures in their lives. I thought I can help, be good for them, all I require is love in return.
Two weeks in, I get a call, from her, telling me her daughter is going crazy, to the point that her and her boys leave the to let the daughter vent. So, my girlfriend at the time, wanted to break things off, wanted to "spare" me the wrath of her daughter. and she told me her oldest and her daughter have ADD. Still I stayed, she want going to scare me off, theses kids need stability, and I could be that. The daughter things, happen again and I over heard on the phone, it was bad. Again, she tried to "spare me" Nope, not giving up, every man in their lives have left, I was going to be different. I was good for them.
After about 3 months, she meets my son, and he loves her, see, he was missing a mother figure, my ex wife stopped wanting to be a mom when he was 5. There was laughter, joking, playing, it was amazing. I. Was. Happy!!! and by this time in love.
We were making plans, the kids were getting along, my son was a little overwhelmed after being the only child for so long, now he had three "siblings" but he managed. We managed. We started making long time plans, moving in, after period of time of course, painting the house, making it our home, not just mine.
Then, my GF decided that she did not want my ex, when she came to pick up my son, to step foot in the house, not even if it was cold, rainy, hot, she didnt want her in there. And this was all because she had a very rough relationship with her ex, she hated him, and she thought all exes should be treated like crap I guess. But, me and my ex were good, we like each other and get along for our son, and it works great. That caused a huge issue, I was told I still love my wife and my GF became really jealous. out me in a bad place. make my GF happy and change what has worked form and my ex, or keep the same and make my GF mad. to me it was just common courtesy, to allow her in the front door, no further. I couldn't see the problem with that. MY gf was being ridiculous.
Then..... my son is a picky eater, that is my fault, and getting him to try new food is a battle. Her kids, tried almost anything, and I commended her for that. My son doesnt like hair cuts in the summer, no big deal, her kids WILL have short hair, all pretty little things to me.
My GF starts to feel rejected, she becomes more and more angry with me for certain things, not getting my son to eat and not getting a haircut. She starts to pick fights, manipulates situations, to the point I finally had to say something. Her kids were down right disrespectful to me in my home, didn't appreciate anything, although, I picked them up from school, paid for lunches, took them to do fun things, anything I could do to make life easier on my GF and her kids, I did, why? Because I loved her. And I thought I was good for her. I had a lot to offer, not just material things, but support and love and a good role model.
Anything she asked of me, I did, no hesitation. she made me cry a lot, Im a big strong man, and i was weeping like a child, She yelled a lot and in my thoughts, she did not know how to be in a real relationship with a man. At least with someone who did as much and cared for her and her kids as much as I did.
There were a few incidents, nothing big, we argued, mainly about our kids, hell, even my parents offer to keep her kids during the summer so she wouldn't have to pay for day care. She got a real job, I helped pay for her license as a an insurance sales person. watched her kids, cooked dinner, ect. to make it easier for her. but after about 4 months, she got fired. I helped, paid for some of her bills, helped her move into a bigger apt for her and the kids. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I even offered to pay for her oldest to go to summer school.
We planned a big camping trip, 3 days the first real trip for all of us together. Planned for months, was going to be great, rented a cabin, bought provisions, ect. Almost didnt happen, because her kids were acting up. But, we go. two hour drive, get there unpack, time to get busy doing fun stuff. Immediately, the daughter gets an attitude, then the youngest, then the oldest. I try to make light of it, get everyone to calm down, and say "lets have some fun"
Let the fun begin, me and her are drinking beer, not loaded, have a decent evening, then all hell breaks loose. While I am inside the cabin, my son is outside with everyone. making smores, hes a picky eater, doesnt like smores, so teh kids start to gang up on him, and so does my GF, he starts to get upset, they make fun of him. I walk out, see whats happening, and ask whats happening, they explain, Im not mad, I try to explain to my GF why he is picky, she goes into a rage with me, saying I make excuses for him. she starts to pack her things an threatened to leave. I paid for the cabin, Im staying, her choice. I go inside with my son, she follows me in, so inside is me, her daughter, whom I grew very attached to and my GF. Im doing something in the kitchen, next thing I know, she is in my sons face, as he cowers,and cries for me, she is yelling at him at the top of her lungs that "You dont love me, you hate us" over and over, and over, I see this and go to him I get in the middle of them and hug him with my back towards my GF. She is still screaming, her daughter gets between her and me and my GF falls to the ground, and she says I pushed her. Her daughter immediately comes to my defense saying that Id didnt. MY gf is on the ground moaning in pain, I swear to you my friends, I didn it touch that woman. hse is yelling for her daughter to call her her daughters dad to come "save them from me" I am in shock. I tell my son to go to my truck and lock the doors while i get our things. Then she gets up, limping, and tells me she called the cops.
I mentioned I was a cop right? My Career, my home, my freedom, my custody of my son, flashed before my eyes. I started to pack my things, and guess what, my keys were missing. Her daughter ran off into the night. I had to call my mother to come get us. or bring me some more keys. My son was in the truck frantically calling his mother. MY Gf is in a rage, confronts me, in the room and I am scared. She yells and asks me if I want to hurt her. I lower my head and take it. and I ask her to just let me and my son leave.
she proceeds to throw all my stuff out of the cabin. her daughter comes back and my GF wants to leave with her kids, but the daughter refused and wanted to stay with me. she told her mom "you always ruin things" "you always do this to us" my heart was in so much pain, who is this woman that I have cared for ? her daughter still defends me. Her boys are in the car, the daughter walks over to them, says get out, do you she what she is doing? The oldest says "deal with it, its our mom" I tell the oldest, Ididnt touch your mom, he said "i know you didnt"
two hours go by, my Mom gets there with my keys, we leave, I was told by the daughter that her mom never called the cops.
I stop at the store and cry, my heart was just ripped out.
There is more my friends, but I have stop for now.
I know its a lot, I need support,
Here is goes.
Im 40 years old, I was married for 15 years, I had an affair as did my wife, we decided to divorce, just for the best. We have an 11 year old son, only child, I was an only child growing up.
Roughly 2-3 months after divorce, started dating a woman I met online. She was younger 31, she had three kids, 7,10, 12, by three different fathers. She was married for 7 years, And she divorced due to her spouse having an affair.
We chatted online for about two weeks before meeting, she was beautiful, young, vibrant, outgoing, all the things my ex was not. My ex was beautiful, just the other things. I myself am very reserved and an introvert. I thought this woman would be good for me and my son eventually. We met, hit it off, and then talked for another two weeks, off and on, I almost gave up on her, she was being really evasive as in going out on dates and stuff, but, I was ok. Just chalked it up as another failed attempt at dating.
Then one Saturday night, out of the blue, I get a call.....Back story, I am a homicide detective, been a police officer for 15 years......Its the girl I met online, she is hysterical.... asks me to go with her to her ex-husbands house where her two sons were for the weekend (her oldest from one guy, and her youngest from her ex husband) Her ex had been stabbed by his father in front of the kids..... so she wanted me to navigate the law part of this situation, so the first time I met her boys, was in the back seat of a patrol car. When I asked where her daughter was, thats when I found out about the "three different dads"
But. It didnt phase me, I was there to help. Her and her kids needed my help.
She lived in a small, rundown apartment. Hand me down furniture.She left her husband with nothing. She had a part time job, 200 bucks a week, she was getting help from her parents and "uncle" who turned out to be a pedophile, he would pay her rent and she would manage his bills. still not sure of that who situation. anyway,
I have a great job, a career, a large nice home, everything I worked hard for. I thought to myself "I can be good for her and her kids" she had been in abusive relationships and her kids have witnessed a lot. moved a lot, not stable at all, and her children's father, were either in jail, on drugs, or just bad men in general. No good father figures in their lives. I thought I can help, be good for them, all I require is love in return.
Two weeks in, I get a call, from her, telling me her daughter is going crazy, to the point that her and her boys leave the to let the daughter vent. So, my girlfriend at the time, wanted to break things off, wanted to "spare" me the wrath of her daughter. and she told me her oldest and her daughter have ADD. Still I stayed, she want going to scare me off, theses kids need stability, and I could be that. The daughter things, happen again and I over heard on the phone, it was bad. Again, she tried to "spare me" Nope, not giving up, every man in their lives have left, I was going to be different. I was good for them.
After about 3 months, she meets my son, and he loves her, see, he was missing a mother figure, my ex wife stopped wanting to be a mom when he was 5. There was laughter, joking, playing, it was amazing. I. Was. Happy!!! and by this time in love.
We were making plans, the kids were getting along, my son was a little overwhelmed after being the only child for so long, now he had three "siblings" but he managed. We managed. We started making long time plans, moving in, after period of time of course, painting the house, making it our home, not just mine.
Then, my GF decided that she did not want my ex, when she came to pick up my son, to step foot in the house, not even if it was cold, rainy, hot, she didnt want her in there. And this was all because she had a very rough relationship with her ex, she hated him, and she thought all exes should be treated like crap I guess. But, me and my ex were good, we like each other and get along for our son, and it works great. That caused a huge issue, I was told I still love my wife and my GF became really jealous. out me in a bad place. make my GF happy and change what has worked form and my ex, or keep the same and make my GF mad. to me it was just common courtesy, to allow her in the front door, no further. I couldn't see the problem with that. MY gf was being ridiculous.
Then..... my son is a picky eater, that is my fault, and getting him to try new food is a battle. Her kids, tried almost anything, and I commended her for that. My son doesnt like hair cuts in the summer, no big deal, her kids WILL have short hair, all pretty little things to me.
My GF starts to feel rejected, she becomes more and more angry with me for certain things, not getting my son to eat and not getting a haircut. She starts to pick fights, manipulates situations, to the point I finally had to say something. Her kids were down right disrespectful to me in my home, didn't appreciate anything, although, I picked them up from school, paid for lunches, took them to do fun things, anything I could do to make life easier on my GF and her kids, I did, why? Because I loved her. And I thought I was good for her. I had a lot to offer, not just material things, but support and love and a good role model.
Anything she asked of me, I did, no hesitation. she made me cry a lot, Im a big strong man, and i was weeping like a child, She yelled a lot and in my thoughts, she did not know how to be in a real relationship with a man. At least with someone who did as much and cared for her and her kids as much as I did.
There were a few incidents, nothing big, we argued, mainly about our kids, hell, even my parents offer to keep her kids during the summer so she wouldn't have to pay for day care. She got a real job, I helped pay for her license as a an insurance sales person. watched her kids, cooked dinner, ect. to make it easier for her. but after about 4 months, she got fired. I helped, paid for some of her bills, helped her move into a bigger apt for her and the kids. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I even offered to pay for her oldest to go to summer school.
We planned a big camping trip, 3 days the first real trip for all of us together. Planned for months, was going to be great, rented a cabin, bought provisions, ect. Almost didnt happen, because her kids were acting up. But, we go. two hour drive, get there unpack, time to get busy doing fun stuff. Immediately, the daughter gets an attitude, then the youngest, then the oldest. I try to make light of it, get everyone to calm down, and say "lets have some fun"
Let the fun begin, me and her are drinking beer, not loaded, have a decent evening, then all hell breaks loose. While I am inside the cabin, my son is outside with everyone. making smores, hes a picky eater, doesnt like smores, so teh kids start to gang up on him, and so does my GF, he starts to get upset, they make fun of him. I walk out, see whats happening, and ask whats happening, they explain, Im not mad, I try to explain to my GF why he is picky, she goes into a rage with me, saying I make excuses for him. she starts to pack her things an threatened to leave. I paid for the cabin, Im staying, her choice. I go inside with my son, she follows me in, so inside is me, her daughter, whom I grew very attached to and my GF. Im doing something in the kitchen, next thing I know, she is in my sons face, as he cowers,and cries for me, she is yelling at him at the top of her lungs that "You dont love me, you hate us" over and over, and over, I see this and go to him I get in the middle of them and hug him with my back towards my GF. She is still screaming, her daughter gets between her and me and my GF falls to the ground, and she says I pushed her. Her daughter immediately comes to my defense saying that Id didnt. MY gf is on the ground moaning in pain, I swear to you my friends, I didn it touch that woman. hse is yelling for her daughter to call her her daughters dad to come "save them from me" I am in shock. I tell my son to go to my truck and lock the doors while i get our things. Then she gets up, limping, and tells me she called the cops.
I mentioned I was a cop right? My Career, my home, my freedom, my custody of my son, flashed before my eyes. I started to pack my things, and guess what, my keys were missing. Her daughter ran off into the night. I had to call my mother to come get us. or bring me some more keys. My son was in the truck frantically calling his mother. MY Gf is in a rage, confronts me, in the room and I am scared. She yells and asks me if I want to hurt her. I lower my head and take it. and I ask her to just let me and my son leave.
she proceeds to throw all my stuff out of the cabin. her daughter comes back and my GF wants to leave with her kids, but the daughter refused and wanted to stay with me. she told her mom "you always ruin things" "you always do this to us" my heart was in so much pain, who is this woman that I have cared for ? her daughter still defends me. Her boys are in the car, the daughter walks over to them, says get out, do you she what she is doing? The oldest says "deal with it, its our mom" I tell the oldest, Ididnt touch your mom, he said "i know you didnt"
two hours go by, my Mom gets there with my keys, we leave, I was told by the daughter that her mom never called the cops.
I stop at the store and cry, my heart was just ripped out.
There is more my friends, but I have stop for now.
I know its a lot, I need support,
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
Please step back and weigh the pro's and con's of continuing this relationship. If you were reading this story, what would you tell the person writing it??? I am nervous just reading your story! That is no way to live. If she were actively trying to better her self (counseling) then I would maybe consider sticking it out or possibly taking a break. I'm the first one to help a person in need but I've done my share of trying to fix mental illness in those I love but learned the hard way, I can't fix anyone but myself.
I hope you get your answers and find some peace.
I mean, this person is too mental to be in a relationship with. It just can't be. She is threatening your livelihood, your son, and your well being.
You meantioned she doesn't seem to know how to be in a healthy relationship, its because she isnt healthy herself. It's wh she has 3 kids with 3 different fathers.. I doubt she has ever had a positive roll model in her life as well.
If it were me, I'd help as friend if she asked, but not with money, or of a romantic nature. For her kids as well. Just make sure ou have solid boundries if yo do that, like staying away from you son.
Peace be with you..
I think you know the answer. I think you know that you need to protect yourself and your son and have no further contact with this person. It is admirable for you to want to help. But, in all likelihood, you cannot. Instead you risk losing so much. Your son, your reputation, your relationship with your ex.
I think you know this in your heart.
Now, to continue, so you have the full picture.......
Went home, and was in a state of shock. While were camping, my mother who had watched her kids for her during the summer, was dog sitting. She (the GF) threatened to have police to go to my mothers home to get her dog. My mother, who had loved her kids as much as her own grandson, who looked at her like a daughter, didnt deserve that. The GF even asked me to please not "poison her dog" seriously?
So, my son goes to his ,mothers for the weekend, and I sit and wonder what the hell just happened.
Oh, and get this, my GF and her kids stayed, and was posting all of there good times on Face Book.
I couldn't believe it.. Or maybe I could...So, now I had her dog and she needed to come get it, its a Sunday. She comes to my house, I invite her in and she looks like a beaten puppy. I could tell she was ashamed of what happened. I sit her down and tell her she needs help. She agrees, and she says that she doesnt remember all of it. How convenient right? I fill in the missing pieces and she cries. I hole her and tell her I still love her. But until she gets help, I cant be with her. And even then Im not sure. The damage had been done.
Over the next few days, She tries to get help, mental help, she has no insurance, so I help pay. I tell her to get help and then come find me...... she says she cant do it alone, I say I need space to clear my own head. Her and her mother say "you dont leave someone you love while thy need help." So, it was stick around and put my own needs aside. And if I did that it was like I didnt love her. So, I stick around, needless to say, I keep her away from my son for the next 6 weeks.
She is diagnosed with PTSD from all the abuse she was victim of.
Put on expensive meds. By this time all my family and friends know what happened, and they tell me to leave her. But, I love her and I stay.
Months pass and things get progressively worse. I spent so much time and effort and energy into her and her well being, I forgot to take care of myself. Emotionally. The resentment begins to build, and build, and our argument become more and more "loud" never violent, just loud and angry. We both said things to each other, horrible things, and I became someone I didnt like. SHe changed me. My heart was not the same, I let her get to me like no other woman Ive ever known. She knew my buttons to push, and Iet her.
My ex wife actually forgave her, but my family (other than my parents) and friends pretty much wrote me off, because I was with her, they didn't understand, or maybe I didn't. My mother was always asking me to be sure, she wants only the best for me and my son.
This went on for several more months, till I had nothing left to give her, I still loved her, but, I couldn't be with her any longer. I was numb, no more tears to cry, I was a shell of the man she met. She wore me down to nothing.
After several attempts to break things off, i was finally able to do so. And it was the hardest thing ever. And that was 3 months ago. And I still think about her everyday.
I saw her on Face Book with a new BF and it broke my heart all over again. I know I did the right thing, but, Its hard. But everyday I get stronger.
I just need that reassurance, ya know? Thank you to all who read my novel, I actually left a lot out. I wasn't perfect, and I allowed a lot of that behavior, but in the end, I did what I needed to do
As you stated, you have a good career, a nice home, etc. You can move on and hopefully find that special someone who has the same goals and enjoyment of life that you have. Best wishes to you for your future.
Yes, it is hard and may even seem harsh, but you need to go No-Contact. Block her on Facebook. I said this in your other post as well. But I stress it, because it is so important.
Also, focus on taking good care of yourself. Do things you like, stay busy, plan things for you and your son, etc. It will take time for you to heal, be gentle with yourself, spend time experiencing things you enjoy, all of this will help with your healing.
My mother was this woman. She didn't raise me but she was forced to keep me and my brother when my monstrous excuse for a father could track her down and throw us on her for a month or two. She also had two more children by two more men. She's been married 7 times.
One of her husbands was you. A wonderful man with his own business, a son, a heart to love another man's child and not care that she had no material possessions, or that her life was dysfunctional. He fell so in love with her, then married her, spoiled her, and took her abuse. She left him. He took her back. She mistreated his son, he allowed it. She still left him. I don't think he ever got over her.
When I was 12, I was again forced to stay with her. She and her bf let my brother and his son, both 13, get drunk. Then they kicked them out at 1 am and made me walk them several miles to the bf's house. I fell asleep on the couch. I awoke to the bf grabbing me because my brother stole a gun from his house and left. He picked me up and nearly beat me to death right in front of her. She sat down on the couch and watched as if she were watching TV. His son had to put a gun to his head and threaten to kill him to make him stop beating me. I got up and walked out, called my uncle. Nothing was done. No one was arrested. His knee crushed a vertebra in my spine. I'm 48 and the damage to my spine cannot be repaired.
I only tell this to say that your gf is seriously messed up. It's so horribly sad for her children and I doubt anyone will ever step in to help them. You tried but she prevented you. They will continue to be abused because she is only able to think of herself. And most likely, when they grow up, they will repeat her behavior in some manner.
What you did for them, they will never forget. I promise you that. Me and my siblings have never forgotten our stepdad, and I only knew him for a month. But please do not endanger your child because you love an abusive woman.
I feel for you. You have a great heart. You did such a wonderful, beautiful thing for those pitiful children. That may be the only true, selfless, kindness they ever receive. If she weren't so damaged, she could see past herself and care about her children. But she can't and she doesn't, so she won't. She might not ever. My mom still does not think she did anything wrong. Time will heal your pain if you choose to heal. I sincerely hope you choose to.
Your son and you deserve to heal. Don't minimize what happened to him. If he's not used to being verbally abused like that, please talk to him. Don't let him keep it in and dwell on it. Words hurt. My dad is dead but I can still hear his voice calling me "worthless" "f'ing bitch" "stupid bitch" "I hate you" "when you grow up, don't you ever come back" and on and on.
Bless you.
Focus on your kids. Speaking from experience, children do not do well with drama, ESPECIALLY when it is not their parents.
Don't let your son turn against you because of her. In the long run, she means nothing, but she could cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your son.