Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

hopelessromance 08/04/2013

A year ago, I filed for divorce. I had connected with a former classmate. I misconstrued a few things from that classmate and blew that. I didn't stop thinking about her, the connection we had. I stopped divorce proceedings and after my wife finished therapy, I won't go into details, I thought things would be better. A few months, they were. But, then back into the same rut, bought a house thinking that would somehow make it better. Intimacy?? What's that? Same old stuff that irritates me. I'm not white glove clean. Just, when you are done with something, put it up. I say that because I still pick up after her. Tired of it. Still tell her don't talk with your mouth full, and I mean full. It's more than that I know. I am older now and sex isn't as important but I need touching, and yes, holding hands, and dare I say it, cuddling. We are two people who have so little in common now. I like patio intimate seating, enjoying wine slowly, conversation. We don't communicate. Her idea of doing something....shopping. No thanks. It's not a hobby.

Well, somehow the former classmate and I connected again. She reached me after I posted that my oldest brother had a heart attack. He's ok now. But, I traveled to see her without the knowledge of my wife. No intimacy with the "other" woman. I just can't do that when still married. 3 days with her and I mean all day. Wine tasting, nice restaurants, long walks, just driving around the old neighborhood. Talking the whole time. I was extremely nervous and anxious about seeing her again. But, it was like I never left her. Picked up right where we left off. Now.......I don't want to leave her and I know how much it's going to hurt leaving. I know I won't be able to hold back the tears. She is so amazing.....why didn't I connect with her so long ago. I've been seeing therapists and they say I have to decide what to do. My daughter is grown and married. I know the pain I will cause will be great. I just want to be happy again, some how, some way. I'm just as anxious about leaving her as I was arriving. The quickest 3 days I've ever been through. What am I going to do? Even now, I have tears just writing this. I don't want to leave her. The only thing I've done is hug her. But, she knows how I feel about her. I don't want to go back to the life I'm living. I just don't. Thanks for listening.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

Thanks for the replies. It has been difficult. I won't be mean and nasty about it. It isn't in me. I realize too, I have to take this with a grain of salt. Online therapy while therapeutic, isn't the same as my discussions with my therapist. Still, I feel differently around my classmate. We both come from very large families, too. The first grandchild is on the way which complicates matters as well. I hope they don't use the child against me. Time will tell. Yes, she was decent enough to take me back. I do realize that. I just thought after everything she went through she would change. I shouldn't expect that in retrospect. 33 years with my wife and looking back...we married after 6 months. After dating several woman in the late 70's I didn't think anyone would want me. Insecurities, self respect issues, youth. I've told my therapist all this. More therapy. Thanks again.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

Thank you starting over. You are so right. As for hooking up, which these days mean physical affair. Can't do it, didn't do it, won't do it. Emotional affairs, I've been told are worse. I have told my wife and my married daughter and son-in-law, it might be better for everyone if we did divorce. I feel like a toxic cancer. I never thought I would be in this position. I've never been the type to go looking for greener grass even when I was dating so many many years ago. And yet, here I am. Hence the reason I go to therapy. Seeing a psychiatrist later this week for medicine the psychologist recommended. I was told, don't make any rash decisions. Take the time for the meds to work. Something I need to work on, open up about how I am feeling regardless how others react. That's been my problem for so long. I will bottle things in because she has had a pattern of wall building when I've been honest about disagreements. Call it what ever you want, I call it manipulation. For so long i always had to be the first to apologize, my daughter knows it and has told me often. Even she had therapy to deal with it after moving on to her marriage. I'd like to lost the baggage and I see two ways of doing that. Therapy and or divorce. 33 years.

deleted_user 08/06/2013

Make no mistake--THIS IS NOT ONLINE THERAPY. D.S. doesn't provide mental health professionals for this board that are replying. Instead you have regular people who are responding with their OPINIONS. So this isn't online therapy in any way.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

I've never blamed her for my behavior. She went to therapy after I filed for divorce last year. Intensive outpatient, by the way. Bad behavior on my part, symptomatic of a relationship long gone bad. Fixable? Worth a try after 33 years. I also am only pointing out that this is therapeutic for me as well. I know it's only opinion I get in response. It's difficult, to be sure. Some days are better than others. Regardless, I've thought about leaving even if I wasn't emotionally involved. I need to fix my issues and then decide. Throughout my 33 years I was threatened with divorce from her, several times mind you, a long time before this ever came about. Not a healthy thing to do in a marriage. I know it takes two to tango. I carry a lot of emotional baggage which I need to get rid of. I need therapy to figure out how to do just that. I want to be myself again. Does that make any sense? Self-loathing? You bet. Several reasons I feel so toxic and I know it's not fair to everyone. They care enough about me to get help. I know I have a long road to travel. Today is just one of those days I feel so sh**tty. Therapy session tonight for me.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

3 day business trip to my hometown.

stillbitterjaded 08/06/2013

I can't feel sorry for you though you appear to be bearing your soul here.

You made choices, and they are coming to a head. You are being forced to address the outcome if your choices, please don't try to cry victim. Maybe you are toxic to your wife, that's her decision to make. If she chooses to take you back again and work on things, personally I think she's nuts, you've admittedly done this twice and that makes it a pattern not a mistake or bad decision.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

meds are for my OCPD, similar to OCD.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

Didn't ask for sympathy, don't expect it. Especially here. Even before the three days I just got to a place again of deep dark depression. In one room, she in another, each doing our own thing. A little scary for me with the future because of my "comfort zone". Comfort zone of routine-ness, a place I don't want to be in, unhappy, which I know comes from within. A bad comfort zone. I am so complicated right now and want to lead a better life. Baring my soul, yes.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

I am definitely not a victim. Merely wondering what others have done or gone through and how I can get through this. Coming clean? Yes. I'll see what happens. Well, therapy tonight and laying all my cards on the table. Thanks for all your honesty. I do appreciate it. I hope everyone I affect can get through this for the better, if it means they are better off without me, so be it. I will accept it reluctantly.

namaste02 08/06/2013

Happiness is an inside job. It's up to you, not her (wife or gf) to provide that for you.

Relationships should ADD to us, not be us.

Your wife took you back. Why do you think she did so? To work it out? Or fear? Regardless of that, I really wish more would put work I to what they've created. Lives together, families, etc. before its all thrown away.

It takes a hell of a lot to overcome affairs. Trust is huge...and I'm sure your wife has been reeling for years trying to figure it out. What about human frailty and loving and accepting people as they are? She's human.

I've been in your wife's shoes.....

I'm not going to judge, or bash. I just want to say...shit or get off the pot. She deserves truth. Find a way o make it work with her or let her go. She deserves better. Likely, she won't trust you again. Your doing will be your undoing either way.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

thank you namaste02. She does deserve better. I didn't marry to be a butler, either. Everything you say is true. Thanks.

hopelessromance 08/06/2013

Therapy went well. Oh dear. Clinical diagnosis of obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is different than OCD. That explains a lot on my part, and my questioning how on earth my wife has lived with me and it after all these years. A lifelong battle with cognitive behavior therapy. Lots of tears in this one but, at least I know what I am dealing with, So much explained by it., Good grief. A long, long road. I hope the family can deal with me, now that they and I know what it all means.

stillbitterjaded 08/07/2013

Okay. You now have a diagnosis, you can deal with it.

My request now? Please don't use this as a label...crutch or rational for all of your actions. It's a part of you, but does not define you.

I'm not familiar with this diagnosis, so I don't know treatments but - best of luck with this.

hopelessromance 08/07/2013

Thank you both, Lisa & stillbitterjaded. The therapist said the same thing. It doesn't define who I am, it's just one part of me.

And you are right, it in no way explains away my actions. I have to pay the piper for that. Forward, always forward.

Thanks again.

Join the Conversation