Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Its an emotion I DONT do well with.....
Honestly, I hate the feeling. I work so hard to be peaceful. It's takes just about an act of God to really hit my anger button.
Well, it got hit a few days ago when I received another email from my ex bf. This is the 3rd one in about 6 weeks. I did not open the last 2, so why this one?
I take full responsibility for opening it. Had I ignored and deleted, I wouldn't be here, stuck in this anger now
Basically it said its all my fault. I disnt communicate with him?!
Wtf?
11 months I waited while he was deployed. Countless letters everyday, packages, sent hi. Everything he wanted or needed. Only to come home to him shutting down and taking off. He was on leave for a month and took off for Florida ...no big deal...told me the day before he left..and then didn't speak to me for 3 weeks....and *I* am the one who doesn't communicate?!
Screw him.
And now it's my fault that he moved back to the west coast, is unemployed..and in the only bankrupt city in the whole freaking country.
Ugh.
Why am I dealing with this months after the fact?
And why is he bothering me?
Honestly....I went through a TON of shit with my ex husband...and don't ever remember feeling anger like this...
Wtf?
Know how it was topped off this morning? I had to go to a family gathering for breakfast...
Guess where I got to sit? At the table with the children....
And then when everyone shifted after breakfast....they made room at a table where I got sit next to a freaking "Barbie"
Ugh.
Honestly, I hate the feeling. I work so hard to be peaceful. It's takes just about an act of God to really hit my anger button.
Well, it got hit a few days ago when I received another email from my ex bf. This is the 3rd one in about 6 weeks. I did not open the last 2, so why this one?
I take full responsibility for opening it. Had I ignored and deleted, I wouldn't be here, stuck in this anger now
Basically it said its all my fault. I disnt communicate with him?!
Wtf?
11 months I waited while he was deployed. Countless letters everyday, packages, sent hi. Everything he wanted or needed. Only to come home to him shutting down and taking off. He was on leave for a month and took off for Florida ...no big deal...told me the day before he left..and then didn't speak to me for 3 weeks....and *I* am the one who doesn't communicate?!
Screw him.
And now it's my fault that he moved back to the west coast, is unemployed..and in the only bankrupt city in the whole freaking country.
Ugh.
Why am I dealing with this months after the fact?
And why is he bothering me?
Honestly....I went through a TON of shit with my ex husband...and don't ever remember feeling anger like this...
Wtf?
Know how it was topped off this morning? I had to go to a family gathering for breakfast...
Guess where I got to sit? At the table with the children....
And then when everyone shifted after breakfast....they made room at a table where I got sit next to a freaking "Barbie"
Ugh.
I totally know how hard it is to carry these negative emotions. I would lash out at my (cheating, lying) ex, and then go to my counsellor and tell her how horrible I felt for feeling and acting on the emotions of hate and anger.
Anyway, I was scrolling some other forums on the subject of 'hating your ex', and found this very useful post. I will provide the link to the site at the end:
bout a month ago, I made myself really stop and think about what I was getting out of keeping my anger around towards him:
Does it make me feel better? (No - just keeps him in my life because he occupies some space in my mind)
Does it help change the past? (No -- there's no guarantee that if I had heeded those red flags that it would have turned out better ~ might have been worse)
Am I resolving any issues by holding onto it? (No -- I still play the same "tapes" and thoughts in my head -- there's nothing new under the sun to think about and pick apart, it's just done)
If I let go of my anger, does it mean that what he did is okay? (No, everywhere he goes, he's still that same bastard who lied and took advantage of my kindness -- I'm going to leave that dirt with him and clean it out of my own house)
Am I going to let him color my views towards the male species based upon what he did? (Hell no -- there's just as many good guys out there as bad -- I've just got to see this as a learning experience and take what little bit of good I can get out of this whole mess and leave the rest behind)
http://boards.askmen.com/showthread.php?72507-I-don-t-want-to-hate-my-ex
also, she recommends a book that looks quite good:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Heart-Soul-Emotional-Awareness/dp/0743234960
I do hope you feel ok. I think it is very natural for us to be angry, and even 'hate' a bit (I've certainly told my ex that I hate him a couple of times and the feeling has been mutual)... it's part of the 'stages of grieving' and the worst thing we can do (though I do it) is beat ourselves up over these feelings.
I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs,
Steph
I don't understand any of my feelings about this myself.
Here is the funny thing....I wasn't heartbroken when we broke up. I wasn't angry, sad, etc. I was just like "whatever"
I don't want him back. I don't want to reconnect in any way. Yep...being that this was the 3rd email, I opened it out of curiosity of what the hell does he want. I have this stupid coin of his...that I don't want...and thought maybe we could have a decent conversation so I could send it back. Stupid on my part.
I don't hate him. I wish him well. What I am angry about is his words and blame game. How he states this was MY fault. He was shut down and uncommunicative...and I didn't push the issue. I'm not needy, clingy, etx. I allow people to be who they are and deal with things in their own way. So....because I wasn't all up in his shit, begging him not to go to FL or pitch a fit about him being with his friends for leave...it's all my fault. I didn't "need" him enough.
Wtf.
His issues..not mine...but yep..it really chaps my hide that he wants to play this blame game.
As far as my ex husband...no..it's not resurfacing any of that....it's been years...and I spent many years alone, not in any relationship to heal from that. I refused to do that transference stuff with anyone, and feel I was successful.
I hate to say this...and it is going to come out differently that I mean it....but the common thread between the two? Military guys....won't ever do that again. They say the third times a charm...and so it is.