Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I had a setback yesterday.....
i sent a message to him. Its been killing me for weeks to know if he is alive or not.
Him= the man I was involved with (not my ex husband) who is currently in Afghanistan.
He went on leave a month ago. Instead of coming home, he decided to go to Germany for his 2 week break. I was so ok with that and supportive.
I never heard from him while he on vacation. He sent one quick email about beer and drinking and the countryside.
Truthfully, I tensed up on the drinking part. I was married to an alcoholic and my life was sheer hell...full of drunken violent rages, DWI's, bar fights, arrests, etc.
i honestly cringe around the topic of alcohol. I know this is a trigger for me...but it really did destroy my life. Its been years of Alanon and healing in this regard as my life has been so impacted by it.
Anyways..... he sent one email, he never even called to say hello, nothing.
What was I to think? What would anyone think? he completely blew me off. After not hearing ANYTHING from him for weeks, I did break down and sent him a quick email just asking if he was ok, if he needed anything, if I did something to upset him, that I understood if he could talk and needed space to himself. etc. He never responded.
I made the mistake of asking again yesterday if he was ok...if he could just tell me he was safe...its been a month now without hearing anything. I was scared...in this war situation..seriously... I dont know if he is even alive when I dont hear from him. To compound this, a good friend of mine was killed in combat last month, so this is making it even harder.
Well....he sent an email back last night when I asked if he was ok saying that he was upset with ME for that I understand if he cant or doesnt want to talk to me.
So...... basically..he was "punishing" me for that with silence, rather than communicating. i told him that if he was upset about something, that i would rather discuss and clear the air than have the silent treatment.
I want to feel like this is a red flag..and the other part of me has compassion...i cant imagine what he is going through there...
But.... it also kind shows me that he is a runner....and I cant go back to that. My ex was a runner too.
Am I WAY out of line for being upset about no phone calls or communication while on vacation? If this is me and my problem within myself, I want to fix it and grow. Honesty appreciated, please. Im lost. Should I be the one running int he other direction?
i sent a message to him. Its been killing me for weeks to know if he is alive or not.
Him= the man I was involved with (not my ex husband) who is currently in Afghanistan.
He went on leave a month ago. Instead of coming home, he decided to go to Germany for his 2 week break. I was so ok with that and supportive.
I never heard from him while he on vacation. He sent one quick email about beer and drinking and the countryside.
Truthfully, I tensed up on the drinking part. I was married to an alcoholic and my life was sheer hell...full of drunken violent rages, DWI's, bar fights, arrests, etc.
i honestly cringe around the topic of alcohol. I know this is a trigger for me...but it really did destroy my life. Its been years of Alanon and healing in this regard as my life has been so impacted by it.
Anyways..... he sent one email, he never even called to say hello, nothing.
What was I to think? What would anyone think? he completely blew me off. After not hearing ANYTHING from him for weeks, I did break down and sent him a quick email just asking if he was ok, if he needed anything, if I did something to upset him, that I understood if he could talk and needed space to himself. etc. He never responded.
I made the mistake of asking again yesterday if he was ok...if he could just tell me he was safe...its been a month now without hearing anything. I was scared...in this war situation..seriously... I dont know if he is even alive when I dont hear from him. To compound this, a good friend of mine was killed in combat last month, so this is making it even harder.
Well....he sent an email back last night when I asked if he was ok saying that he was upset with ME for that I understand if he cant or doesnt want to talk to me.
So...... basically..he was "punishing" me for that with silence, rather than communicating. i told him that if he was upset about something, that i would rather discuss and clear the air than have the silent treatment.
I want to feel like this is a red flag..and the other part of me has compassion...i cant imagine what he is going through there...
But.... it also kind shows me that he is a runner....and I cant go back to that. My ex was a runner too.
Am I WAY out of line for being upset about no phone calls or communication while on vacation? If this is me and my problem within myself, I want to fix it and grow. Honesty appreciated, please. Im lost. Should I be the one running int he other direction?
If you're no longer involved in anyway, why would you be upset if he didn't respond? He's deployed to hell! Going to Germany to blow off some steam and worry only about himself sounds pretty typical for anyone fighting over there.
I say "was" because at this point in time..a month later with no communication..what should I think?
sadly, Im just another deployment statistic....just in reverse..I guess. Its usually the civilian who bails, but in this case..its the other way around. Once again, I have no problem with the fact that he went to Germany...its the silence since then that kills me.
if there was a commitment
then consideration and communication is a must
in ANY relationship
ESPECIALLY a long distance relationship
EVEN MORE SO if you understand and have compassion for what the other has already gone through in the past with worries, anxieties, stress on both your parts as a soldier, or a soldier's partner
I give TONS of leeway for soldiers not behaving well under the stress of combat
however,
that doesn't give anyone a free pass
you are you and you know better than anyone else what you want and need, and who he is as a human being
but me, triggers or not, I wouldn't tolerate that kind of treatment, or attitude, inconsideration, lack of compassion or the power play (teaching you a lesson? really?)
sorry, this pisses me off
The core of this...and this is where its getting me.... he hasnt called me ONCE since April. I gave the benefit of the doubt, I know its tough to call from there and was happy with just emails staying in touch.
But this no call vacation doesnt sit right with me.
Expectation leads to disappointment....and I sure did set myself up for that.
The craziest part about it all.... Im NOT a high maintenance girl....
this sounds like a good time to set a boundary. i think that you should go wench on him.
And this is completely understandable that you would be in a relationship like this after what you went through with your X hubs. It's almost a "safe" relationship even though there's a lot of worry and concern that comes with it because HE is not actually safe. If your new guy is moody, sad, angry, distant, hurtful etc. you can easily say it's because of his deployment, he saw war firsthand, he defended our freedom. It makes it really difficult to know what's a product of his personality and character vs the deployment.
It is very noble that you care for this man and have carried on a relationship with him despite the distance, but what is the cost to you? Yes, you are independent BUT... is it easier to be independent with a man who has distance issues built into the relationship rather than having someone at home whose flaws you have to face all the time? And who has to face your flaws all the time too? It's easy to be our best possible selves in a LDR. And regardless of how strong or whole we are, everyday relationships do have issues that wear on our independence.
I can't imagine how stressful the relationship must be for you. I wish you peace in figuring this all out. Best wishes!
As far as fights go...this really isn't one.
Honestly, I don't know where I'd stand in the relationship. I really don't.
that had me smiling big
I don't know how his post is different from MrX (who used to be an active member on this forum), but MrX had no trouble phoning or emailing me once a day when he was in the MiddleEast.
I just am upset you're in this position, and feeling protective over you.
It seems to me odd behaviour and I have learned that odd behaviour is that--it could mean anything. However, if your gut says something is odd or off, then it is. The reason could be anything--honest or dishonest.
Trust yourself.
we had an agreement not to fight on text..and if either wanted to break it up - we would skype and respect each other with face to face communication...who knows what he is thinking...it feels like punishment or a control issue..and it is ripping my heart out. Its my birthday in two days....i think it's the first birthday in my life i have no desire to celebrate it. I feel like there is something wrong with me, screwed up with me .... cos he just won't talk to me..won;t respond..won't clarify what he is going through...
I know he has his issues..an awful divorce a few years back and the ex blocks him from his daughter. He said I am the total opposite of his ex...but it seems like my love is not enough...
I just dont; understand it.