Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I had a setback yesterday.....
i sent a message to him. Its been killing me for weeks to know if he is alive or not.
Him= the man I was involved with (not my ex husband) who is currently in Afghanistan.
He went on leave a month ago. Instead of coming home, he decided to go to Germany for his 2 week break. I was so ok with that and supportive.
I never heard from him while he on vacation. He sent one quick email about beer and drinking and the countryside.
Truthfully, I tensed up on the drinking part. I was married to an alcoholic and my life was sheer hell...full of drunken violent rages, DWI's, bar fights, arrests, etc.
i honestly cringe around the topic of alcohol. I know this is a trigger for me...but it really did destroy my life. Its been years of Alanon and healing in this regard as my life has been so impacted by it.
Anyways..... he sent one email, he never even called to say hello, nothing.
What was I to think? What would anyone think? he completely blew me off. After not hearing ANYTHING from him for weeks, I did break down and sent him a quick email just asking if he was ok, if he needed anything, if I did something to upset him, that I understood if he could talk and needed space to himself. etc. He never responded.
I made the mistake of asking again yesterday if he was ok...if he could just tell me he was safe...its been a month now without hearing anything. I was scared...in this war situation..seriously... I dont know if he is even alive when I dont hear from him. To compound this, a good friend of mine was killed in combat last month, so this is making it even harder.
Well....he sent an email back last night when I asked if he was ok saying that he was upset with ME for that I understand if he cant or doesnt want to talk to me.
So...... basically..he was "punishing" me for that with silence, rather than communicating. i told him that if he was upset about something, that i would rather discuss and clear the air than have the silent treatment.
I want to feel like this is a red flag..and the other part of me has compassion...i cant imagine what he is going through there...
But.... it also kind shows me that he is a runner....and I cant go back to that. My ex was a runner too.
Am I WAY out of line for being upset about no phone calls or communication while on vacation? If this is me and my problem within myself, I want to fix it and grow. Honesty appreciated, please. Im lost. Should I be the one running int he other direction?
i sent a message to him. Its been killing me for weeks to know if he is alive or not.
Him= the man I was involved with (not my ex husband) who is currently in Afghanistan.
He went on leave a month ago. Instead of coming home, he decided to go to Germany for his 2 week break. I was so ok with that and supportive.
I never heard from him while he on vacation. He sent one quick email about beer and drinking and the countryside.
Truthfully, I tensed up on the drinking part. I was married to an alcoholic and my life was sheer hell...full of drunken violent rages, DWI's, bar fights, arrests, etc.
i honestly cringe around the topic of alcohol. I know this is a trigger for me...but it really did destroy my life. Its been years of Alanon and healing in this regard as my life has been so impacted by it.
Anyways..... he sent one email, he never even called to say hello, nothing.
What was I to think? What would anyone think? he completely blew me off. After not hearing ANYTHING from him for weeks, I did break down and sent him a quick email just asking if he was ok, if he needed anything, if I did something to upset him, that I understood if he could talk and needed space to himself. etc. He never responded.
I made the mistake of asking again yesterday if he was ok...if he could just tell me he was safe...its been a month now without hearing anything. I was scared...in this war situation..seriously... I dont know if he is even alive when I dont hear from him. To compound this, a good friend of mine was killed in combat last month, so this is making it even harder.
Well....he sent an email back last night when I asked if he was ok saying that he was upset with ME for that I understand if he cant or doesnt want to talk to me.
So...... basically..he was "punishing" me for that with silence, rather than communicating. i told him that if he was upset about something, that i would rather discuss and clear the air than have the silent treatment.
I want to feel like this is a red flag..and the other part of me has compassion...i cant imagine what he is going through there...
But.... it also kind shows me that he is a runner....and I cant go back to that. My ex was a runner too.
Am I WAY out of line for being upset about no phone calls or communication while on vacation? If this is me and my problem within myself, I want to fix it and grow. Honesty appreciated, please. Im lost. Should I be the one running int he other direction?
That he was upset withe *me* for saying that I understood if he couldnt talk about things or needed space.
I also agree that because of the situation where he is, tha it could be understandible if he were a little short or distant with you at times.
That said, I never advocate for a long distance relationship. They rarely work out.
I don't think you're out of line. He has a profession that is extremely dangerous. you were right to be worried about him. Him not sending you any information at all was very inconsiderate to someone who is his girlfriend to say the least.
I don't think this is something that you should consider as a problem about yourself. People have different levels of feedback, communication, and attention they need in relationships. Personally, I couldn't stand to go that long without communication. It's too long. How do you feel if he thinks it is an acceptable level of interaction? Do you think you could handle a relationship being this way long term?
Part of relationships is learning where we are compatible with each other. Even if you really like/love someone, if your needs are not being met in a relationship, it will make the relationship difficult. Is this a difficulty you are wiling to overlook? In my own marriage, getting positive feedback and loving words only a a few times a year was not enough and it was one of the things that tore us apart.
But while on vacation???? It really kinda boggles my mind. It sends me the message that he didnt think enough of me to even call for 5 minutes...even if he only called once..i would have been ok... I just feel as if I were completely dismissed.
He got upset with me because after not hearing from him for weeks (while on vacation, and after returning to Afghanistan) I asked if everything was ok...and that I understood if he couldnt talk about what he was going through. Honestly, i cant imagine what it is like to have a 2 week break from that and KNOW that you have to go back to that hell hole.
But to not want to talk to me AT ALL while on vacation?? Ouch... I thought maybe I was asking too much of him for that....
..and now he is turning it back around on me by not speaking to me at all and wondering why on Earth I would think he didnt want to talk to me...
Ugh...
It took him 6 days to even get from his camp to Berlin.
He works 24/7 ...NEVER a day off for the past 6 months...so I totally understand just want to rest and a short flight... I didnt take him wanting to go to Germany personally at all. i was supportive of that decision...the poor guy just wanted to get some rest and sleep...While I was looking forward to seeing him, I also supported what he needed to do for himself. But no contact while on vacation? that hurts..
Taking the deployment out of the equation....how would you handle this situation if it happened at home?
I've dealt with the silent treatment far too many times to dismiss it as a byproduct of a stressful situation. Plain and simple, it is childish behavior. One that I have learned the hard way NOT to excuse away.
I think you know in your heart the truth of the matter.