I have not posted here in months, but this hit a raw spot for me. I too was cheated on...married 23 years and he cheated 11 years ago with her, then 18 months ago i found out they had never really ended it. I too have major trust issues. I don't trust myself...which is more painful then not being able to trust someone else. I don't trust my judgement in people, or my ability to know I can move forward and not die doing it. I was in counseling for almost 14 months, and it did help. But my reality is it will always be there. I just don't want take with me the hurt, and mistrust from person to person when it is not justified. I guess I have some work to still complete. I just tell myself, tell others what I am feeling, and going through and hope they don't run for the hills. I am sure I have scared the poor bagger at the grocery store by asking him the same question over and over...again, i don't trust. I guess time will heal. But the heart has to find that special person to make it whole again. I wish you luck. Take time for yourself, take time to reflect, and keep busy. If anyone ever finds the magic pill.... I am in on in it!!!!

(((runnerkate)))

spoke to my heart too

I've been right where you are now. I trusted my spouse as well as a couple of close friends and was betrayed. It's tough, but you have to trust, wisely, of course.

It certainly does make a person more careful.

TML67, I agree with you...hurts like a motherfucker. But you know what? We can't let that hold us down. Knocked us cold, yeah, but dammit, can't let it hold us down, no f'in way. They messed us up enough. Time to walk proud again. Walk with me brother, I'll walk with you. Just FYI, learning a lot of women with asshole husbands are hurting out there too, and can't promise you'll find another to trust the same...their are genuinely good people out there. Need some patience, take your time.

after i was raped while in the military? and after i was beaten by another guy just because i refused to have sex with him?
and then after MY MAN (the love of my life) tried to emotionally destroy me and abuse me?
I'm with what Rman said
they can try to seek out MY trust. other than that... i have walls they won't be able to climb over or get through. .....thick walls.
unfortunately that's how things are now.

It took me three years to trust again after he left. I am in a new relationship and i still have trust issues. I do not give my ex any power any more though. That is dead. I may not give the new guy a fighting chance. He pays the sins of my ex. Now that torpedoes my new relationship.

I think we do need to find a way to trust again. Just because our exes were rotten, selfish people, does not mean everyone is. To let them destroy us this way gives them continuing power over our lives. I am going to do my best to trust again - what is the worst that can happen. After being dumped from a 31 year relationship, what could be worse? We've already been through the worst so what are we afraid of? The only way we can move on and put this behind us IS to trust again. Otherwise we are still letting the exes control our lives and I want him out permanently and forever.

After being in counseling for almost two years I learned that there are people who are not going to want to be in only one relationship in their life. They will stay for years and then decide they want out. There was a study that showed that this is part genetic doesn't mean they have to leave because in the study although some also had a wondering eye they said they loved their partner too much to ever cheat on them or leave them. Also you have to look at their parents relationship.
Trust I think takes time... I trusted my second husband and he knew my first and all the things my first did to me, I thought he would never cheat on me or leave but he did.
TML67 I know how it feels to be dead inside, it gets better with time. But you can't let one person's actions ruin all other relationships.
hugs

To me giving some one your trust is the most covenant thing, When I first had the courage to ask her if she was having an affair she said,"No".....and I believed her.....now I looking back, she was having affairs and I didn't know. I feel gutted.

This is the way I look at it. The reason I hurt so bad right now is because I gave my husband the power to hurt me this bad. I loved him and trusted him and gave it all I've got. But what's the alternative? To be in relationships with your guard up? I happen to think it was worth the pain. I know that I'll try again if someone comes along that I think is worth the risk. That saying 'it's better to have loved than lost than to never have loved at all' is right on as far as I'm concerned. There are good people in the world and if you don't allow yourself to fly for fear of falling, you'll be grounded your entire life. Yuck.

And to the one who said something about vows being a bitch... my husband actually wrote our vows. How sad is that!? But I still had 4 amazing years!

You feel gutted now but believe me their our woman and men who believe vows matter, who are loyal and trustworthy.

yeah my counselor said my retraction and avoidance of people is probably hurting my current friendships and future relationships.

at the moment i feel like i don't really care. i know it's wrong.
i'm trying really really hard to not push my friends away when i'm hurting and to not shut people out. but it happens.
i feel like i don't trust people and they don't understand.

My husband has betrayed my trust over and over again in our relationship. I keep trusting him.

Maybe that means I'm gullible, naive or simply not very bright, but I have to appreciate that I have been able to maintain a quality that I perceive to be a good one.

He is the problem. My trust is not.

I guess what I can't get my head around is that I love this person unconditionally....Who the hell can you trust if you can't the one person who you thought was just there for you. And to turn the optics around for a second, I would never have done we she did because I know it .....or I thought I knew it would devastate her and it could have hurt the kids......I'm struggle with this one. And I understand a little what Bluesun said....I have moved to a remote Island in the San Juans because I have loss my faith in mankind.....and I simply can't trust anyone now...

It was the wise dude in the first reply of this thread who once asked me what the alternative was to trusting again...you could stay alone. That is the other choice. I hated both ideas really...the thought of being alone from my mid-thirties on...and risking getting hurt again, in the same way. Life is hard sometimes. But trust can happen again, even if you have baggage and insecurities. Just focus on processing what went wrong, what she owns versus what you own, in the end of your relationship..and then when the time comes, you can try again - or not. Your choice. :)