MY FRIEND , NO BLIND DATING SITES ,

NOTHING FOR THE BLIND , EXPLAINING WOULD BE ART .

free... I'm not your friend and you are not amusing.

Hi Dave. It sounds as though you have alot to cope with right now. I'm sorry that you feel so alone. Isolation is very lonely and difficult for anyone. I'm not in the same position in that I'm married and have friends who help me to get around when I can't managa but I would like to offer you support. Is there an institute for the blind where you live? We have the CNIB here in Canada and they are an amazing support for visually impaired people in terms of connecting you to everything from cane training and various aids to actually coming to help you navigate the public transit system. I don't know if you use a cane or not yet but being comfortable with one and public transit would enable you to join clubs or groups that might include others of like interests which is usually the best way to make new friends and meet women who you may have things in common with. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but it may be a starting place. Do you have friends in your area that might also help you to get connected? Having a disability is always a little rough on our self esteem. Please try to remember that it doesn't change who you are and there are wonderful people out there who wouldn't dream of judging you by your physical abilities. There is someone for everyone. : )

In explaining your visual loss, my way is to just be very matter of fact. I really don't sugar coat thigs and most often I find myself consoling others when they find out I'm blind. I just tell them the truth and don't skip a beat. After all, it's a fact and I'm ok with that so if they aren't all I can do is keep on living my life and looking for positive people to surround myself with right? I find most people to be very sensitive and understanding. If you did want to set up a first meeting with someone, could you maybe try to set it up somewhere near enough to take a taxi there? That way you just give the taxi driver an address or perhaps ask a friend for a ride. I suppose you could also ask them to your place but I don't know how safe that is. It might be better to meet someone in a public place.

I do know how hard it is to be alone...I was divorced and alone with 2 small kids at one time and isolated as well. Try to be confident in who you are and it will shine through in everything you do and all whom you meet. One day, I'm sure you'll look back and see this time in your life as a challenge you over came. I'm glad you found your way here and hope you find support and encouragement in your knew home soon. : )

Hello Dave,

Welcome to our little group. If you have a chance you can contact your local Commission for the Blind. They have a wonderful support system and can help you with getting around your community. They can even help you get a seeing eye dog if you need to.

I live with my boyfriend but I am home most of the day by myself, so to get social I decided to take some classes online. This has helped some in keeping in contact with people.

A local group in my community set up a support group for the vision impaired and they also have an office that I can go to if I need to.

As for meeting someone that will accept you the way you are, that can be a little difficult even without a disability. I'm sure you will find someone when you least expect it.
Good luck to you.
DC

Thanks for the serious and sympathetic replies.

doctorh: My eyesight it good enough that I do not normally require a cane> I am fortunate to live in a town which offers a door-to-door service for folks which is certainly better than the public transit system here, but still has its drawbacks regarding scheduling etc. I have really no support network, being new and really not knowing anyone here outside of work. I'm hoping to build one but being a mid-40s divorced male also has its challenges in that regard.

I think your solution of being upfront about the disability is probably the best one there is. For most of my life I have held back on this for various reasons, and getting the feeling I was consoling the person I was telling was one of them because I very much felt pitied in situations like that and hated it. And of course in my younger years, blind jokes were told about me both in and out of my presence which did nothing to help me assimilate. But I'm starting again to try the direct approach as I need the interaction but also need people to understand what I'm dealing with so that when I behave in an apparently odd or rude way, they take a couple of moments to consider how my disability might be affecting that situation. At least as one ages, ones peers in general become more sympathetic to those around them.

I am sure having a spouse again is a great help and comfort to you. I'm pretty newly separated and I certainly miss the support my wife gave me wrt my disability.


dc6289: It would be great if there were a support group in my town. I guess there is in a way, but having a significant visual impairment in ones 40s is pretty rare and the group that I know of all has folks suffering from age-related degenerative diseases, so they are all mid 60s+. So, there is some lack of commonality. I also live in a small town so statistics as far as finding people in a similar situation as mine are not on my side. I'm glad you have found ways to become less isolated. The Internet is certainly very useful for folks like us; I can only imagine how much more difficult my current situation would be without it and online boards such as this.

Best to you both,
Dave

Dave, hang in there..I promise the road will get easier..and happier :) When you do need to explain your visual loss to people, make sure you are proud of the great person you are before you tell them. If people sense you are expecting a bad reaction, or you're uncomfortable or apologetic for your vision loss they tend to take lisence to make comments that they otherwise wouldn't. Don't ask me why. I guess some people are opportunists and some are very uncomfortable so they don't know whether to pity you, make light of it, ignore it or what. If they sense you are strong and accepting of your circumstances I think it puts them at ease to some degree. I've found that sometimes I spend more time making them feel comfortable than the other way around and that bothered me at first. Then I thought, who cares as long as we enjoy each other in the end, right? My family has been much more traumatized by my diagnosis than I have. I'm living it and KNOW that I'll be ok. They can't imagine what I'm going through and so they fear the worst case scenario. They are settling down now and seeing that I really am ok! I look forward to seeing an update from you one day soon saying you've connected and are comfortable to have a healthy balanced life again. It WILL happen. :)

Hi Dave,

I'm Mike, I'm just a few years younger than you. I wasn't married, but had a long term relationship which ended about the same time I stopped driving.

I briefly tried a dating site this summer (plenty of fish), at the top of the profile page it asks if you have a car. Of course I was honest and explained in my profile that I had a vision problem. I had some pretty nasty messages from some women, things like "come back when you can afford one' or women thinking I was looking for a chauffeur... Anyway, I closed my account within a week.

I don't use a cane yet, and most people have no idea about my vision problems. I stay away from crowds, dark restaurants and rarely leave the house at night. That makes dating pretty tough.

My dog and I walk several miles a day. it makes me feel good to get out and I also meet a lot of neighbors who I wouldn't have met otherwise. Recently, I have had a good looking single Mom joining me on my evening walk. She's a neighbor and we have been spending time together having dinner and such, we'll see where it goes but she is pretty understanding and I've noticed that she points out steps and curbs when she's unsure if I see them.

I guess my point is, you're not alone and things will get better. My best advice is to find a hobby that doesn't isolate you. Maybe take a non-credit class at the community college?

As far as "scaring people off", I will mention I have a vision problem and if they ask more I tell them in bits. If they are self centered they won't ask. If they have any interest in you, they will want to know more. It's like a good woman filter:)

I know it's a cliche, but it seems in my life I have always fallen into a relationship when I wasn't looking for one. Be good to yourself and everything else will follow.

Mike

KEEPEN IT REAL .

If there is no support group in your town start one. Try being more outgoing. Do not be shy. Speek to people don't just walk on by. I have found in life that no mater what your handicape is you attitude is the important thing. A bad attitude will get you nowhere. and good attitude will open many doors.
Handicap or not we all fear rejection from other people. If you let your fear stand in you way it will be very difficult no mater what new things you are wanting and no matter what kind of relationship you are seeking. The love of you life is not going to just knock on your door. You have to actively go out and seek friendship. We all take chances in friendship some times we win sometime we loose. but if we do not try we will never have a meaqningful realtionship. Just because one did not work does not mean they will all fail. Soe time the most unlikely people become out best friends. This has happend to me several times. Go places where you will be put with people.

Thanks Mamob,
Yes I understand and that all sounds very good on paper at least. But of course when you have lived a life when you have been made fun of and treated like a second or third class citizen, then it is not such a straightforward path.

Just today I was reminded that I do not live in a world where I am on a level playing field. I was on a flight and the luggage bins were nearly full. I was struggling to see where I could put my bag. A person who could obviously see I was having difficulty decided to not even politely ask me to move so he could put his bag in an empty space practically in front of me that I did not see. Bloody dog eat dog world and when you cannot see as well as everyone else, you often come out with the short stick and feeling pretty bad because of it.

There will always be ignorant people. Believe me, I have live with a handicap too and it is not one you can see. but it is still there. But the one thing I do is not ever try to hide my handicap. I tell people that I have this handicap and ask for help. Sometime I have even gotten very angry and told the ignorant person off and believe me. I do get their attention and give them some education. We all need help now and then, some of us need more help than others. It is Ok to want to be independent but we all need some kind of help from time to time. I am not shy I will ask for help if i need it.
I agree that the life dose not have a level playing field. And sometimes is just does not seem fair. We just have to make the best of what we are given. Do not dwell on what you do not have or can't do ,Ponder on what you can do and you do have. I am not saying it is easy but many things in life are not easy. I to have had people make fun of me and call me stupid because i could not read or spell or do math all my life. I still run into people who do not understand and can not comprehend my handicap. I was called lazy, stupid dumb . I was left out of games . and not allowed to do some school activities because I was not a student with high grades. They did not look at what I could do or my many talents. Then the time came that I said , Hey I can do that and that and that . I may not be able to do spell but I can sing . i cant read music but I can play the piano . I can write song . I cant do math well but i cam make beautiful quilts and clothes. I cant type worth a darn but I can communicate with others . It will just take me longs to type it and check the spelling as best I can. . I can talk and speak well. I am not dumb or stupid and i am not shy. I know how it feels when other people treat you bad but I do not let it stop me. I pat my self on the back when I find I can do something well. I am very talented in many ways. and I use my talents to make my life better and fun. I am creative. I have a handicap that I live with daily it is not going to go away So I must make the best of what I can do. I am reminded daily that I have a handicap by people and myself. I have found I have to make my life work for me. Because I can understand what works for me and what does not. I hope wjat isay will be of helpto you. you are not alone in this world. I do things that make s me feel good about my self. I can not waste my time waiting for other people to say and think I am smart or talented . I know I am ! And that is all that really matters. Start believing in your self. Be your own best friend.

Mamob,
Thank you and I am happy you are living well with your handicap.

I'm really looking for tools here, not just the generic pep talk though. It is easy to say "go where other people are". But if one has a visual impairment, one knows the real difficulty behind this statement. It is difficult to interact in groups, especially when no one in the group knows you. And of course, not being able to see and recognize faces is a huge disadvantage in such situations. I saw a TV program last night that stated that "93% of communication is through body language". That's a shit load of signals and communication we visually impaired people miss simply because we cannot see it. And it works the other way. I know because I do not present proper body language at times this confuses sighted people and causes them to retreat. What I'm looking for is ideas on where to go, what types of groups might be best, etc. I'm 44 years old. I have had a successful career and I am quite intelligent. But honestly, I cannot figure this one out. If one is a visually impaired male, one knows of the added bonuses that brings. Guys are all about competition for the most part, and guess what, when you cannot see, the vast majority of the time, you lose, even in conversation, because of your disability. I'm looking for the types of places I can go and groups I can meet where I'm going to feel comfortable and not like I'm in yet one more competition that I'm going to lose or am a novelty that will wear off in the near future. Something nurturing for lack of a better word.

I'm also quite aware that women are not "going to come and knock on my door". Yet another reason why I have posted here, to try and gain insight from visually disabled people who have been there and may have ideas.

I'm exhausted from "educating" people. More often than not when people are "interested" this leads me to a five or ten minute conversation with them of "what I can and cannot see" and "how it has affected my life" and I never hear from that person again.

All the best to you.

theater arts acting groups
choirs
comedy improv
gardening clubs
debate clubs
bible study groups ask at church
singles groups ask at church
learn how to give message
travel groups
cooking schools
trivia games groups
learn how to play an instrument
join a kitchen band

If they don't call you back or contact you again contact them. Reading another person actions can lead to the wrong answer. They may think you do not want them as a friend or they have a hard time dealing with your blindness. You have to do your part in letting people know you want friends and to be social. forget what has gone on in the past or with other people . Everyone is not the same . Do not except defeat so fast . As I have said before you have to become outgoing not shy. I move to a new area I had no friends . I joined a new church, joined the choir, taught Sunday school, help with the drama and skits ministry, I handed out the bulletins and help fold them and greeted people as that came in to church. I joined a small group at church and bible study . the small group became my friends and we did many thing together not related to church. I joined a quilting group .I did not just sit home I went out to seek new people new friends and new activities that I could do . I learned how to do new things.I took class a community collage. My daughter in-law is blind and she is going to school to become a grief counselor, she works as a vet tec and care for animals . There are so many things you can do and place to go to meet people and friends. Do not think of your self as blind man look at your self as a MAN. You have much to give and share with other people and the world.

http://www.afb.org/Section.asp?SectionID=28&TopicID=263&DocumentID=2900

Teaching Social Skills to Students with Visual Impairment