Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I'm new. I found you all looking for group support after just coming out of the worst manic episode I have had to date and that may or may not end my marriage.
I saw it coming. I knew I was going into mania. I tried to get help before it took over. It didn't work. I did things I knew were manic and didn't even want to do. It felt compulsive. I did them anyway. I felt helpless. It fet absolutely compulsive.
I have talked to my psych multiple times over the last week (and my therapist as well). We did a lab work up when the episode first started to hit. I got the results today.
Not one of my medications were within therapeutic range. I'm at max doseage on most of my meds. It like one metabolizing them too fast to work properly. The effect is that it's like I'm not being medicated at all.
We changed the whole treatment plan today, moving to Lithium and otherwise doing a "medicine wash." Follow up again in four weeks with another set labs.
Here's the thing though. I thought my symptoms we're under control. I thought I was stable. I thought people around me were gaslighting me and making me out to be the bad guy.
Turns, out I am the bad guy ... and I had no idea how much so, until the full-blown mania hit.
And now my husband and I are trying to figure out individually and separately what, if anything, can be done for our marriage.
Now, it's hard to trust my own mind. It's going to be harder for the people I love to trust my stability ... or trust me in general. I thought I had accepted my diagnosis and that I was aware of what it meant and looked like. But it turns out I really had no clue and zero self awareness. Pride cometh before the fall.
I feel completely blindsided. How could I think I was fine when I so obviously wasn't? Why wouldn't I listen to the people closest to me? How can I ever be confident that it won't happen just like this again at any time?
I feel like I did when I was first diagnosed. Totally lost ...
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
I pulled up my DBT workbook on my kindle tonight. I never made it through the first time ... I’m going for it again, though.
@Maui1992, I have a hard time slowing myself down into distraction and self soothing when manic or highly agitated. Did you experience this? Is there something you did to help transition. It seems, for now, like to big of a leap from mania to the stillness of enjoying the smell of a candle and being fully present in the moment.
First, you're right: it was like you weren't even on meds. BP is a very hard illness to deal with without that help. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. That compulsiveness you felt is normal for us from what I've read and understand.
How were you the bad guy? Was it because of the compulsive things you did or the things you did when you weren't well? I'm reserving judgement here but it sounds like that was out of your control. I hear you saying you tried to get ahold of things. It's not like you just went "aw the heck with this" and did whatever you wanted. You and your loved ones need to reframe what happened with that in mind.
Third, your pride quote is actually a "shortened form" if you will of "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Here's hoping you can avoid destruction with your marriage. But I don't see anything in your post that says to me you were prideful or haughty. In fact I'd be willing to bet that pride was what you were trying to avoid.
The thing is you were ill. Having to go through what you went through is the pits. But you know what else is literally the pits? Coffee beans. They're the pits of the fruit of the coffee plant. It takes many steps and hard work to go from coffee pits to a nice hot cup of coffee. Here's hoping you and your husband can eventually make coffee out of what happened.
@OldButWise, my pride was thinking I was in more control of BP than it was of me leading up to the mania. I had people I love and respect try to warn me, and I didn’t listen. I know I’m not the only one to have ever done it, but I underestimated the illness and overestimated my wellness.
And the the fall, it’s both what I did that felt like compulsion, doing it even though I was aware that it was a compulsion and couldn’t fight it off, which were, in fact, because I was unwell.
I don’t do hypomania. I do full-on mania. It’s like being in a dream that’s a horror movie and your both the audience screaming “DON’T GOBUP THE STAIRS, MORON!” and being the “moron” who goes up the stairs — because you have to. It’s the compulsion. It’s the script.
I appreciate all of the “I’ve been there” comments. They’re comforting. I appreciate receiving the graciousness, I’m struggling to grant myself right now.
I love that you recognized that quote from Goethe maybe most of all
Lithium still is the gold standard for mania so hopefully it will either alone, or in combination with something else at least reduce the impacts.
I've heard that some people have emergency plans that they agree with someone close to them. I don't know the full extent of them, taking away credit cards and car keys would possibly be on the plan. But I still wonder how that is recieved when you are in full mania, it could actually make things worse...but it's a possible I guess...
Have you ever seen the movie A Mighty Wind? There's a song in there called One More Time. "Please don't take away your love dear. One mistake is not a crime." OK so it sounds like it may have been a fairly big mistake. I'm sending good thoughts your way (are we allowed to use the P word on this site?).
Fish, unfortunately giving my CC to someone won't help me. I have the CC number and the CVV memorized. Serious thought, can parental... blocks? (I can't think of the word right now) help me? I'm thinking if I go to put in my CC number for something I'd have to have someone approve it first. If not, I'm an amateur programmer. Maybe I could come up with something.
You aren't the bad guy sweetie... You were the sick guy
I agree with what others have written and I think having an emergency substitute decision maker is a really really good thing if there's someone that you trust completely and write a legal contract
Then this person can contact your doctor in your behalf when or if things start to go awry and discuss your symptoms and how you can be helped
Someone that you can write a contract with that you'll agree to honour. when possible and it gives the person the ability to do something when you're unwell....These can help a great deal if you're comfortable with it
I hope that your marriage will be okay....
Perhaps as well as doing some separate thinking and ? therapy you can also have some together even if it's just a short course of it to help you through this rough time and help towards some solid ground and I really hope that you can get there
Another hug.... Baby steps and as much as you can try to live in today.... xo
The idea of a contract is a fantastic one. I did have people try to warn me, but I honestly believed I was fine.
I need to give someone a conditional override button of some kind. I think it’s a fantastic idea.
Thank you for sharing it.
You’re all wonderful people.
You'd give a copy to your psychiatrist in advance to that it was on file
What Is A Substitute Decision-Maker?How Do I Choose A Substitute Decision-Maker?How Do I Appoint A Substitute Decision-Maker?
A substitute decision-maker (SDM) is a person you choose in advance to make health care decisions for you in the event that you can't make them for yourself. An SDM can help make health care decisions on your behalf at the end of life or anytime you can't make these decisions for yourself, such as if you are severely injured. An SDM also may be called a health care representative, agent, or proxy.In general, an SDM can agree to or refuse treatment and can with…