Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Before I start my post, anyone who isn't feeling very good tonight, I don't advise you carry on reading as it may be triggering. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else feeling this bad :(
I don't even know if this post is going to make any sense...I just need to talk.
I'm feeling...really bad at the moment. I feel like screaming, crying, punching the walls, cutting...anything to make this feeling go away. I hate it when I feel so desprate, so in need of help but not wanting to tell anyone. Not at home anyway. My Mum is home and as far as she knows I'm sitting in my room knitting...knitting ha! I feel like shoving the bloody needle through my hand!
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. Everytime I seem to get better in everyone elses eyes, I suddenly crash again. But it's not that I felt better. I was just coping better...able to hide it, like now. Then when it all gets too much, everyone else sees my mood crash.
I'm so tired of fighting, pretending...having to live like this day in day out.
Part of me doesn't actually want to get 'better'. Because so far my 'better' has been so that I seem OK on the outside, but still being tortured on the inside. If I didn't 'get better' I could just act out on all the symptoms and all the feelings. I just keep thinking, I need to be in hospital, I'm one of these people who are just going to end up sitting in a hospital ward room, carving myself up. Part of me actually wants to be left to it. I sound crazy for saying it but I do. Then another part of me...a smaller part just wants it all to go away and everything to be back to normal...but that's never going to happen. So I'm left with the other option. Feeling like this and trying to hide it all is doing me in!
I don't know if anyone will understand this and because of what I've said a lot of you will probably think I'm crazy...or just get angry with me. I know what I should do but I can't...I'm stuck.
x-Bliss-x
I don't even know if this post is going to make any sense...I just need to talk.
I'm feeling...really bad at the moment. I feel like screaming, crying, punching the walls, cutting...anything to make this feeling go away. I hate it when I feel so desprate, so in need of help but not wanting to tell anyone. Not at home anyway. My Mum is home and as far as she knows I'm sitting in my room knitting...knitting ha! I feel like shoving the bloody needle through my hand!
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. Everytime I seem to get better in everyone elses eyes, I suddenly crash again. But it's not that I felt better. I was just coping better...able to hide it, like now. Then when it all gets too much, everyone else sees my mood crash.
I'm so tired of fighting, pretending...having to live like this day in day out.
Part of me doesn't actually want to get 'better'. Because so far my 'better' has been so that I seem OK on the outside, but still being tortured on the inside. If I didn't 'get better' I could just act out on all the symptoms and all the feelings. I just keep thinking, I need to be in hospital, I'm one of these people who are just going to end up sitting in a hospital ward room, carving myself up. Part of me actually wants to be left to it. I sound crazy for saying it but I do. Then another part of me...a smaller part just wants it all to go away and everything to be back to normal...but that's never going to happen. So I'm left with the other option. Feeling like this and trying to hide it all is doing me in!
I don't know if anyone will understand this and because of what I've said a lot of you will probably think I'm crazy...or just get angry with me. I know what I should do but I can't...I'm stuck.
x-Bliss-x
Read my post above your last reply.
I am seeing a therapist already, weekly. My appointment isn't till not this Monday the Monday after. But my pdoc has told me that I can call him anytime and he'll see me. But he's not there at weekends.
x-Bliss-x
Sorry if Im annoying... just trying to help.