Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Before I start my post, anyone who isn't feeling very good tonight, I don't advise you carry on reading as it may be triggering. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else feeling this bad :(
I don't even know if this post is going to make any sense...I just need to talk.
I'm feeling...really bad at the moment. I feel like screaming, crying, punching the walls, cutting...anything to make this feeling go away. I hate it when I feel so desprate, so in need of help but not wanting to tell anyone. Not at home anyway. My Mum is home and as far as she knows I'm sitting in my room knitting...knitting ha! I feel like shoving the bloody needle through my hand!
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. Everytime I seem to get better in everyone elses eyes, I suddenly crash again. But it's not that I felt better. I was just coping better...able to hide it, like now. Then when it all gets too much, everyone else sees my mood crash.
I'm so tired of fighting, pretending...having to live like this day in day out.
Part of me doesn't actually want to get 'better'. Because so far my 'better' has been so that I seem OK on the outside, but still being tortured on the inside. If I didn't 'get better' I could just act out on all the symptoms and all the feelings. I just keep thinking, I need to be in hospital, I'm one of these people who are just going to end up sitting in a hospital ward room, carving myself up. Part of me actually wants to be left to it. I sound crazy for saying it but I do. Then another part of me...a smaller part just wants it all to go away and everything to be back to normal...but that's never going to happen. So I'm left with the other option. Feeling like this and trying to hide it all is doing me in!
I don't know if anyone will understand this and because of what I've said a lot of you will probably think I'm crazy...or just get angry with me. I know what I should do but I can't...I'm stuck.
x-Bliss-x
I don't even know if this post is going to make any sense...I just need to talk.
I'm feeling...really bad at the moment. I feel like screaming, crying, punching the walls, cutting...anything to make this feeling go away. I hate it when I feel so desprate, so in need of help but not wanting to tell anyone. Not at home anyway. My Mum is home and as far as she knows I'm sitting in my room knitting...knitting ha! I feel like shoving the bloody needle through my hand!
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. Everytime I seem to get better in everyone elses eyes, I suddenly crash again. But it's not that I felt better. I was just coping better...able to hide it, like now. Then when it all gets too much, everyone else sees my mood crash.
I'm so tired of fighting, pretending...having to live like this day in day out.
Part of me doesn't actually want to get 'better'. Because so far my 'better' has been so that I seem OK on the outside, but still being tortured on the inside. If I didn't 'get better' I could just act out on all the symptoms and all the feelings. I just keep thinking, I need to be in hospital, I'm one of these people who are just going to end up sitting in a hospital ward room, carving myself up. Part of me actually wants to be left to it. I sound crazy for saying it but I do. Then another part of me...a smaller part just wants it all to go away and everything to be back to normal...but that's never going to happen. So I'm left with the other option. Feeling like this and trying to hide it all is doing me in!
I don't know if anyone will understand this and because of what I've said a lot of you will probably think I'm crazy...or just get angry with me. I know what I should do but I can't...I'm stuck.
x-Bliss-x
Love, Peace and Joy to you.
Click on the link there too, there is a lot of coping strategies.
if ya feel bad and you can't express it here why bother?
You are not alone. You are not the olny one to feel that way.
Take comfort in the knowledge that here you are who you are and people can relate
It's sick I know...but that is how I see my life ahead. I actually want to be on my own. I wish things would happen so that I had no one, so that my passing wouldn't effect anyone else but me.
I hate feeling like it but I can't lie to myself anymore. I want to die and I don't think I will have a future.
Dealing with now is the hard part because I have to 'keep it together' for everyone around me. It'll be better when I'm just on my own...
x-Bliss-x
Is there a place you can go to be better or at least feel a little better?? I worry--you sound resigned to the fact that it is never going to change, and I know that it will---time is all it takes and an little perseverance on your part.
I am not trying to be little miss perky here, just hoping that a feew words from another will help you get through this in one piece.
Why do I feel so alone and desperate?
I, however, am heading into Hypomania - I have been easing into it the last few days but now I definately feel it hitting - so, I need to get off and stop giving advice for a while!!
It's not that I don't believe it will pass, I know it will, but it always comes back. It will always come back. Last time I was like this I practically begged my Mum to put me in hospital. But it's so expensive, so she just kept me at home. It's fine for a while and then it just happens again. I just want it to go away.
God I sound like a small child crying over a toothache... I'm sorry :(
x-Bliss-x
I don't live in a very nice area and the two closes NHS hospitals are really horrible. They put all kinds of patients in all together. They all sleep in group rooms. I'd be terrified in there. I wouldn't be able to handle it.
x-Bliss-x
but are you in counseling on a regular basis?
You know the post I made about self worth, well that link also has info on self healing, and inner child healing. Its worth a read:
http://www.coping.org/innerhealing/dump.htm