I’m so sorry for your situation. My heart goes out to you... even without any extra accolades, you are an American hero. Thank you so much for your service to our country. You have been through so much, and you are so brave to be honest with yourself and to share your story. You are such a kind person, and thoughtful. You deserve to feel good, and I can relate to the darkness you are feeling. You are facing a tough decision, and all I can really tell you is consider where you see yourself in the future, if you know what you want in your future, and base your decision on your deep rooted wants and values. I hope this is helpful and I wish you the best.

Thor,

Firstly it sounds like you don't view your "self-starvation" as a Mental Illness, but it is. Eating Disorders are Mental Illness and you should be talking to your Pdoc and Tdoc about this and getting help managing it. Losing 50 lbs in 10 weeks is dangerous, especially if you're continuing to lose weight that rapidly.

Tomorrow sounds like a Medical Exam by a Medical Dr. so I guess you don't have to discuss your Mental Illness with that Dr., but you do have to give a reason for the rapid weight loss, and I'm sure that Dr. is not an idiot. He has access to your records Medical and Psychological, I imagine he'll be able to put 2 and 2 together when you can't provide a "physical" reason for that kind of fast weight loss...and nobody could.

As for the "consequences", i'm not sure what your referring to. Do HEPPA laws not apply in the Military? Can you lose your retirement benefit if caught lieing about Medical/Psychological conditions? If it were me, I would talk to my Medical Dr.'s about my physical illnesses/conditions and my Pdoc about my Psychological Illnesses. Can you re-schedule the Retirement Physical until you've had a chance to discuss the "eating problem" with your Pdoc, that way it's on the record with him and you can tell the Medical Dr. that its being treated by him.

Other than that I'm not sure what to advise you in this situation.

I'm sorry you are in mental pain. I too dislike myself. However I over eat. I guess I am in the opposite side of the punishment spectrum.

I hope you can find relief from what causes you pain.

It's so amazing to read about your career and then read that you're frustrated and unhappy with yourself and your life. Or psychology is always such a deviant thing isnt it - I know mine is.

I liked the idea of imagining in your mind what you want your future to be and then making the decision about lying or not lying during your exam in accordance with making this future come to be.

Also a factor however are the consequences should your lie be found out.

It doesn't sound like you're comfortable with lying though and I really don't know whether to try and put your mind at rest about it or to tell you to listen to your discomfort and be guided by it. It’s tough.

Everyone - Got the physical moved to next week. The exam is very thorough and she (I think it will the nurse practitioner I saw her earlier this year) will be requiring a full disrobe, and discussion of the form that I filled out with about 80 blocks and I could say yes to about 60 of those blocks. My mental health will be a large subject as it involves a disease that should result in ejection from the military and also the meds, Bipolar was also the reason of a couple of ER visits and two commitments.

In the military, your health records are the property of the US government, and there is no issue between sharing info with other military units (like your employer and nearly a dozen personnel there). You have to sign a release for care. My full care history to especially include my mental health records were discussed with non-military personnel who were also non-medical professionals. I have had people who have no right to see my record commenting on it and talking with knowledge of my mental health records. When I get to have privacy, I will not know what to do.

On the weight loss. Well, I have plateaued at about 169 and 163 Lbs, and that is from down from 220. Told the PDoc and got zero response from him, told the TDoc via email and she just wanted me to go to medical (like an acute care clinic). Very short curt answer. I did not go as this would just be a waste of my time and notify more personal than I want. And what would happen is they would transport me over to the military hospital and lock me away on the 5th deck. The issue is mental and medical is not part of that. Still, don't know what to do. I need the pain and people are going to try and take this away from me. I use this to keep the suicide at bay along with the deep depression. I need to get into the 150's next week. The is diminishing with each pound lost. I still work hard to evoke the pain which helps my depression, self-loathing and incriminations, and self-loathing.

Hi there Thor,
I don’t have magic instant words to help heal the intensity of mental health issues, not to mention the not eating (something I’ve realized I do when I’m at a point of increased mania), but please know and believe that there is help to be found....and you will connect with it, even if the first awkward steps feel wobbly. You are not any kind of failure by any means.

One of the bravest things to do is ask for help and reach out. Sincerely...there is no shame in it. One day, you will get through this difficult moment and you’ll be able to help someone else in their own difficult journey. You have a lot to contribute in this world.

These boards are helpful to connect on issues we all often experience but as far as military parameters, trust in the expert advice. I’d refrain from talking too much detail here on these boards and keep it with your professional team. I know that may seem difficult when you feel you have no privacy and of course it’s understandable you need to vent. Do you have a journal you can write in? Like an old-fashioned handwritten journal? Sketching and doodling and even the most basic art has always helped me, personally.

You will get through this. Stay strong, stay brave. Try to eat a light snack, nourishment is a good thing.

SensitiveHoboLady - I do not journal. I have tried a few times. The only time it really worked what when I was hospitalized. I have been using this board and the other one for my heart condition to blow off steam, learn more about my condition, and help others.

The military side is very different. I am retiring in a few months so I guess it will not matter soon, but if I were not retiring, I would be removed from the service. There was a lot of discussion about my dismissal back in April, and of course, I was not a party to this conversation. I was going to be removed either for my heart condition or MDD/Anxiety. My Bipolar was not recognized yet and if it was, that is an immediate reason for dismissal. My team regularly gives info to my boss and my command. This is why mental health care is ignored in nearly by all active duty members. One thing, after my first appt with my PDoc, I had to report that to the security officer to see if the visit to a PDoc would require my clearance being pulled (it was pulled). Sorry to rant... this issue has stopped me from being open with my team and I never will.

Eating Disorders are the most serious of mental illnesses Thor..... Potentially deadly

I think you should be honest with the medical professionals that are there to help you and if something needs to be done in order to help you that isn't punishment sweetie.... It's treatment for an illness

Gentle hug and a blessing.....xo

Symptoms of Anorexia..... You have done so much for your country.... I think you deserve to be helped to....xo

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa-symptoms/

One day at a time. Do what is necessary by your military medical team for the time being, until you are able to retire. It seems to me there ought to be more resources for the transition but I don’t have firsthand experience to be able to help.

I do have experience with NAMI and am a lifelong member and participate in workshops, focus groups, support groups when I need extra support during transitions, etc. I did a quick search and found this:

https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/NAMI-Homefront

When you are able, maybe doing the online course will be an option. And then one day, maybe you can help someone else. Sending over support and courage. Stay strong.

Automatic negative thinking just comes at you sometimes Thor when we're in a depression and hating ourselves can be a big part of it.....xo

http://www.cbtinthecity.com/CBTblog/how-to-deal-with-negative-automatic-thoughts/

SensitiveHoboLady - Thank you for the link. I have done CBT before, and it has mostly failed because I am still too angry with myself to get through the CBT process. Also, I tend to look for examples where the CBT fails. I need more help with anger in me.

SunCloudJD - Thank you. There are no NAMI in my area and my wife would never go. She does not really support me in anything mental outside of picking me up from my long commitment. On the eating... I need the pain it put some of my depression and anger into. It helps reduce for a while some of those dark demons that are passengers with me. I do not wish to give this up; what would I do if the TDoc (PDoc didn't care) forces me? I still am in the military and can get sent away without my consent. TDoc says that words to her have consequences. God, I want a real mental health team.

The transition is upon me. Next Friday, I will be my last day in uniform (retirement date 1 Feb but have leave till then). I have been in the military since I was 17 and now I am 50. I have become institutionalized in the military. I know the rules, I know how to judge people, and there is a finite order of things. On next Sat, I will have nothing to do, That is what really scares me. My days in the military in garrison was about 10 hrs/day and on deployment (made 7 at 6-12 months each and all to a combat zone) are 15-22 hr/day. What do I do next? Where am I going to find a job that will fulfill and challenge me on a daily basis? What are the rules that civilians use?

So I am so angry with myself that I have tried to shuffle off this mortal coil, and I still feel that way daily; I am leaving the security of the military and will commence a very difficult transition. On Sat, I will be jobless and I have not been that way since I was 12. Work is my life and a lot of my stability and identity comes from that.

Thor.
Jobless and Angy

You need to help you now IMHO..... However once you get the help that you need there is so much you can still do to help others

You could start a group in time for people leaving the military or with PTSD and offer peer support.....

You can still do so many positive and wonderful things..... Advocates are NEEDED in so many areas....

I understand that it's a huge change but change doesn't mean bad.... Big squishy hug....xo