Bipolar Disorder Support Group
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I had somewhat of a flashback when replying to 9iceblue3's post about ups and downs.
When I was a kid, my parents threatened me lots of times by saying they would send me to a psychiatrist or therapist if I didn't straighten up.
I confided in them when I was less than 10 that I was sad all the time even when I should be happy because there was nothing bad happening and I didn't know why. I told them that I wished I had never been born and I wish I would just die. They said I better stop talking like that or they would send me to a therapist and acted like I was a broken toy to be fixed. When I was a little older, my father would talk about people that had to go to inpatient care by saying they went to the "nut house"
Until about a year or two ago, my father strongly believed that mental illnesses did not exist. Basically said that they were weak minded and lumped them all into the category of 'crazy people'
I grew up feeling so ashamed. My mother's family has a history of mental illness and to an extent my mother suffered from it but didn't stand up because my father thought those people were just crazies that basically brought shame to their family (not the words he used but it was obvious)
Even as I went throughout high school, I felt ashamed to ask for help or confide in anyone. I had felt so ashamed growing up that I had to learn to hide it all deep down inside and fake a smile so well that my friends thought that I was the most optimistic person they knew. They thought that I was such a strong and confident person and thought one of the reasons was that I had such a perfect home life and parents. To this day, I can flip a switch and fake an outgoing cheerful demeanor despite actually having no self confidence and low self esteem.
I've spent years trying to work on it but decades of shame and self-loathing are hard to break.
Even in my early 20's, I was afraid of the idea of having children even though I loved them so so much because I was so afraid I would pass this curse to them.
I would literally kill myself before I would consider making a child feel as ashamed as I was made to feel.
I wish I could go back in time and comfort my child self, tell him not to be ashamed, and help him find someone to help him.
When I was a kid, my parents threatened me lots of times by saying they would send me to a psychiatrist or therapist if I didn't straighten up.
I confided in them when I was less than 10 that I was sad all the time even when I should be happy because there was nothing bad happening and I didn't know why. I told them that I wished I had never been born and I wish I would just die. They said I better stop talking like that or they would send me to a therapist and acted like I was a broken toy to be fixed. When I was a little older, my father would talk about people that had to go to inpatient care by saying they went to the "nut house"
Until about a year or two ago, my father strongly believed that mental illnesses did not exist. Basically said that they were weak minded and lumped them all into the category of 'crazy people'
I grew up feeling so ashamed. My mother's family has a history of mental illness and to an extent my mother suffered from it but didn't stand up because my father thought those people were just crazies that basically brought shame to their family (not the words he used but it was obvious)
Even as I went throughout high school, I felt ashamed to ask for help or confide in anyone. I had felt so ashamed growing up that I had to learn to hide it all deep down inside and fake a smile so well that my friends thought that I was the most optimistic person they knew. They thought that I was such a strong and confident person and thought one of the reasons was that I had such a perfect home life and parents. To this day, I can flip a switch and fake an outgoing cheerful demeanor despite actually having no self confidence and low self esteem.
I've spent years trying to work on it but decades of shame and self-loathing are hard to break.
Even in my early 20's, I was afraid of the idea of having children even though I loved them so so much because I was so afraid I would pass this curse to them.
I would literally kill myself before I would consider making a child feel as ashamed as I was made to feel.
I wish I could go back in time and comfort my child self, tell him not to be ashamed, and help him find someone to help him.
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
You are still young. And hopefully, with the right kind of therapy and work, you will be able to spend many more 'decades' free of a lot of this bullshit than you spent imprisoned by it.
As loum50 points out, re-parenting yourself is still an option, and one well worth pursuing.
Comforting, guiding, supporting and caring for the child within you can go a LONG way in helping you heal from much of the pain and sadness that made up your early years and even how you are still feeling, even yet.
Good luck.
Your past will never be 'rosy', but you can do a lot to put it in the past and leave it there.
(((((Hugs)))))
I remember that picture of me--I'm an itty bitty six year old in a striped halter and matching pants--some type of little patriotic outfit and having wildly growing honey brown hair and wide blue eyes...
Whenever I hold that child, or even mention the image, tears well up in my eyes...and I have cried violently before about that child.....
My boy and I have been talking about HALT-that really wonderful spotting technique where we look at Hunger Anger Lonliness and Anger. It has helped immensely.
All three of us in the household have psychiatric issues.
My son knows when I have "prickly pear" and knows that it might take me a second to give him a hug (its almost like an autistic response on my part).
When my son acts up, I know that most likely it is the HALT scenario.
We are trying to do more for my son. We don't always follow through on all of our promises. We never, for example, put up the swimming pool and his bike is still in the closet.
I might if I have the strength take him to the park today and let him ride his bike around.
So, I know what you mean. I am trying to break the cycle of what I went through and it is difficult.
Eulenspiegel, I suppose I was being a bit dramatic. I meant literally 20 years but the context did seem to insinuate much more. :P
thanks magicsis and thanks 4myson744 for opening up about your experiences.
I take the Lenny Bruce approach to disempowering hurtful words that are stuck in my head. I adopt them as my own and use them until they lose their power to hurt me. Instead of renaming the stigma and "correcting" everyone around me, I redefine the word inside my head and take away its power to hurt me.
But that is me.
I hope you find what works for you.