Long story short when I was 13 I met a boy,lost my virginity to him,& was my first love and was with him for 2 years until he killed himself. I'm now 23 years old,the 23rd of September made 9 years since he's been gone. My boyfriend now came home the night before the anniversary of his death and I was crying,partially because I still get upset about it but mostly because he got called out to work and decided to leave me home alone afterward to go hang out with friends although he tried to call me to ask if I wanted to go (I was asleep) and didn't wanna go anyway so he went alone. Which was fine but I felt like he should want to be with me because he works all the time,so I was mainly crying about that but when he asked I said it was about that boy I was with when I was 15. Okay fast forward to today. He mentions going to the bar he knows I can't go hardly anywhere because of my anxiety,and he shouldn't have to sit here with me all the time and be miserable just because I have so many problems. So I got to feeling some type of way about it even though I knew I shouldn't because it's not his fault I have anxiety. But he keeps asking what's wrong so I tell him "if you leave me here alone again for the second weekend in a a row I'm going to start acting brand new on you and you won't like it,but I can't do that because it's not your fault that I can't go out places" (i know,it doesn't make sense that's why I didn't want to tell him) and then he completely changed the subject and asks me why I stillgave a f*ck about a boy that died 10 years ago that was a piece of sh@t,that left me for another girl,introduced me to drugs and treated me bad (all of which are true!) But I told him it wasn't him it was the situation because it was really traumatic to me and he kept asking why? And I couldn't tell him because honestly I don't know I mean I was 15 of course it was traumatic. But he doesn't understand why I care now and I tried to explain to him that I struggle making normal connections with people because of it and I said like "I could walk out of here tomorrow and not she'd a tear" I immediately regretted what I said because I didn't mean it like it came out,I just meant that ever since that happened to me losing people isn't all that hard on me. But I didn't mean I wanted to leave him or anything so I try to explain to him I didn't mean it that way and he starts saying it don't matter if you didn't mean it,you still said it. Over and over. At this point I'm crying and he just keeps saying things to me and I try to tell him this I why indolent talk to him about my problems because I always try to make things make sense and say them when they don't even make sense in my own head and I end up saying stuff I don't mean and hurting his feelings or making him mad. I don't know how to fix this,I'm.severely bipolar and have social anxiety and can't work and I like in SC where you can't get insurance unless you have kids or get a check. And he don't make enough money to pay medical bills so getting treatment isn't an option. I try to explain to him that I can't help it sometimes i can't control my emotions and the way I feel even when I KNOW it doesn't make sense but all he says is break the cycle. Like if i could I would. But I cant. Most times I just suffer in silence because I always say and do stuff to make him mad or upset because I can't control my own emotions and I always say stuff I don't mean. I can't make him understand it's not me it's my disorder. But I think he thinks I use that as an excuse