accepted and moving on with life....please see todays journal entry I just wrote.

I know what you are thinking... YOU HAD HER ARRESTED? Well I guess that was the hardest thing we have ever had to do. She was out of control. She was arrested for being a run away, inncuragable. So out of control the officer had to take his stun gun to the lowest setting to get her under control. Does anyone know what it is like to watch you child loose control and want to do herself and you bodily harm? After the second arrest, Madison Center{her psych group} in who we were in contact with this whole time. Decided we needed to take her to their hospital for evaluation. READY FOR THE SURPRISE? They had her on the wrong medication mis diagnois her. SO please tell me again about what a great idea it is for her be medicated and have someone who costs $200 USD for 15 min sessions, to give her pills. Another one who charges the same and all she does is just sit there cuz she does not trust them.

I accept I have it for the most part but I'm not good about taking my medication. Am taking it properly at the moment but about the behaviour thing; I guess I don't accept responsibility for how I am a lot of the time. I put it down to illness but the repercussions have been bad and maybe I could've changed what happened if i hadn't been how I was.
Good thread.

WOW ....I didn't realize how much this topic would strike a nerve. I have learned more about some of you in just your short synopsis than I would have by reading a month worth of journal entries.

Like I said eairler being here may be a good step to accepting and working toward a better me and self. And so many different views of what self ownership is.

The ones that come and stay only a little while and go are problably the ones that this thread was most intended for those who don't believe this could be the real world in which most of us live. Ones who haven't taken ownership yet.

The fact we still wake up in the morning is a sign I believe that we are trying to live with what some would believe unbearable. Kudos to all who responded with such true emotion.

I work on it all the time, however after 20+ years of it, I'm exhausted with it

I have a real problem with talk thereapy. I just never liked doing it. I mentioned this in a thread yesterday , but I have a family that listens to me. So I dont hold back.. or try to pretend Im someone else. They know I get nutty sometimes and they know what to do for me when I need help. They are always ready for some kind of shit Im gonna pull. LOL Yesterday I screamed at Billy untill I couldent even talk after words. He sat on the couch and never yelled back. He didnt even look at me. Then he hugged me and said , "dont say your sorry , it's not your fault". I love my pdoc , he is really a great guy and no one has seen me cry more then him. He has made breakthrus in my life. He is trying to fix me and my inuramce pays every cent of my visits and prescriptions. I have breakdowns and they get bad , but I have always owned up to what I did. And I appologize non stop. Its draining.

I do take responsabilty for my actions and thoughts NO matter how bad ,or good I feel,I will tell all I have a problem it's not heir problem it's mine,
Mak

Just like I learned in 12 step: I admit that I am bipolar, that I have no control over this disorder. And by accepting the problem, and the fact that I can't get rid of it, only then do I have something resembling control. Me? I HAD to do my best to manage my disorder or I was gonna lose my wife. Trying to manage a relationship without me on my meds? Doesn't work. I have to take meds, realize that sometimes I cannot handle going out and risk getting into trouble. I have to tell my wife before I just disappear for a midnight walk. I do my best not to take it out on my family when I feel bad, when my episodes are bad.

I went through a period of denial that I was even BP, then went through a period after some bad med effects where I thought I could manage it on my own. Nope. I need help. I have a PDOC now, I"m setting up counseling soon and no matter where I go, this has to be in place as soon as I get there. No more "breaks".

I sometimes still deny that i have this disorder.
Even today i found myself taking meds that i hadn't taking for a couple of days...i felt a differnce and thought, ohh better take them again.DAMN!!!!

I have become dead serious about managing this illness to the best of my ability. it is my top priority in life. i want a good life, and i'm flexible about the details. it's important to me that my family, especially my kids, and future grandkids...have positive experiences and memories when it comes to me. it means saying "no" to some known triggers, even if i don't want to. it means saying yes to meds and putting the best effort i can into each day, even if i don't feel like it. I have bipolar disorder...bipolar disorder does not have me!!

bum dity bum

I think its important to add, that I answered too short on my answer, I don't give myself excuses for my behaviour when "manic" or whatever. Maybe I should, I could get rid of some of this guilt and then be able to move forward, I believe in taking responsibility but I wonder if it can be taken to far.

i feel i have taken ownership for the past couple of years. it took me awhile to come to that. i have also read self help books, talked to individuals, and am seeing a tdoc weekly. which i might add, she is a great listener but firm when i need it. i even did a presentation to my daughters college psychology course about how my bp affects me, and also my family. My daughter then spoke about how it affects her. it was a great learning experience for me.
i also, record my moods daily, and am very honest with both my tdoc and pdoc. i think that is very important.