DON'T READ IF SENSITIVE/LONG POST. Last negative post for a while probably because this is "the whole story."

There are no good options for suicidality. You hover between that space of "not quite willing to risk coma/organ failure/being crippled/getting arrested" and not wanting to try and talk to anybody.

All I have is this stupid lithium. I've been researching lithium OD for about an hour now. All the documented cases sound absolutely horrific. Coma, organ failure, days, weeks of treatment, intubation. I don't know if I can deal.

I don't want to go back inpatient. It won't matter. I don't need to 'get clean' because my pain is real.

There are only two options. You decide to face your pain because medicine is ruining your life and there's never enough.

So you do that. For a while. Convince yourself you're a p***y and that it's all in your head. You can do this. You can do it. That go get 'em attitude. That lasts a month maybe, or not even that. Maybe a little bit longer, before the pain becomes excruciating and you're too exhausted to deal with it any longer. You can't keep up the "It's not that bad" charade, even if it's the only thing the world, doctors, your family will ever believe.

Or you keep exhausting limited resources, running out early each month, unbearable physical and emotional pain for days, no end in sight. None. But how do you tell someone what you're going through without accruing the "addict" label? You don't. You cut. Scream. Hate. Try to get what you can. Crumbs, anything. No one's going to fucking believe that.

Last time when my aunt took me to the ER she said she felt complicit in a drug run. I didn't know what else to do. The pain, depression and withdrawals were far too much on top of a throat infection. On the way up she's "You're gonna be honest right? Tell 'em you're an addict and go to treatment, do it right, go all the way through with Rehab right?" and I "What? No... It's not like that." She was so disgusted with me and just. I've never felt so depressed or low in my ENTIRE LIFE and I was screaming and crying. She didn't give a fuck at all because clearly, I was a manipulative addict.

I can't do rehab. I can't deal with the physical-pain-that-has-no-name or depression with bare-bones nothing, no psych med has ever eliminated my episodes or tamped them down far enough to deal with, and that won't help the pain, even if it were feasibly successful.

I'm not doing this again, period. Never again.

There is no other way.

But I don't have a way 'out'.

She always drills it in my head that Medicaid will not believe I have real pain because A. No serious 'pain-causing' diagnosis (I haven't seen a fucking doctor in a year, there's no chance I will be assessed properly for as far into the future as I can see) and B. I ~"admitted"~ myself to be an ~"addict"~ because I tried out rehab this summer, deciding to believe them, that indeed, I am an addict. Not so. But doesn't matter now eh? They got me on paper. Busted. Lol.

So no hope for insurance, to get a doctor, to get a diagnosis, to get treated.

So what are my options, then?

Try to play along with the addict schtick and "get better" with residential treatment, assuming my pain decides to stop being real and start believing it's fake, too. And poof, disappear, so I can manage this.

Or keep this shit up and get verbally abused every month by family members.

All my options are shitty.

I'm almost... jealous of people who can find the resolve to accept any consequence, no matter how painful or long-lasting, to go with the riskier, more effective suicide options. I know that's both insulting and fucked up, but my mind's sick right now.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

My bottom line is that there is no treatment for someone with my specific circumstances that I've found, being 'Actually having legitimate but undiagnosed pain concurrent with mental illness and substance misuse borne of not having resources or legitimate means of obtaining relief'. Because legally, illegitimate use DESTROYS your legitimate pain-sufferer cred.

I don't have a gun. It's the only 100% effective way to die. OD is close to zero with most medicines, and everything else involves fire, water, or heights. Living is unbearable because even when I have momental peace, there is that slow, sickly murmur of the inevitable reality of having zero options for hope, improvement.

On top of that people think I'm 'Woe is me' simply by expressing this. Trying to express what I know to be. Because society is more disgusted by those who dare to want sympathy- MEANING a true understanding, 'I'm very sad and afraid for myself and if you understood this exactly as I do, you would feel the same, because isn't my understanding of my Self and Circumstances the most true?' are the gutterscum, the most repulsive. Why? Why is wanting someone to understand your issues as you perceive/experience them more disgusting than being racist, sexist, chauvinist, misogynist, antipathetic, a sexual deviant, uncompassionate, anything?

Anyway. I'm getting too much into this. I want to die but my resolve isn't strong enough, and my methods are limited. There are a few other ways but they might land me in legal trouble, which would reduce my job options to zero if I ever somehow got well enough to try for a career.

I feel like if I tried and failed (at suicide) and had any legal ramifications as a result or were crippled, it would reduce my will to live to absolute zero, because it'd be like, "I didn't have anything going for me before, now I'm totally fucked."

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I don't want to be told that there are options, because from everything I know, having been through "the system" since I was 14 years old, I'm pretty sure I'd know if there were anything.

I just really dunno. I was gonna go inpatient tomorrow, but that's not a long-term plan. I'll feel better for like... a week. Then everything will be the same. Residential treatment? Same. Will bullshit my way through the program with the positivity philosophy until I return to the real world, and my wishful thinking crumbles and gives way to reality "on the outside", with all the triggers to go with.

Though in my research, the only wisdom I've gained on suicide attempts is that if you're serious, there IS no painless way that's highly effective. I'm just left rather disappointed and defeated.

I can't just be honest because my actual story sounds like made-up bullshit that workers within the various systems (hospitals, doctors, psych wards, jails) have been trained to systemically weed out and re-categorize 'properly'.