Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I tried to make an appt with my therapist, told her I'm suicidal.
She told me she could see me next week.
Next week.
I'm not sure I'll be alive tomorrow, let alone next week.
Guess I'm supposed to go to the ER instead of killing myself.
But I know what they will do at the hospital, and what they won't do.
And in the end I'd be sent right back to the hellish life that is causing me to want to die in the first place. I get my meds tweaked every 3-4 weeks without fail. But all the meds do is medicate me, the pills don't provide me with what I need to live.
And neither will the hospital. Neither will my therapist. So what's the point of putting it off any longer? I don't want to continue trying new meds. Especially knowing they won't help. Unless making me completely numb to my hellish existence is considered helping. But I haven't gotten to that point yet, my meds still allow me to feel the pain.
People give me all kinds of advice on things to do to try to find the care I need. No one understands why I'm not capable of doing some things. I'm sick and can not behave as tho I were healthy. Yet people seem to expect it of me anyway. They try to argue me into doing what they think is healthy, they can't understand why it's not possible for me. It's hard to be misunderstood, especially on these boards.
I despise my life and wish so badly it would end. I pray for death every night, and wake up in hell every morning. Some people who know me on DS have asked me why I haven't killed myself, if it's as bad as I say - then what am I waiting for...? I said I was still hoping for a miracle. But I feel that last shred of hope dying now. My therapist told me my needs were unrealistic and not likely to be met. I should believe her and give up. Every day is misery anyway.
She told me she could see me next week.
Next week.
I'm not sure I'll be alive tomorrow, let alone next week.
Guess I'm supposed to go to the ER instead of killing myself.
But I know what they will do at the hospital, and what they won't do.
And in the end I'd be sent right back to the hellish life that is causing me to want to die in the first place. I get my meds tweaked every 3-4 weeks without fail. But all the meds do is medicate me, the pills don't provide me with what I need to live.
And neither will the hospital. Neither will my therapist. So what's the point of putting it off any longer? I don't want to continue trying new meds. Especially knowing they won't help. Unless making me completely numb to my hellish existence is considered helping. But I haven't gotten to that point yet, my meds still allow me to feel the pain.
People give me all kinds of advice on things to do to try to find the care I need. No one understands why I'm not capable of doing some things. I'm sick and can not behave as tho I were healthy. Yet people seem to expect it of me anyway. They try to argue me into doing what they think is healthy, they can't understand why it's not possible for me. It's hard to be misunderstood, especially on these boards.
I despise my life and wish so badly it would end. I pray for death every night, and wake up in hell every morning. Some people who know me on DS have asked me why I haven't killed myself, if it's as bad as I say - then what am I waiting for...? I said I was still hoping for a miracle. But I feel that last shred of hope dying now. My therapist told me my needs were unrealistic and not likely to be met. I should believe her and give up. Every day is misery anyway.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
SPOILER ALERT!!!:
It is amusing that some off my tdocs have asked me to sign contracts promising not to take my life. I laugh and tell them "What will you do if I kill myself, sue me?" Then I kid them asking them to go to my funeral and they always say they won't because it would be a sign that they failed. Bummer.
Each and every visit they ask me if I have thoughts of killing myself and I tell them the same thing over and over, "It is always in the back of my mind as a last resort.' 'Once I feel against a wall with no way out then I will go through with it.'"
But then I tell them I am a coward, because I do not wish to feel pain. I tell them I do research on the 'Net about painless ways to kill myself. Tlhe old standard, in the garage with the gate closed and the car running no longer works, as new cars do not emit lethal gas.
But one thing I am serious about. I will not live the next 20 years of my life under these living conditions. Would rather die first.
In the meantime I have my friends in DS willing to read my babble.
SPOILER ALERT!!!:
Just do like I do. I just tell the pdoc and tdoc that I keep 'the final solution' always in my back pocket in case I need it some day. That adds a bit of humor to the session and you know you are not talking crap, because it is true you can always use it when you need it.
But like I said previously, if and when I do it it will be totally painless and no mess whatsoever, so that cuts the means down to just a very few. Even dead I don't want anyone picking up my pieces off the floor or have to call in Servpro to clean up the mess. And newer cars do not produce the necessary carbon monoxide, either.
I always wondered why when they execute someone in a prison they inject three different chemicals. Why isn't there just a single formula? Just wondering.
Meanwhile, everything's cool. Can't promise about tomorrow, but today I'm fine, just manic, but in a good way.
SPOILER ALERT!!!:
Just do like I do. I just tell the pdoc and tdoc that I keep 'the final solution' always in my back pocket in case I need it some day. That adds a bit of humor to the session and you know you are not talking crap, because it is true you can always use it when you need it.
But like I said previously, if and when I do it it will be totally painless and no mess whatsoever, so that cuts the means down to just a very few. Even dead I don't want anyone picking up my pieces off the floor or have to call in Servpro to clean up the mess. And newer cars do not produce the necessary carbon monoxide, either.
I always wondered why when they execute someone in a prison they inject three different chemicals. Why isn't there just a single formula? Just wondering.
Meanwhile, everything's cool. Can't promise about tomorrow, but today I'm fine, just manic, but in a good way.
this response. I also, have had it!!!!! life is a nightmare, how do you tell someone that, and have them understand.
It as if we are playing an old record, and the record player, is some where in the house but we do not know where it is or how to find it.
I need to go. to the hospital. The acute hospitals here in Orlando are horrific, no groups, and verbally abusive techs.
They also messed up my medication, I ended getting out worse.
That is it for me, and hospitals in this backward city.
I plan on going to sheppared pratt up north, that is how desperate
I am.
Can I ask, how is the hospital were you reside? if you feel some comfort go, we must survive even through we are suffering.
Your therpist sounds cold and detached, can you get another one.
Do you have family or friends you can stay with
I know you are suffering, know you have someone out there me who understands, and is there.
Please contact me anytime.
There have been suicides on both my mom's and dad's side of the family, including my own father.
One of the few things that has kept me going is not wanting to leave all of the wreckage, the anger, the sadness, guilt and shame that survivors have to try and live with.
We might not realize how our deaths might affect others who are struggling with the same sort of feelings, people we are acquainted with or not.
I hope for the best for you, heretic.
I am sorry I have annoyed you. I don't know what to say anymore.
Today I got up withthe thoughts of how the day was going to go. Right before I walked out the door it hit me. I can't leave the house and I can't stay home. I wanted to die I still do. The only thing that is keeping me alive right now is curiousity of what tomorrow might bring. That's it curiousity.
Get curious.
Just wanted to say hi and check and see how you are doing since this post is from yesterday. How did your appointment go?
It sounds like you are really in a terrible place in your life and that must feel awful. I know the panic that can come when your life has just been twisted into a knot and you cannot see any way to untie it.
You so deserve better treatment than you are getting right now. Theres a lot of shit doctors and shit therapists out there. Sometimes it can seem like climbing a mountain without being able to see any sign of a peak dealing with crappy care and trying to fight for yourself and find the treatment you need to function.
I would encourage you to keep looking for a different doctor. Definitely a different therapist as this one doesnt seem to be on the ball at all.
When I have been suicidal in the past it always seems like no one around you understands and everyone is an idiot. And a lot of the people you are encountering trying to fight for yourself probably are stupid. I remember calling a suicide hotline one time and got put on hold forever and I eventually just calmed myself down. Then another time this lady just told me to have a cup of tea like THAT'S what I was missing in my life. People who havent been in a suicidal place or dont remember what it was like really just dont get it.
I understand how you are tired and dont feel that you have the strength to go through a whole therapist/pdoc hunt right now. I think you could really benefit from going into the hospital. At the very least, you can rest and your treatment team there can do the hunting for you. Plus you can have access to the doctor to really try and get your meds right at least to a point where you can function.
I sincerely hope you begin to feel better.
Just try to remember that you are not alone, even if sometimes you may feel like no one understands.
-TS
Take into account the curent mental condition of Heretic, which is very fragile and vulnerable.
Even we BPs often forget in a site such as DS that everyone else is also BP and therefore walking on a thin, high wire. We complain about those on the outside, the 'normies' not understanding us, when we often, without intention act the same way.
We have to be careful as to how we address everyone else, most specially those obviously calling out for help.