Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I tried to make an appt with my therapist, told her I'm suicidal.
She told me she could see me next week.
Next week.
I'm not sure I'll be alive tomorrow, let alone next week.
Guess I'm supposed to go to the ER instead of killing myself.
But I know what they will do at the hospital, and what they won't do.
And in the end I'd be sent right back to the hellish life that is causing me to want to die in the first place. I get my meds tweaked every 3-4 weeks without fail. But all the meds do is medicate me, the pills don't provide me with what I need to live.
And neither will the hospital. Neither will my therapist. So what's the point of putting it off any longer? I don't want to continue trying new meds. Especially knowing they won't help. Unless making me completely numb to my hellish existence is considered helping. But I haven't gotten to that point yet, my meds still allow me to feel the pain.
People give me all kinds of advice on things to do to try to find the care I need. No one understands why I'm not capable of doing some things. I'm sick and can not behave as tho I were healthy. Yet people seem to expect it of me anyway. They try to argue me into doing what they think is healthy, they can't understand why it's not possible for me. It's hard to be misunderstood, especially on these boards.
I despise my life and wish so badly it would end. I pray for death every night, and wake up in hell every morning. Some people who know me on DS have asked me why I haven't killed myself, if it's as bad as I say - then what am I waiting for...? I said I was still hoping for a miracle. But I feel that last shred of hope dying now. My therapist told me my needs were unrealistic and not likely to be met. I should believe her and give up. Every day is misery anyway.
She told me she could see me next week.
Next week.
I'm not sure I'll be alive tomorrow, let alone next week.
Guess I'm supposed to go to the ER instead of killing myself.
But I know what they will do at the hospital, and what they won't do.
And in the end I'd be sent right back to the hellish life that is causing me to want to die in the first place. I get my meds tweaked every 3-4 weeks without fail. But all the meds do is medicate me, the pills don't provide me with what I need to live.
And neither will the hospital. Neither will my therapist. So what's the point of putting it off any longer? I don't want to continue trying new meds. Especially knowing they won't help. Unless making me completely numb to my hellish existence is considered helping. But I haven't gotten to that point yet, my meds still allow me to feel the pain.
People give me all kinds of advice on things to do to try to find the care I need. No one understands why I'm not capable of doing some things. I'm sick and can not behave as tho I were healthy. Yet people seem to expect it of me anyway. They try to argue me into doing what they think is healthy, they can't understand why it's not possible for me. It's hard to be misunderstood, especially on these boards.
I despise my life and wish so badly it would end. I pray for death every night, and wake up in hell every morning. Some people who know me on DS have asked me why I haven't killed myself, if it's as bad as I say - then what am I waiting for...? I said I was still hoping for a miracle. But I feel that last shred of hope dying now. My therapist told me my needs were unrealistic and not likely to be met. I should believe her and give up. Every day is misery anyway.
(((HUGE hugs)))
Hang in there sweetie !
It took me 7 long ugly years to find a med combo that sorta kinda works .
People give advise , not realizing that sometimes we are just too over whelmed to even think straight.
I understand this !!!!
I got so much damned useless advice when I was in that BAD place...BUT..eventually you can find some inner peace
PLEASE , keep trying !
(((((((big hugs))))))))
If you are suicidal, go to the hospital. I know you said you know what will happen and that isn't what you need, but if it is what keeps you here another day that is the best plan. Please seek out help.
((Big Hugs))
I completely understand the wanting to give up and not try thing; I was like that over the holidays. I was sick and fucking tired of dealing with med changes. I felt self-destructive and self-hating.
So that's sort of what I'm hearing here. (maybe I'm projecting a little)
But you can at least congratulate yourself for taking steps; you got a therapist. This is good. Unfortunately, I can't believe she didn't refer you to a crisis counselor. God some pros really disappoint, don't they?
Please at least stay with us and continue talking it out. Sometimes all you can do is vent until the crap passes; I also understand that even depression aside, you're unhappy with your life in general. I was there, too. But for some reason, I snapped out of it; maybe that's rapid cycling talking. I don't know; I don't have any magic solution other than to remember that in a depression everything looks hopeless and you will be overwhelmed with despair. It's not the right time to evaluate your life; you will get too hopeless.
Try to take things moment by moment and pamper yourself and try to feel better in the here and now and then you might get more strength to tackle the larger issues. Unfortunately, results take a lot slower than we want them to.
But if you can hang in there, I think you will get to a point where you can make some changes. Right now you just need to be very kind to yourself. And DO NOT give up because you were disappointed by your therapist; I don't know what you told her, but you can always work on your goals and get a different therapist. At the very least, you can use us a sounding board for how realistic your goals are. Sometimes we want to change everything at once and that will only frustrate us. It's good to have goals but it's another to set yourself up for failure.
Please keep trying; we care about you and we've been there; we've all wanted to give up at one time or another. I don't want to minimize your problems or frustrations, just that if you keep communicating with us, I think we can help you through this.
Big hugs xxxx
Just a try!
They also have psychologists on staff for such emergency.
Also, on a side note- do you have a pet? They can be wonderful little sources of unconditional love and happiness and it sounds like you really need that right now. If you don't have one, I would consider buying one. They can be real day brighteners and very therapeutic.
Anyway, I'll get through tonight somehow, thanks again to everyone
being misunderstood is never easy.