Take comment one to heart. And pls catch up on my journals. I think it might be helpful for you to take a look at what I have been going through and how I coped.

Heretic, my heart aches for you when you express some pain. I have been where you are as many of us have. We do understand your pain, lonliness, anger, frustration, etc.

Gina has very good advice and some of what she says is the only way I have gotten through some of these emotions. It is difficult to know if we are "cycling" or "spiraling" and to me there is a difference. If you are cycling, you need to talk to your doc about your meds. If you are spiraling, it is time to stop yourself in this vicious cycle and rationalize that there are answers and actions that can help you through this.

Finding those solutions, coping skills takes time and is something to work on when you are stable so you can more effectively use them when you feel like this. I am NOT saying that you wont have ugly days but you do not have to feel hopeless.

You are amazing and you have been there so many times for others on the board. It is time for you to love yourself, give yourself a break, and find the coping skills that can enhance the unique abilities you have.

Please know we are here for you and you can share your pain with us, because we definately understand. ((((Hugs))))

Huge hug of comfort for you... I have to agree with Gina to Heretic... therapy could help you change this thinking... Im not sure if that's available for you....but it's helped me a lot.. Im starting it again..
A caregiver is much different then a partner.. one can become the other.. then it becomes a co dependent or dependent relationship..
I hope you'll call your doc or go to emerg if you need to...
You are taking care of you...unless a relationship is really good it's much better being on your own... there can be a whole lot of weeds on the other side of the street... just a personal reflection thrown in... Big hug and a blessing for you..xo

Do you believe you have a purpose. Do you assume your pain is wrong what if you were depressed because this world is really getting insane. What you also are feeling are genuine chemical embalances. One thing I have for these kind of suicidal days is an anti anxiety. Something you don't use everyday but for the days when you are simply suffering too much and imagining ending your life. I do it all the time.

I don't agree with everyone about having to make ourselves happy...i think we don't need to live alone when we are fragile and not having a support group where you can go and cry your fucking eyes out and let it go, you will have to fight a sinister thing.

What if....really what if...that life worked like a plant per se. Plants are things and people who love them and tend to them talk to them they see nature and us are connected. and that there are two voices in your head and an observer or force or omnipotent being watching us the whole time..we have to use a bit of meds but not so much that we become gray and dull. it is a very hard cocktail to find, but stillness or guided meditation sometimes helps us stop thinking about everything that is wrong. What if scientist discovered that some people could use a larger percentage of their brain and that part of the brain is the creator. Or our perspective. I hate positive thinging all the time because sometimes we just need some to recognize and listen no advise. But what if scientifically we found out that thought really are THINGS. The more energy you put into something is what you get back. Not because you are being punished because you are not listening to the still soft voice that i see in your posts. You desire some joy again. And having a loving partner supporting and understanding you is perfectly fine. And I guess apply this thinking you need to to this thing like "fake it until you make it>" For example, the big voice is about suffering. that is loud and powerful it is also ego and likes control. it does not want you to see the things you are grateful for. that still voice wants you to experiment just for a day or two and think the opposite way of how you react to depression. I believe we attract things to us. People who dont' know how to handle conflict often are easily angered and hate people. The world needs to change its perspective and right now since you do no have a partner, one thing you could do is imagine if a Genie came out of a bottle and said you have one wish day, what kind of man would you imagine would be perfect for you. Allow yourself to escape into fantasy. See it happening. Accept that it's already on it's way but this road you are on makes you stronger everyday that you DONT kill yourself. It's like not finishing a film. We give up because we dont' have the brain capacity to know that there is something unexplainable out there and if we set intentions and believe it has already happened even if i has not, it will come to you.

Like putting a wish inside a pink balloon and letting it go. The intention is still there but you can't be too attached to the outcome because sometimes we get way more than we wished for.

I don't know if I'm making sense. But here is an exercise.

Write down all the things that you want to go away. Make a wish
Write down the dreams you have had in your life and what you want? make a wish

I always understand this concept better than when I'm in the middle of a full blown crying attack. I also get very gray and have no joy at all like you described. I think we really do make our lives. Our illness is not always bad. Many artists, great writers and actors live with this. Carrie Fisher was once asked if she could wish her manic depression away she would say no. She said I would not be me. Interesting.

In the movie of your life you are in the dark night of the soul. So maybe you can see yourself as a child that you need to take care of. One thing I was once told to do was look at your self in the mirror and in your mind sing that song. "you are so beautiful to me" It's quite hard to do at first but YOU ARE IN THERE. That little voice that says nothing changes if nothing changes, weil it's not our fault it's harder to hear but with a faith in something and a willingess to experiment do and say the OPPOSITE of what you normally say and do. Then you grow that voice and something magical happens. LIttle things will come up during the day that lead you as if down a better and prettier path. Life is about suffering..my god it's everywhere..but we are all connected and if we all have fear and grayness and lack of joy due to all kinds of reasons...then it's like a big net over the earth. you have a long antenna that connects to this. Imagine one of your wishes is that you can tune into a different frequency and pick up waves of hope ..there are people out there who i have seen change their lives by literally going out and helping the most helpless of all. Forgeting ourselves even for an hour, think about how grateful you are that you have this strength. There is a purpose in your pain. Change happens all the time.

"It's an art to live with pain, make the light into gray" Eddie Vedder

One other thing..search you tube for Shirley Maclaine's chakra balancing videos. They are guided meditations with a very cool graphic and her voice is calming. She does each chakra and those seven engery centers in our body get blocked. They all have different colors and represent different emotions. Like you heart chakra, it is green. When I see my son I feel joy and I always twirl a bit of green light out of my chest into his ...it's a very liberating feeling. I used those tapes for years. Everyday just like going to the bathroom. Learn how to sooth yourself and don't worry about the things that are going wrong, try to stay the present and see if there is anything at all you are grateful for. Focus on that.

I'm rambling again..I do hope you find those videos. And give them a try. There is one chakra that controls all your emotionality. Every time I would focus on that yellow place in my belly i would cry out the ugly and negative and bring in the truth of who you really are. You were born knowing there is a way to God or change and some people are just not open. So the never get the message.

But always always reach out to people. because if we all believe your dreams for you we could make a web around the earth that is more full of love than hate.

Perspective shift. Much love and i know you have a purpose. You can do anything your intentions on. A power you didn't know you had and have been unwittingly continuing the suffering just by wallowing in it. If you stay in the moment. Not in the past or the future. The NOW. This is a gap a stillness where you remember you were born for a reason. I am connected to you too. If you die or give up, then what if the horrible truth is that our energy goes on and on suffering because it just can't believe that we are making our own movie.

lIfe is a movie, maybe you need that genie in the bottle. just make him up and wish away. watch it come when you least expect it. God this was long and i'm too chatty.

Hope you open up to some of what i say And DON'T GO TO HOSPITALS, YOU KNOW THAT GOING THERE CAN BE MORE HORRIBLE THAN TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF. Modern medicine is in the dark ages when it comes to brain disease. They are stupid. They always give pills instead of helping us see the good and making us feel good about ourselves and quit automatically put pills down our throat just because we are sad. We dont' need those pills. We believe in the unbelievable. :)

heretic

Forgive me if I repeat anything that was said before me. But what you feel (the anger, hatred, disappointment), all of it, is human emotion at it's rawest. Everyone on this earth is blessed with it. Us in the Bipolar community, however, share the over abundance of them. And, like you, many of us get pushed to that brink by less provocation as the average citizen. It's up to you, though, to find your vent and use it. All of this emotion should be put in a song or painting or poetry or even just out into the ether, as in the form of another rant as on what makes you feel the way you do.

You are my sister in malady, so I absolutely know you have something you love to do. So no matter what it is, do it. Literally do it to exhaustion. to collapse. I don't type these words with sympathy. I do so with empathy in it;s entirety. I have been on the verge of taking that final step, crossing that only line that matters, a great many times. And many of them have been with the people of this Support group holding my hand and offering me there support.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71Ymmc2gh0M&feature=channel_video_title
Listen to the above song as MY attempt at support, and in the meantime, keep talking to these wonderful people.

I, too, suffer rage. I believe it so consumes me that I remind the world that "love" is a four-letter word. When I am raging, it spews from my mouth like the most vile substance on Earth. I have been blessed with someone who takes the best possible care of me. His name isnae safe in my mouth when I am raging.

In my program, I address the rage first and separately.

I need love and I deserve love.
Nothing anyone says is going to change those two facts.
The trick is how to not suffer so much without what I need.
Most days I wish I was a zombie or dead. I HATE my life.

just curious what medication do u take if any. i ask because i believe and have experienced this zombie dead feeling with no joy and no color as a side effect of certain mood stabilizers or long term use of anti depressants that fucking take all the color away.

i have a feeling there are many toxic drugs out there that are being given to us by sales people and shrinks who get money from it. if the fucking side effects are worse than the thing you are treating that is insane.

i think also you are loved. i love you. even when you can't love youreself. but this feeling might be from poisonous shit they throw down our throats. just a thought.

....sometimes the meds are what takes away our joy. I don't believe in medications where the side effects let you feel nothing. no joy. no gratefulness ...there are a lot of toxic drugs out there that down the road may be worse than the original condition you are treating.

I believe some meds can help but i have been given redundant amounts of mood stabilizers that totally took everything away. I was just sleeping and walking flesh. i hate that everyone says take a pill!

just sayin...

Hello Heretic, so sorry you are feeling this way.

Have you any thoughts on how to get yourself out of this negative spiral? You know that staying stuck in your rage and anger will not bring you love.

I've seen lots of people make suggestions of activities you can do to try change your mindset. Have you had any success with any? Did you want me to make some more suggestions? Or just validate your pain.

Life isn't fair, life hurts, none of us have what we need, none of us here are happy and fulfilled or we wouldn't be here on the boards.

You told me once you had purchased items to take your life - do you have any plans you want to tell us about? Do you want us to talk you out of it?

For what its worth, I will send you some love and hugs.

I'm so sorry you feel that way, Heretic. Do you have a therapist? That's really your go-to person for care. Friends and lovers can only do so much, and it's hard to attract someone if you want to be taken care of. I hate to be blunt, but most people don't want that from the get-go. It's one thing if you fall in love and have hard times, but if you go into it looking for a care-giver, I think you will scare many people away. Sorry to say it, just my two cents.

Unfortunately, we are all alone ultimately. That's where the professional comes in to help you restore your sense of power, self-esteem and motivation.

big hugs!

How are you doing today heretic?

Hey zsa, I went and got a therapist this week, only been once so far. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks everybody for caring

Glad to hear you got a therapist, I hope they are nice to you. Let us know how you get on, we care.

Heretic
Here am I hoping your therapist and you are a good match. That is your therapist can help you and you feel comfortable, can relate, express your feelings to him/her.
I am glad you're doing something about your situation, feelings. I care too, Heretic. From reading what you wrote I get the impression it won't be easy but as the old Chinese saying the longest journey begins with a single step. I am happy you made that step.