Sometimes it's all we can do to keep our head above water and there is no room for others. It's not selfish, it's a disease. That's good that you are trying to pick up the house. I know it's difficult. One room at a time Sweetie.

Glad you can vent here. Do you feel better after you purge it here. I hope tomorrow will be better. Just do little things at a time and rest. Try that tomorrow.

I do generally feel a bit better after I talk about it, but as swings go I have to ride it out until it's over. Today turned out alright though. I made a good dinner and even a cake. lol I dreaded going to the grocery store, but had a nice manager carry out my bags...he was just pleasant all around. It's little things that help nudge the negative train off the tracks for a bit. I rapid cycle and cannot afford a doctor atm. Our local psych office used to help people get free meds (lots of sample packs), but now it's near impossible. I was out a car last year and couldn't get to the office so now I'm off the list. He's no longer taking patients as he is full, and we can't afford medical insurance. I joined this support group because it helps a lot talking to people like me. As for the rapid cycling...at this moment I am fairly happy. lol It's silly how fast moods can change. Hopefully it lasts through the night. :) Thank you

Yup, "It's little things that help nudge the negative train off the tracks for a bit." Dealing with this roller coaster ride got allot easier for me after I gained proficiency with paying more attention to those little things than the BIG THINGS. Instead of worrying about CLEANING THE HOUSE, I just do this and that as the mood strikes. Instead of BEING A GOOD MOM, I just interact with the kids as befits the moment. As Mother Teresa put it, "If you want to change the world, just do what is in front of you."

But that is me. . . In between the bouts of self-loathing, and wishing I could be anybody but me, of course.

I love that! I still have issues paying attention to little things most of the time and the big things overwhelm me a lot. I'll get there one day.

I agree with arfie, try to do the little things one step at a time and screw your husbands disdain. does he not get that you are sick? would he treat you like that if you had any other illness. you have nothing to be ashamed about. it sounds to me like you are doing the best you can and more. play with your kids and enjoy them and don't worry too much about housework, it will still be there tomorrow when you get round to it and if hubby objects tell him to do it! just because you're the caregiver for the kids doesn't mean you have to do all the housework. that should be shared. you deserve to be treated well and he should be there for you no matter what. keep posting so that we know how you are getting on. it sucks that you can't get meds. is there medicaid in your area? My sister gets her meds on a very low co-pay - she's in sandiego. good luck with it and we are all behind you. hugs

I don't think you are selfish at all. When this illness is upon us we are often lucky to get out of bed each morning. If you can't clean the house then he needs to be understanding about the state of mind you are in. I know when my children were teenagers they suffered a great deal when I got severly depressed. But all I could do was feed and clothe them and try to go to their after school activities but my house was not always clean or my laundry done and we survived. You deserve your husband's support during these times and I wouldn't worry too much about his disdain for you. Like irish said, if you had any other illness he would have to help you and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I am glad you could vent here and hope things get better for you soon. Big Hugs!!

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to me that I'm not the only one. I know, of course, how many people in the world deal with mental illness, but some days it still feels like I'm alone. I'm sure that's the case for everyone else too sadly. This week has been pretty great. With my daughter starting kindergarten I've got some semblance of a routine now. That by itself has, for some reason, helped me break through some of the fog. My house looks pretty darn good right now. lol My husband isn't always upset about these things...just sometimes he gets upset because I'm sure it's almost just as hard living with a bipolar spouse as it is living with bipolar. I also think he has some things (like depression and anxiety) he needs to address with a psych, but the issue is still the same...not enough money to pay the fees. Medicaid in Missouri is only available for children, elderly, pregnant women and disabled. Missouri's mental health research and funding leaves something to be desired.