I don't think she dies thinking you didn't care. I think her husband was just trying to make you feel bad. Why else would he have mentioned it? I think she knew you loved her afterall she was your sister.

Quit beating yourself up Wolf. You have berated yourself long enough. It's time to move on and let it go. Just my humble opinion.

we can get really worked up- and over-dramatize things on the holidays, what i am saying is.. it was just a Christmas, i know she is in spirit

she has got to have known through other things besides that one last fateful night


that you love her.


she knows this,
you love her.

the more you feel the love you have the stronger the connection will feel and you can feel her- while you are yourself,.. out in nature and in a safe space where your heart can open

but the pain and shame are blocking you

from having
full experience with her
now

I am crazy enough to believe you can still talk to her, be it her spirit or the piece of her that still lives within you. Your meditation skills can help you if you care to try it...

So or no, anniversaries are tough. May a healing touch find you.

I truly do not believe that your sister would still be angry.

What ever after life you believe in , you must know it is filled with Love and Peace , not resentment and sadness.

Sending hugs
dd

What hurts the most is never having a chance to make up for the pain I caused her, to never get the chance to say I'm sorry.

Of course that still hurts.

You wouldn't be human, if you didn't have these feelings.

But time and self awareness, that you didn't do anything intensional to hurt your sister....give yourself a chance to really grieve, and then tell her how sorry you re, and how much you love her.

Maybe write her a letter , fold it up, and keep it someplace special to you ?

Wiccan I did something very similar, to my best friend in this life~ my Grandfather.


i hate to think about it. he made a door, its in the basement i live in. it's the same door that was there in the cabin he had when he took his life- i had had a last dinner with him, and i remember not being entirely myself with him, because i was a young kid in the awkward phase of becoming an adult, and my family was having 'difficulty' with him, he was declining and there was a disagreement about something. well i was FULL for the meal, i didn't take it seriously- it was the last time i saw him. he even called me several times or more to try to get in touch and i didn't answer because of what was happening with the family.

i can never live that down,
its always going to be with me.
it's really really hard, and i wasn't going to say anything~ but he means and meant the world to me.

i mean, the WORLD... the Universe! no lie


he was and remains my world in countless ways. the love we shared can't be confused with such a confusing and strange ending. he knew i loved him and KNOWS I love him~
i have had incredible inner experience with him since his passing, and i continue to feel him with me always.

i love him dearly, as i love his wife who is my grandmother, she is 95. i'm in a hard place, again..
but they are always going to be with me.
the three of us are like peas in a pod-
never separate.

i allow him to go where he needs to be and i to where mine is. my lesson. my current lessons.. but things are inextricably tied, and i will never be separated

they are simply so close on the tree o f l i f e, that there is no feasible way.
we are united.
i feel them with me wherever i go, and i feel them closely and warmly as if they are right there with me.

i have to forgive myself.


we shall meet again
and he is always
with me

Your sister loved you, that is why she was angry..... she would be upset your using her memory to be depressed. I'm sure she hated your MI, and wanted the best for you, including love, hope and smiles...... stability, a wife, a family... she did not want you alone, suffering. No sister wants that, nor would she appreciate your misery in her honor...

She loved you so much, that she would HATE your punishing yourself with pain, instead of smiling at her life and love! It's a woman thing, your woman is Right - its time to let the pain go.

To plan a depression, worry about its coming and give in like its destiny - not good. You do have a choice... I think in DBT, they say something like that Memory or time - does not define who you are or your life, it was ONE Choice, sad and wrong - but to give a bad choices, years or extra power....... something like that, I've never taken DBT! I think you have.... am I close? You are not the same person, then that 5 minutes years ago?

I just know, they say - yesterday has nothing to do with today, you are a new man, a better person - you have a choices to focus on your sisters life, she would want you to smile and LOVE her, not cry and be depressed.... . I think its the same with meditation, your suppose to accept you did that then, and would not do it now.....

Not only are you punishing yourself, but your effecting the home and everyone in it - to me, FIGHT and do something Different this year - a new year.... honor your sister, by enjoying your family and your progress and growth in life......

Your sister loved you - Enough already. : ) Just my thoughts on the subject - confusing and harsh as they probably sound
((((BIG HUG)))))

You don't have to get depressed this year - or many a couple days, versus months??????

I can empathize with you, Wiccan, as something similar happened between me and my father. We had a strained relationship at best, and were estranged for the last 10 years of his life, until he committed suicide.

I felt guilt everyday for years, but realize that he was a beeper too.

I have made my peace by remembering him during special occassions, holidays and what not. I also make sure during the nice weather, I visit where his cremains are buried and place his favorite flowers there.

I have also had some strange coincidences lately, which makes me think he is still with us.

That being said, I do not think your sister would still be angry with you. You need to forgive yourself so you can move on, or this will eat you alive!!

Peace to you, my friend!

wiccan, I don't it matters how a person believes, I think it is in the heart, your sister knew how much you love her, you know how much you love her. You have great memories, I am certain, wonderful memories to cherish forever. I am not sure how you talk to one's that have passed my dear, or how you connect, but she knows.

We and our daughter's son will write a letter, tie it to a balloon and then to a tree or a helium balloon, we pray and let the helium balloon go or tie it to the tree, when the balloon pops we take our letters and put them in our treasure box.

No I don't believe your sister wants you to keep punishing yourself either. That is not at all what she wants. Hugs

Your sister would not want you to be expending valuable energy on this.
She'd more than likely want you to put your energy into your own life and relationship.
You can always fall for the trap of looking back and trip up because you ain't facing forwards.

Don't look back

Thank you for your responses, not sure what else to say right now, you all have given me much to think about.

Again thank you

The Wolf