I am on a wicked combo of anti-psychs, mood stabilizers, and others. If it helps people, I will list them, but it is a lengthy list. My pdoc is trying to drop some of them a little at a time, but we haven't done that in a while because things have been a little unstable. Anyway, enough background.

I last saw my pdoc at the beginning of June and honestly, some symptoms had already started, but they have gotten so much worse. I am very restless and squirmy. I can't just relax. Rare and mild paranoia has been an issue. Maybe 2 or 3 times and I knew right away that my brain had fritzed out, but it bothered me. I'm likely mixed right now as my anxiety is out of control, and I am irritable as well. I don't speak quickly all of the time, but when it does happen, it is hard to stop the onslaught of words.

My pdoc is ridiculously hard to get to but really good once i can. There are just like three gatekeepers in the way. My case manager sent her a consult at the end of last week, and another one today. I also went to er today because I was worried possibly my lithium levels were off (couldn't see any other dr) and they were fine however the hosp social worker was trying to pull strings to get me in to my pdoc as well.

This squirming restless weird feeling with the anxiety is going to put me in the hosp before my next pdoc appointment on August 4th. It's kind of unlivable long term. I'm def not suicidal today, I'm just worried I am going to slip to the dark side one of these days.

So if u have made it this far: do you think I should camp out at my pdoc's office on Tuesday (next day she is in office after tomorrow) if I don't hear anything tomorrow? It's a community mental health office so it kinda helps to sit there, and then they kind of ignore u too. I don't want to be a huge pain but I don't mind being a squeaky wheel.

Thank you for reading this novel!