That is very scary that you are thinking so much of dying. You don't sound like you are stable.

Sounds like you might need to call your pdoc or tdoc if you have one. You need to bring your stress level down. You are in overload. Try to stay in the present moment. Not in the future or the past that is where the anxiety manifests itself. If you can't bring yourself back to a managable level, go to the nearest ER. It only takes one moment to screw your or someone elses life up by killing yourself. Please think twice about that.

I, for one, am glad you are confiding in strangers. I suspect you do it the same reason I do, because deep down we all need someone to care and understand.

Please, really do think twice. I know what you mean about wanting it to end. Times I have been there, I have to take a step back and look at what I have to live for. Yeah that sounds like bs I know, but really, seriously. Please. Lyrics come to mind...do you listen to music much? I don't know how you are but I know that just certain songs help. I'm one giant cornball tonight, everything's coming out sounding hokey. grr. I almost lost my sister to her own hand twice (only to lose her this March because her "boyfriend" decided he could hit her but that is another story and another group). Point being, see the pdoc, Look everywhere in your heart, mind, bedroom, car, wherever for *something* that will help you focus. Please don't hesitate to email me, though I am a stranger, I'm a corny one, I'm also caring and goofy and understanding.

I've tried suicide two times...nothing happened. I just have more marks to deal with.

Take control of your life and make it better.

Don't kill yourself. Go to the doctor and ask him to give you an anti-depressant with a mood stabilizer.

With anti-depressant you won't feel like killing yourself and with mood stabilizer with lower your mania.

I'm doing the same. I'm happy. If I don't do the same I'll end up like you.

I had an old high school friend that I kept up with for years and then I got that one call from a friend who knew him. He was bipolar and had killed himself right before Christmas. The story goes, his dad had let him know how he felt about him... negatively. I miss him. I wish he hadn't. I almost feel like if he would have held on a bit longer, it would have passed and he would still be here. He was such an interesting guy. I liked him and never thought through all of his struggles, that was an option. You know, I was just one, far away, friend that he left a huge mark on. I can never pick up the phone again and surprise him with my voice and say how the hell have you been? Nope never. This really does fuck with me. He was loved, by many. I am sure you are also. No reason to feel bad or guilty. You are OK. you may not feel it, but you are. No matter how many times I think of this idea myself, I feel guilty. It's like opening Pandora's box of BS... I feel like shit, I think like shit, then I feel like shit for thinking like shit. Whatever you need to do to get help DO. There may be someone out there itching to say "How the hell have you been?" and they would listen intently, no matter what you said back.