about a year and a half ago, i had a psychotic break down when i came home to my father's house after a night of drinking
keep in mind, i'm only 20 years old (drinking age is 19 in canada) and bipolar + drinking does not work for me (as i know now)

my friends had helped me come home because i was too drunk. my dad thanked them, i went upstairs and started to get ready for bed. but suddenly, i decided i wanted to go back out and started demanding my dad let me leave the house. (this sort of thing was really common back when i used to drink)
he refused (obviously) and i turned violent... i scratched his face, tore at his neck with my nails, i tore his glasses off his face and snapped them in half all while he blocked the door from him letting me go

suddenly, i thought he was going to rape me. in my mind, i genuinely thought my dad (who is probably my family member i am the CLOSEST with, an unbreakable bond of friendship and love), my amazing father had raped me when i was a child and began screaming at him in our sun room

my dad tried to put me in his car to drive me to my moms house because i was uncontrollable, screaming, clawing and hitting him
as he started the car, i ran out of the car and my dad had to tackle me on the lawn as i continued punching him in the face

my neighbours heard me screaming and called the police who arrived and questioned me and my dad about what was going on
at some point, a friend of mine drove past and heard/saw the whole thing as i told him my dad was abusive
my mom and sister eventually came and picked me up and took me home.. the next day, my mom showed me a voicemail my dad had left her and i could hear myself screaming in the background like i've never heard anyone scream before and it truly haunts me that i could be like that..

the next day was easily the worst day of my life... waking up and remembering instantly what had happened was horrible
my dad came over and told me he forgave me for what happened and was just so worried about me...
now my neighbours (although im not sure they believe that my dad is a rapist or not) hate my family and think we're batshit crazy. it's caused numerous fights and conflicts between my father and this family

i had to tell my friend my dad never raped me but i dont think he believes me either... and i think he may have told the rest of my friends about what happened even though i begged him not to but i'll never know

the police called me for a couple of follow up questions, asking me if my dad had ever raped me, etc. which was very upsetting and i could tell by their tone they didnt believe me either

i have ruined my fathers reputation in our neighbourhood which he has lived for decades
however our relationship is stronger than ever and has completely been rebuilt since the incident but i constantly feel this overwhelming guilt that i can't believe i did that to my amazing father...
he forgives me completely but sometimes just remembering seeing him come over the next day with marks all over his face and neck and his broken glasses is almost too much
it terrifies me that i can turn into that sort of person and that i am constantly living in my own personal hell.. its so difficult to keep going

if you read all of that, thank you. just had to get that off my chest. am really struggling right now with the guilt from the incident and the pain of being alive
hugs