I have these dark thoughts especially when I'm very depressed.  The thoughts are why don't I get to die when so many of all ages do.  I feel bad for these people and wish I could trade places with them.  I know not everyone here subscrides to the same faith.  I think maybe God doesn't want me in the afterlife because I'm bothersome or something.  Sometimes I don't understand why so many have been shot, been in an accident, were very sick or some other tragedy and I remain here.  Surely God knows how much I'm suffering and want it to stop.  I pray all the time for others or myself.  I thank God for things.  I just don't understand why I'm kept here to suffer.

I'm not going to hurt myself.  I just sharing something I'm experiencing.