Rock bottom generally leads onre to put thier best foot forward. Sometimes people have to get really bad before they can start getting better. Im sorry I dont have better advice for you. God bless.

Change happens, when they realize what they are doing is wrong, and want to care enough to do something about it. That's when change truly happens

I saught treatment, but did not get diagnosed properly.
SO, as my uncontrollable anger raged on, I finally lost custody of my children.
A lot of it was because of the shame and pride in the family I grew up in - I was scared to death of psychologists, and terribly ashamed of my anger. And in denial about how bad it really was.
It took my son's death to really wake me up, and God, I was trying to get there first.

I know, but people, how to get there?

Obviously, losing weight is not going to cut it, that's a treat for him, not a problem.
We have not had sex in close to nine months. It seems he's suffering less than I am.

I had already asked him to move out for a week, just to get some rest from him - he refused. He said it wasn't convenient for him, he was busy at work. I honestly begin to think he's too stupid to be manipulated into getting better.

Next thing I can think of is separating our accounts, but that just doesn't make sense to me yet.

You should make your statements become I statements

I feel that you are being abusive to me when

I feel you are hurting my feelings when

I feel I am being offended when

I feel that because of this that you and I need therapy.

If he doesn't want to get therapy, and wants to continue to run you around in circles, then he doesn't want to change. He can only change if he sees that he is hurting you. If he sees where he is hurting you, and then either a) denies it, or b) ignores it when you present the problems visably in front of him, you should change your accounts.

Hope this helps

Or he's too smart to be manipulated into getting help.
You may have to meet him head on, and tell him straight you can't take it anymore, if he's not going to take responsibility for his own emotional well being, and therefore, yours.
You've got your own shit to deal with.
And if he complains about you not dealing with yours, maybe his help instead of his hinderance would make the difference.

Been there, done that, and put it in those words exactly. The last thing I told him was 'we need to outsource your mental health care'. lol He didn't object like he used to. ("You are the crazy one. You have your world of mental illness, and pills, and doctors and therapists, don't involve me into it.") It gives me some hope. I also told him I was going to ask him for a written contract that next time he gets depressed, he'll ask for help, and he didn't outright complain either. We used to have a verbal agreement, but he wasn't serious about it.

I'm just out of ideas. I was hoping going to a professional would help bring some ideas forward, but this guy was not interested, I guess.

Abuse is not a couples issue it is an individuals problem. It does not matter what you do or do not do no one has the right to hit you. Abuse normally only gets worse not better. Working with abused women is what I do. The best thing you could do for yourself is leave however, many women will not do that. Call the police every time he puts his hands on you. Sometimes jail does the trick. However the courts do not automatically send these men to jail. They often order mandatory batters treatment which is the only way he will ever see what he is doing his issue not yours. My ex finely killed his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. I think this was a way to get to her and me because of my line of work. Check in your area for a battered womens shelter they often offer free counseling to women like yourself. It does not matter if you decide to stay or leave him they will help you and you do not have to go into shelter to receive service from them. They often offer groups so you can meet with other women experiencing the same thing you are going through. Good luck I really do care.

You have been given advice from a professional (dladydi) which is a gift to you so I suggest you take it. My ex-husband even today won't admit he hit me, all he admits to is "raising his hands" I told him Christians did that kind of thing.

cb72, you are grasping at straws. The classic "abused woman" thinks they can fix the problem, that she can somehow MAKE her abuser see how much he is hurting her.

You can't, so stop. He WILL NOT STOP unless HE WANTS TO. I don't care if he is depressed or BP or psychotic. The responsibility lies with him.

And are you kidding me about the sex withholding and the weight loss?!? Do not change who you are! He has no right to abuse you no matter what your weight, the frequency of your sex or anything else.

Seriously hon, you need counselling, not him.

Hi folks, so just to clarify:

a) there has not been physical abuse yet. Only yelling, swearing, throwing things around the house, and the closest it got to physical abuse was him grabbing my daughter out of my arms, on about three different occasions. (BTW, is that something I can call the cops for?)

b) None of that is going on right now. And it's never been a problem before last year, when he was put under more stress than he could handle. (not that that's an excuse). Before that, the general pattern was of him being the nicest guy, treating me great, telling me only things that raise my self-esteem, not put me down... That's why we're together. But I think his depression got the better of him, and he's running me to the ground with it.

c) Even if we separated, we have a child together, and he's a very dedicated father (to the point of spoiling and being insane, that's what we argued about mostly), and, practically, I can't cut him out of my life. He never hit me, so we'd probably get shared custody, and I'd have to deal with him picking my daughter up, dropping her off... I'd deal with him about as much as I do now, just traumatize the child with the divorce.

d) I have no family in the US. My mom is leaving back for Europe in September. I can't take care of myself right now, let alone me and the kid without his help (and he does help A LOT with her). How would I cope by myself? What happens if and when lose my job? I know women have survived, but I thought that of having kids, and look at me now...

So it's really in my (not to mention my daughter's) best interest to get him into therapy. I know I need counseling. But insurance only covers so much. I'll get a new batch of visits next year. :P

The shelter will help you even if its only emotional. Keep in mind that one gets beaten down before they get beaten up. However Im not judging your chooses at all. I understand someone wanting to save their family. You just need to take care of yourself before worrying about him. You are not going to to get any help from the police unless it gets physical. However the emotional abuse can be worse then the physical. In the event the child gets hurt while he is grabbing her he will be charged with child abuse and you could face failure to protect charges so be careful. My ex use to take my daughter from me and tell me to go ahead and leave but when I went I would be going alone. Trust me at that time thats all it took to get me to stay. I would have never left my child belong. In the end that what I had to do however, he was always the good guy while I was the person that disciplined so when I finely left when she was 14 years old she choose to stay with him because all 14 yr. want to do what ever they want to do. She managed to get into a lot trouble but has turned out to be a good adult. However to this day she holds me responsible for what her father did in the end. Like I put the gun in his hand or something. Good luck.

It's precisely the child that makes me reconsider everything twice. He won't leave, and I feel unable to leave with her. I need to rent a bigger place than he would need, I need to get her to the baby-sitters, maybe start commuting to work... How will I cope?

What _I_ need is to go away on my own and let him handle the situation on his own. But if there is ever a custody issue later on, how can I say he's abusive, after I had left the child with him?

And I didn't think about the fact that it only gets worse with time.