Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I've been on meds for about 6 weeks now and was starting to feel better. I've been slowly cleaning up the apartment and getting it more organized, getting myself on a schedule, trying to shower every day and exercise. The last few days I've had alot of stress and I've started to feel "off". (I contacted my biological father for the first time ever, alot of drama involved. And my boyfriend had a panic attack at work and was rushed to the hospital in case it was a heart attack.) I had a therapy appointment yesterday and felt better. Then I came home and discovered that my new neighbor is an old friend from school. We spent some time chatting and it's the first time I've felt "normal" at all in so long I can't remember. When my boyfriend got home last night he completely freaked out on me. He said a whole bunch of stuff but the basics are... that I seem like I'm just fine to him, he feels taken advantage of, I don't contribute to the household, I am holding us back from having a better life, and that I should run out and get a job. I pretty much crashed instantly into a depression. Everything seems like it isn't real today. I feel like I'm in slow motion. I hate myself for being how I am. This morning we got into another argument because I'm depressed. He said he can't stand self pity and me acting like a zombie. He said that I need to snap out of it and that he isn't going to bother to call me on his breaks at work (which he's done every day for the past 2 years). I feel like I'm not allowed to have a good day or a bad day, all I'm allowed to do is be "normal" and get a job. What if medication never fully stabilizes me? What if I can never feel "normal" and can never deal with getting a job? What if I can never be what he needs to be happy in life? I wish I could just disappear, no one would miss me except to be happy that they aren't inconvenienced by me anymore. Does anyone have any good words of wisdom, or something to say that might cheer me up? I'm just completely miserable today.
You may want to contact your doc and see if a med tweak could help short term.
It sounds like your BF is voicing a lot of stuff that most people keep to themselves. I think he's being mean and overreacting but I have to say honestly that some of his feelings probably aren't all that out of the ordinary. It is difficult to accept that someone you love has any kind of health problem and because most people can control their emotions and thoughts it's just plain hard for them to imagine that someone else can't.
Is there any way the two of you could go to counseling together? He needs to begin to understand that you need time to heal and that torturing you will only make the thing he wants (a more effective you) much more difficult to achieve. BP symptoms are triggered by stress and you've been on meds such a short time. Don't give up.
Please don't be so hard on yourself either! Quite honestly your BF is doing more than enough of that. You have to try to believe in your doctor and keep the lines of communication open with him. I would definitely call him and let him know what's going on.
Can your BF come to your next appointment? Maybe he will understand a little better if a physician explains. At the very least you could consider asking your BF to write down some of his main concerns so you can get some expert answers for him at your next appointment. This is pretty much how I have to deal with my BF from everything from remodeling to dog training!
I think what your BF is doing is very unkind but anger is a step toward acceptance in some people. I don't know if you have BP1 or BP2 but I have BP1 and I was pretty functional up until my son's accident (he's a quadriplegic now). I had a pretty serious break at that time. But I have improved a lot!
I didn't work for 6 years then worked for 3 PT then tried FT. I won't lie, working was more than I could take and I had some pretty serious symptoms. I have done a lot of healing since then. And IMO there are a lot of people without any kind of mental illness who would find my life tough.
Yes, healing is possible with BP. And I function under some fairly stressful conditions. Please don't think that because some people with BP can't work etc that that is a given for you. Symptoms are usually at the crisis point when most of us get on medication and no matter how good the meds it takes time for things to settle down emotionally and otherwise.
Sorry this is so long. Guilt is very common with BP. I still feel guilty for not 'pulling my weight'. But people with MS or rhumitoid arthritis feel guilty too. There are many differences and I wouldn't want either of those illnesses. One of the differences however is that people believe in their disabilities right off the bat. It's that old seeing is believing thing.
I really hope that your BF will come to terms with this. If you are with the right guy he will but he has a lot to make up for. I hope he comes to realize that.
Best of luck! Barbara
However, it wasn't always this way; he used to be more like your boyfriend.
DH went through a period of depression himself. That sure changed his tune. He finally understood what i was dealing with.
He has also put a good deal of effort into reading about BP to learn all about it. When i am in a really bad way he also goes to the doctor with me. I think seeing how seriously the doctor takes my issues has also helped him understand.
Would a joint session with your doctor help? He may believe the doctor more than he believes you. This may be sad, but true.
Susan
Susan