Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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Madness

grenadine
grenadine
I am really struggling right now and I need help but I don't want to ask those around me for help because I don't want to inconvenience them/think I'm a burden.

I have depressing thoughts. I have depressing realizations. I realize that I am worthless and will never amount to anything. I have lost my creativity with all this wellness medication and I used to be an amazing artist. I have lost my memory and I feel like there is no reason for me to live. I can't remember my life or any events in conversation and I will never be able to tell stories of great times in my life. By the way there are no great times in my life. I am never going to get through school because I am a terrible student and I have no career goals. I have no goals. I just want everything to disappear, mainly everything that I am feeling. I have major body image issues and when I picture myself I just see fat and sag. When I look in the mirror it's not as bad as I go around picturing it. But it's not the way I want it. And I don't think it will ever be. I never want to be with a man ever again because I don't want him to see my body. I am dating someone now, and I am just so insecure. I want to call him now but then again I do not because I don't want to burden him and make him think I'm crazy, although he's relatively accepting.

I could write more but then I don't think anyone will read it.

I went to a somewhat formal occasion tonight to celebrate my grandfathers 80th birthday. My great uncle and aunt are the best of the best. Very smart and intellectual and funny and generous and ... just amazing. I crumbled under their glory tonight instead of celebrating it. I just compared myself to everyone and realized I have nothing and what I have is failing.

Ok I'm going on again so I'll just stop.

Will someone help me stop hating myself? It's been going on for far too long and it feels like madness inside my head.
grenadine
grenadine
I'm really flipping out right now, my brother is being the biggest asshole and I just want to yell at him loud in his face because he is such an asshole. Wow. I am so glad we have to sit in the same room right now.
grenadine
grenadine
Thanks. I want to stab myself in the stomacundefinedh with a dagger right now and burn cigarettes on my face. Maybe someday I won't be such a loser and I'll pull it together.. if I make it that far. I appreciate your response but I don't think anyone is going to be able to help me right now. I just hope I survive outside of this.
grenadine
grenadine
Ok I meant to type stomach
deleted_user
deleted_user
i understand what it's like feeling like u can never come close to touching the greatness of those around u. many times i have found myself comparing my life failures to the success and abilities of others. i often find myself overly critical of any minor flaw, and i am extremely hard on myself regarding even minor issues. especially with some members of my family, i am the "lost project" due to the fact that i had so much potential and "squandered" it away because of poor self-esteem and lack of confidence in my abilities as a person. this has leaked into other aspects of my life, including my self-image. so i completely understand the feelings of never being good enough, even to those that are supposed to love, respect, and support us the most.
deleted_user
deleted_user
oh dear,

I have sooooo been where you are at right now!

If I could give any advice it would be the 3 month rule....

I know it sounds like a lifetime to you right now, wanting help immediately......

But I made a decision a while ago to give myself the three month goal.

I could feel like pure crap, for three months, if nothing changed, well, then......

Oh, by the way, I am still here.....

So, my own personal opinion here, not that of a doc or anything, but if you can make it just three months, trying everything you have.....

You might just see that your b=viewpoint has changed a bit.....

????

Maybe???

I am sure this is more than you want to hear right now.....but think about it? ive yourself time to readjust yourself?

Our brains are some crazy, whacked out sh...tuff.... give it time to prove you wrong?

I hope this has helped you a bit....

I know when I heard it, I said, Yeah right......I will prove this theory wrong.... I never did.... fortunately....

again, I am not a doctor, and I am not giving you permission to do ANYTHING in three months, but what's the harm in trying waiting it out for three months???

Anyway....

I have been there.

I hear you.
I understand you.
I emphasize with you.
You are stronger than your brain tells you right now.
You are worth the wait.

xoxoxo
grenadine
grenadine
No ya that was me. I can make myself an extremely presentable person most times. Plus my mood switches like a light sometimes. I just wrote this great response and deleted it somehow.. I'm just glad I'm not alone. Drawing a picture of myself deformed and bleeding helped get the pain out of my head. Drawing is a good coping skill. If I were to get help right now I'd end up on the top floor of the tallest building in the city and I've been there one too many times already. I'd rather get through the night. I just got sick too, started this morning. I have a blazing headache from these angry thoughts now. It's weird I've been functioning very well for a while but lately I get depressing thoughts and realizations. Thanks for hanging in there with me, that helps a lot.
grenadine
grenadine
Thank you both. It does help and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I just feel like I don't try hard enough so I don't go ahead and I fail beforee j start because I feel like I can't accomplish anything. But ya I'll give myself time, I can't wait for five yeArs from now so I will be further into my recoveri that started a year or so ago
deleted_user
deleted_user
you got it.

we are all here for you.

and you are more amazing than you know....

just wait, you will even amaze yourself at times

:)
grenadine
grenadine
Thanks. You're amazing too. I really get that people see good things in me, I get that they believe in me. I wish I could take those positive things and put it in liquid form and drink it when I get like this.

The amazing aunt I was talking about, the eloquent, elegant, well respected writer for the new York times, she hugged me goodbye tonight and said: you're so beautiful and I'm so privileged I know you. I thought, wow, but I couldn't let it sink in. I thought she might just not know me all that deeply because then shed see that I'm horribly flawed and more than normal.
grenadine
grenadine
Thank you toweritegina! I'm happy you understand what that's like.
grenadine
grenadine
Say that's really interesting. I think we do. The feeling hurts so bad so we express ourselves with anger and hatred.

I totally know that part in pretty woman, such a classic. I feel like her, and I have a bad sexual past and it's weird, I always thought I should grow up to be a stripper or a whore and that I should be with a man who beats me. So I get that part too.

Crazy thing having an abusive alcohol for a father (self medicated bipolar too) but good thing my mom divorce him when I was five and I don't see him much. But my stepdad isn't all that great either, better though.

I can't wait to go back to my old therapist, I need her so...

You don't have to respond to all that, I went on a tangent. But yes, I do relate with that part of the movie. Lol
grenadine
grenadine
I'm getting sicker by the second. I usually have a hard time getting to sleep, but if I dOnt respond it's because I was successful. I hate being sick!

Thank you everyone fir your support. I feel better amazingly enough and it's because of you, so, thank you. Such a great support system.

Sending LOVE
grenadine
grenadine
What kind of thread is it? Couldn't make out the typo. Shit I'm not sleepy
grenadine
grenadine
Amazing story, I'm sorry that happened to you. Its true though 1 drunk can affect many people around them.
grenadine
grenadine
It's ok for you to cry and feel bad about that, ri would be feeling the same way. You make some good points. I think it's very important who we surround ourselves with, very important.