Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
This morning, at 11am, I got a diagnosis that I have bipolar I disorder.
I actually had hints of this from two weeks ago when a psychologist I was working with for a psychiatric evaluation started asking me a bunch of questions that I quickly figured out had to do with bipolar disorder. My answers scared the shit out of me.
So I had two weeks to hype myself up for this, I started paying attention to my moods and I noticed some cycling right at the beginning. It seemed that right after I got off the phone call where the psychologist asked me all those questions I went into a mixed state. I spent the next 3 days in mixed state, and on the third day I experienced 3-4 hours of hypomania and then 2-3 hours of depression. I had experienced that high before, but I had always just attributed that to feeling good. Now it was scaring me (although in the middle of it I was feeling pretty damn good).
After that I spent 2 weeks fairly stable until yesterday, the day before my appointment to get my diagnosis. Yesterday I started experiencing depression and anxiety again.
The report with my diagnosis actually had a recommendation that I come to this forum for support, so here I am. I actually feel very lucky though, my boyfriend is bipolar and has been amazingly supportive. I appreciate him so much. Whenever I talk about how grateful I am for him I start crying. I also have several other friends around me that are bipolar, and they have been an incredible help as well.
I had an appointment in the afternoon today with my VA psychologist, so just a few short hours after getting my diagnosis I was able to give a copy of my report to my VA psychologist, and soon I should hopefully be seeing a psychiatrist and I will hopefully be put on some drugs that will help stabilize me.
I am most scared of the very big episodes that I experience. The last one started in mid august last year. I had two months of mixed state, then 3 days of insane manic, then 3-4 months of more mixed state. I seem to heavily favor mixed state, being depression and anxiety, in fact I was also diagnosed this morning with anxiety disorder NOS., along with the bipolar.
I actually attributed everything that happened last year to my recovery from sex addiction. I had 8 months sober when the mixed state started in august, then at 10 months sober I had a major relapse (the 3 days of manic), then I had a 3-4 month long withdrawal from my relapse (mixed state again) Everything seems characterized by immediate shifts. The effects of the mixed state may get worse or better as time goes on, but when I go into mixed state it is within the space of a day or less. When I switched into manic it only took a few minutes. When I crashed out of manic it happened in the space of around 30 seconds to a minute. Then when I came out of mixed state after several months it was characterized by an expression of feelings, followed by the remainder of the day with depression, then the next day I was stable. This has happened before too, the year before. Almost the same exact kind of pattern.
To put everything very simply... I hate this. I wish I wasn't bipolar. I remember so often looking at my bipolar friends and seeing them struggle with moods, with depression, with medication, with whatever and thinking to myself how grateful I am that I am NOT bipolar!
Damnit!
I have been struggling the last week or so with this belief that if I really am bipolar that I am somehow fundamentally flawed. I was crying about that yesterday in my boyfriends arms. Now here I am today, and I am still struggling with that belief.
I hate this, I hate this so much. I wish it wasn't true. But I know it is!! And I hate that I know it too!
I think that I am in the middle of one of those mild cycles right now. I've been going back and forth between depressed, depressed/anxious, and anxious all day. The diagnosis of anxiety disorder NOS. really doesn't help either. How do I know when I am anxious because of the anxiety disorder and anxious because of manic or mixed state?! Argh!
I don't know what else to say. I am just ranting at this point. I had some minor/quick suicidal ideation earlier today. That scared me. I have only had suicidal ideation once before in my life, and that was during those few months after my last major manic episode. I hope that it doesn't continue too much.
I can't believe how easy it was for me to excuse all of the insane behavior and mood swings on my addiction. I seriously believed that it was all just because of my addiction. The time leading up to relapse, the relapse, and then withdrawal. Nothing else. How painfully wrong I was. I just pray to god that it won't happen again this fall, since I have had these manic episodes since I came into recovery two years ago every fall/winter, but it always seems to start at the end of summer or in mid-fall.
I'm going to stop here. Its after 3 am and I have class tomorrow morning. I just hope I can settle all of the issues I am having over this, or at least that this episode would end.
I actually had hints of this from two weeks ago when a psychologist I was working with for a psychiatric evaluation started asking me a bunch of questions that I quickly figured out had to do with bipolar disorder. My answers scared the shit out of me.
So I had two weeks to hype myself up for this, I started paying attention to my moods and I noticed some cycling right at the beginning. It seemed that right after I got off the phone call where the psychologist asked me all those questions I went into a mixed state. I spent the next 3 days in mixed state, and on the third day I experienced 3-4 hours of hypomania and then 2-3 hours of depression. I had experienced that high before, but I had always just attributed that to feeling good. Now it was scaring me (although in the middle of it I was feeling pretty damn good).
After that I spent 2 weeks fairly stable until yesterday, the day before my appointment to get my diagnosis. Yesterday I started experiencing depression and anxiety again.
The report with my diagnosis actually had a recommendation that I come to this forum for support, so here I am. I actually feel very lucky though, my boyfriend is bipolar and has been amazingly supportive. I appreciate him so much. Whenever I talk about how grateful I am for him I start crying. I also have several other friends around me that are bipolar, and they have been an incredible help as well.
I had an appointment in the afternoon today with my VA psychologist, so just a few short hours after getting my diagnosis I was able to give a copy of my report to my VA psychologist, and soon I should hopefully be seeing a psychiatrist and I will hopefully be put on some drugs that will help stabilize me.
I am most scared of the very big episodes that I experience. The last one started in mid august last year. I had two months of mixed state, then 3 days of insane manic, then 3-4 months of more mixed state. I seem to heavily favor mixed state, being depression and anxiety, in fact I was also diagnosed this morning with anxiety disorder NOS., along with the bipolar.
I actually attributed everything that happened last year to my recovery from sex addiction. I had 8 months sober when the mixed state started in august, then at 10 months sober I had a major relapse (the 3 days of manic), then I had a 3-4 month long withdrawal from my relapse (mixed state again) Everything seems characterized by immediate shifts. The effects of the mixed state may get worse or better as time goes on, but when I go into mixed state it is within the space of a day or less. When I switched into manic it only took a few minutes. When I crashed out of manic it happened in the space of around 30 seconds to a minute. Then when I came out of mixed state after several months it was characterized by an expression of feelings, followed by the remainder of the day with depression, then the next day I was stable. This has happened before too, the year before. Almost the same exact kind of pattern.
To put everything very simply... I hate this. I wish I wasn't bipolar. I remember so often looking at my bipolar friends and seeing them struggle with moods, with depression, with medication, with whatever and thinking to myself how grateful I am that I am NOT bipolar!
Damnit!
I have been struggling the last week or so with this belief that if I really am bipolar that I am somehow fundamentally flawed. I was crying about that yesterday in my boyfriends arms. Now here I am today, and I am still struggling with that belief.
I hate this, I hate this so much. I wish it wasn't true. But I know it is!! And I hate that I know it too!
I think that I am in the middle of one of those mild cycles right now. I've been going back and forth between depressed, depressed/anxious, and anxious all day. The diagnosis of anxiety disorder NOS. really doesn't help either. How do I know when I am anxious because of the anxiety disorder and anxious because of manic or mixed state?! Argh!
I don't know what else to say. I am just ranting at this point. I had some minor/quick suicidal ideation earlier today. That scared me. I have only had suicidal ideation once before in my life, and that was during those few months after my last major manic episode. I hope that it doesn't continue too much.
I can't believe how easy it was for me to excuse all of the insane behavior and mood swings on my addiction. I seriously believed that it was all just because of my addiction. The time leading up to relapse, the relapse, and then withdrawal. Nothing else. How painfully wrong I was. I just pray to god that it won't happen again this fall, since I have had these manic episodes since I came into recovery two years ago every fall/winter, but it always seems to start at the end of summer or in mid-fall.
I'm going to stop here. Its after 3 am and I have class tomorrow morning. I just hope I can settle all of the issues I am having over this, or at least that this episode would end.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I was first diagnosed with bipolar when i was 16 an then at 18 a psychiatrist told me I was merely a tree with no trunk (lmao) and then at 21 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and then finally I seen 4 different psychiatrists between 22 and 27 (to date) I have bipolar II..
Please do urself a favour an seek more then 1 opinion..
Hugs for you as i know how hard it is... Everyone seems to think that its all down hill once u have a diagnosis, but its not true.. it can be a consistant struggle.. But thats why we are all here for u...
CHIN UP SWEETIE.. we are all in this together...
Sounds like rapid cycling from all get-out!! Bless you, the docs are going to work with you, and hopefully the meds you take will start to slow down those up-and-down cycles so you can Rest - sometimes!
It's still a journey to learn about yourself, and meds will not fix Everything; therapy helps, but yes, it's a bouncing baby Bipolar Disorder, and you're Stuck with it. (but it kinda grows on you after awhile, lol)
Glad you have your b/f and other friends to support you - how cool is That??
:)
The diagnosis came from one of those massive diagnostic testing evaluation things. I spent a good 16-18 hours doing lots of various tests with the one psychologist over the course of a month, she then wrote up the report and her supervisor, another psychologist, checked it over and, after agreeing with the diagnosis and making sure that there is enough reason for the diagnoses he then signs off on it and then the psychologist who did the testing with me sets up the appointment to give me the report. That was yesterday morning at 11am. The damn thing is a good 25 or so pages long!!!
I almost immediately took the report to my VA psychologist because I already had an appointment at 3:30 with him. He saw the report and the diagnosis and he strongly agreed with the anxiety disorder and the personality disorder NOS. (histrionic traits), but he wasn't sure about the bipolar so he asked me a bunch of questions. After I answered them he agreed too that it is bipolar I.
I think its bipolar I because of the severe manic episode I experienced last year. I believe bipolar II doesn't experience that extremely intense high, but instead mostly just experiences hypomania along with the depressive side of course. I spent the last two weeks thinking I was about to be diagnosed with bipolar II because of how much I seem to favor the depressive side, but I didn't realize that all it took was that one severe manic episode for it to be bipolar I.
Its funny because neither the diagnosing psychologist or my VA psychologist mentioned rapid cycling. My boyfriend has rapid cycling bipolar I though so I have seen what it does. I honestly am not sure. What I do know is that I seem to have two different kinds of episodes, severe and mild. My severe episodes last a good 5-7 months, my mild episodes last 2 days to a week.
I still need to watch myself though, because I have histrionic traits and anxiety disorder things could get confused. I can't be sure when I am experiencing a bipolar episode or anxiety... unless I get hypomanic, then it is obvious since I won't experience that from the anxiety or histrionics.
Thank you guys for welcoming me here, I really appreciate it.
Various pdocs in my life label me "at will", you know - and in the past three years I have been marked as BP2, BP1 and finally BP NOS, simply because they write down what they See at any moment, without looking at the Big Picture.
That's where You come in, as you Accept the dx, and work with Yourself through med compliance, journaling and daily effort to Manage "whatever you've got" to keep a Balance in your life.
It Can happen. :)
Having a diagnosis and treatment will have you working towards wellness...this is a controllable disorder... hang on it will get better.. bless you...x
You have such insight for one just diagnosed!!! And seem to have a pretty good handle on everything, too!!! I think both things really bode well for you, when it will come to treating you!!!
Don't forget!!! Your life is essentially the same as it was when you were looking at your friends and being grateful that yours was not like theirs. You watched them struggling with their lives even as you were struggling with your own and found reason to be grateful!!! Keep being grateful!!!
I know what you mean about hating it!!! I still hate it, at times. But I'm getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, as time goes on.
It can be immensely helpful to keep a mood chart and it almost sounds as though you've been doing exactly that, all along!!!!
I hope that once your treatment is in place, you'll be much happier both in life and with your situation!!! I'm so glad that you have other Bipolars in our 'real life', too!!! So did I, even before I was diagnosed!!! I found that very helpful!!!
The best of luck to you!!! I hope you like it here!!! (((((Hugs)))))
I am now on:
Buspirone HCL 15MG
Divalproex 500MG 24H
I think the Buspirone is the anti-anxiety, and the Divalproex is the mood stabilizer. Just upon realizing that they were going to prescribe me something I started calming down, since the fear driving the high anxiety was all about NOT getting meds for over a month. So now I have meds. I took the anti-anxiety almost right away, and then took the mood stabilizer around 20 minutes ago. I experienced some interesting side effects around 40-60 minutes after taking it, weird feelings, dizziness, a bit of a headache, an odd twitch in my body, and then most of it went away. I still feel kinda weird and I have a slight headache but I feel fairly relaxed... and the best part...
For the very first time in my life my legs are not shaking!!!!!!
That is SO freaking cool!!!! ^_^ So far - I like this stuff!