Hi everyone, I am a 22 year old female, a recent college graduate (class of 2020), and am now living at home with my parents and brother in the suburbs of NJ. My gender pronoun is she/her. I have an adorable rescue dog named Jefferson, who we call Jeff, just to explain my username lol. I just applied to Physician Assistant schools but graduated from college with a Psychology major and Health & Wellbeing minor, so I am happy to be a source of support for others on here.

So, I just wanted to briefly share my story. I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 15 after having a full-blown manic episode. At that time, I went through treatment and it got better, but then I sort of just went off to college a few years later without following through on any sort of therapy or medication. I also have always known I have constant low-grade generalized anxiety, but was never really treated for this either, as I sort of just tried to live with it and push through. I was lucky to have a very supportive, loving network of friends and family at home in NJ that really helped me after my manic episode and I felt great when I started college. When I got to college, I immediately entered a sort of stable, but low phase, worsened by my extreme homesickness. The Fall was kind of a rough, low semester, but in the Spring, I became hypomanic and was going out a lot and being more sexually permiscuous. I, then, met a guy who I ended up dating for two and a half years during the fall of my second year of college. He really stabilized me and kept me safe, although with time, I began to completely project my anxieties and mental health issues onto him. The relationship became very unhealthy and codependent as a result. However, because of him, I really matured and got good grades for the majority of college. I never received treatment for my mental health in college although I definitely should have.

I moved home from college in Virginia back to Jersey in March when everything started to hit the fan with the pandemic and my classes were moved online. Shortly after moving, I decided to break up with my long term college boyfriend of over two years. We had been having unhealthy relationship issues for awhile and with all of the uncertainty of the pandemic, I sort of acted impulsively. At the time, my grandfather, who has always been a huge role model and inspiration to me, was in his last days after living with Leukemia for 3 years. He passed away two days after I decided to go on a "break" from my boyfriend. I decided to completely breakup with him a week later, after I had already slept with a new guy that I met on Tinder. As one can imagine, both of these difficult and traumatic events caused me to spiral, sort of immediately into a hypomanic episode, involving many romantic pursuits, shopping, last-minute trips, and impulsive decisions. I began to see a therapist in June, which helped but not nearly enough as I only was seeing her every 2-3 weeks. My behavior caused many conflicts with friends and family members, particularly those who were not understanding of my anxiety and my situation, which was causing erratic behavior. Of course, the thing that made everything worse was that I had been working at a dermatology office since April and my boss was a toxic, manipulative, controlling perfectionist. She valued profit over keeping employees safe, healthy, and mentally sane during a pandemic. She continuously would raise her expectations of me, criticize me, and belittle me, often blaming me for the fact that I was clearly suffering from many personal issues. As you all probably would imagine, she was a huge trigger for my anxiety and bipolar tendencies.

Well anyway, things sort of reached a breaking point due to several situations with failed romantic relationships and family drama. My parents told me that I really needed to go to a psychiatrist. By the way, my dad is also bipolar, which was a huge trigger for me. Of course, I told them I would not see someone unless he did. He finally made an appointment for himself, so I finally gave in and decided to make myself an appointment too.

On Tuesday, I saw the psychiatrist who seems to be a great, caring, knowledgeable doctor. He officially diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and ADHD, after telling him my life story. I am now starting on a low dose of Lamictal and he will add an anti-depressant in about 5 weeks. I kind of had a meltdown yesterday morning out of anxiety for having to go to work, so I called him and he put me on a medical leave for a few weeks. I am already interviewing for new jobs because I really enjoy working and feeling busy, as long as its a healthy work environment. He also gave me anxiety and sleep meds for emergencies. I also started a new romantic relationship, which has been going really well, but of course, adds to my anxiety, as I am already afraid of it not working out since I like him so much and obviously had a failed relationship in the past. I am hoping, though, that since I am finally really addressing my mental illness, things will be better this time.

The main issue now is that I have more free time, so I am more anxious about getting into PA school, as I still have not heard back or had any interviews. I also am nervous that I am not working, as it sometimes helps me to be busy, but I am just trying to focus on my health and spending time with supportive people. I additionally often use essential oils, yoga, running, music, nature, and walking my dog as a coping mechanism for stress/anxiety, so I am continuing with those. I am actually kind of more at peace after being given these diagnoses, as it really validates that there is something genuinely wrong with my brain that I cannot control and I am not "crazy" as many people would likely label me. However, it is always hard for me to quiet my mind and I often wake up in the middle of the night as there are just so many stressors in my life and in the world that I worry about, and I struggle to sleep, which is an ongoing issue. Please reach out if you have any tips or if you relate at all to any part of my story.

Sending love and support to you all :)