2-29-2007

A Day In The Life Part 1

When I was really little, my father wanted me to become a nurse. It was his way of saying that he wanted me to take care of him when he got older and couldnt take care of himself. Now, I can barely take care of myself. My fathers up in his old age hitting good old 58, and already had his first heart attack. I still havent lived up to his expectations. I am a failure. Have you ever felt like you were on top of the world and could accomplish everything you ever dreamed of being?

I get that feeling every now and then. The last time I felt like that my euphoria lasted for 6 months. I am manic depressive, or otherwise known as one who suffers from bipolar disorder. I have two poles. Let me tell you how I learned what manic depression was like in psych class before I was even ready to accept my own diagnosis. My professor said that it was like a train track running across from one side of your brain to the other. Except the train switch station was broken and the train would never make it to the other side of the tracks ever. Thats my very first thought, my first idea.

The first time I ever remembered or even understood what manic depression was. Yes, I took psych class in high school, but never really focused on what manic depression was until my first time in college. I dropped out of college because I cant keep the grades up. I am not a scholarly person, but I can write. They tell you when youre younger if you dream it you can do it. So not true. Its such an illusion. If it werent an illusion you think Id be living my life as a depressed manic-depressive? So not true. Id be living my dreams of being a writing teacher like I always wanted to do with my time. But instead I am writing this book or memoir of my life. My first time I had my first real hallucinations that I can remember were way back last year in April of 07. My husband told me this ghost story about a guy who used to live here in our house who killed himself. And, well that was when my hallucinations begun; I would hear a please help me late at night around 2am when my husband was working. Then, followed by a NOOO.I then heard an evil satanic type laugh. Thats when I started to accept the diagnosis a psych unit psychiatrist gave me back in Halloween of 2005. He told me I was borderline bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. To this day I still dont know what that means. Its just a mere diagnosis to me. Just another way of telling me that I am going to be crazy for the rest of my entire existence.