Today started out ok. I was feeling kinda good. then reality hits. medical bills come in, the reminders of the ppl that don't understand and the work that screwed me.. and so it starts!

I got so angry that I could of someone in the hospital if they just looked at me wrong. I broke a few things, punched a few others.. I was completely out of control! started to have nasty thoughts of how I would hurt ppl. down to the lil details. seeing it all in my head. even getting excited to see their blood spilling on the ground and destroying their lives just like I felt they did to mine. ugly thoughts of.. well, lets just say that I could write a great horror movie.

then all that energy goes away and I'm left so drained, so the depression come in. the feeling that I can't do nothing right. that I'm the one to blame. and the I'm the one that deserves to be tortured to a grim death. I walk/passed around with a knife in my hands just telling my self it would be much easier that way.

Sometimes I feel that I can't trust noone. and sometimes I feel i can't trust my self. Nothing I do come out right. I screw up everything I try to do. And even though I have a "friend' that loves me dearly, I feel that its not what I'm looking for. sometimes she is more stress that help. So I start daydreaming that there is someone else out there that can actually understand me, someone that can love me the way I once felt long ago. just to remember that I was the one to screw that up, there for, I don't deserve it and I will never find that again... and the rollercoaster continues.

I'm so tired to the nasty thoughts in my head. I'm so tired of feeling that there's some hope of a real love that will understand and accept me for who I am.. ya know, the type you only seem to see in movies now a days.. just to have that dream torn apart by my own mind telling me that it will never be. that there's no hope for me so I should just be happy with what I have. but I'm not happy. My life is falling apart around me and there's nothing I can do.

I use to have a reoccurring dream where I would enter a flower garden and this beautiful angel would easy all my uncontrolled thoughts and make my fears go away.. but many years ago, while having that dream again, when I entered this garden, this angel was crying. when I ask what was wrong she told me that she could not help me anymore. She kissed my cheek and with tears in her eyes said goodbye. And for the first time in one of these dreams she, not me, was the one that walked out of the garden. I only had that dream once more, and when I went into that garden, it was empty. she wasn't there, and all the flowers had died. I never had that dream again. deep inside, knowing that it was just a dream, I wish that she would come back.. it has been almost 10 years now.. nothing. I know it was just a silly dream, but those dreams got me through allot of heartache.

I really don't know where I was going with this.. and this is something I've only told 2 ppl in my whole life. Not sure why I'm talking about it now either... I guess thats my ADD side.. lost again, with out a clue. story of my life. If that makes any sense. .... I miss her, even if she wasn't real.

Gonna go cry my self to sleep now. Hope you all have a great day!