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I got a knife and put it to my wrist

jfulk
jfulk
I am really disagreeing with my wife on how she is conducting herself in a particular situation. It seems that it's always fine for her to give me her opinion and cut me down, but when I disagree with her on something, it's completely terrible.

Her token defense is: "I just really needed your support." I'm getting sick of that bullshit phrase! I felt and still feel completely helpless. I walked into the kitchen and got a knife and held it to my wrist. I looked at it and felt better. I poked by skin, not breaking it, but feeling the stab a bit. I then thought whether I needed to cut vertically or horizontally.

If I die, my life is insured for a great deal of money and I really don't care that much. But I put the knife back, went to the couch and have been sitting in silence for a while. I decided to come here and post this. I'm a "foul weather" poster on DS and that makes me feel like a mooch.

I want out. Too cowardly at the moment to kill myself, but I really do want it all over.
dancingd
dancingd
REMEMBER ....these thoughts and feelings are a lie !
Your brain has a bio-chemical imbalance, that manifests as mood disorder.

Give yourself some time to decompress after the argument with your spouse.

If these thoughts of self harm continue, you need to address them ASAP..as in going to the ER, or contacting your Pdoc ASAP

I wish the best for you
sadiegirl13
sadiegirl13
I'm glad you didn't cut, and I'm glad you posted here. Your life is worth more than this disagreement. I agree with dd.
mugwort
mugwort
I think dancingkid and sadiegirl13 are absolutely right. I don't know your entire situation since I only familiar with your side and not your wife's. It sounds like yyou wanted to show your wife exactly how you were feeing. Did it matter how she responded? It did seem like she really hurt you. I get the impression your marriage could use counseling. I don't presume that's necessarily in the cards. How often do you hold a knife to your wrist when you get upset. Was it a way of cry for help, getting attention, bent up frustration or ?
jfulk
jfulk
This is the first time I have ever done this. It's the middle of the night and I awakened very numb of any feelings whatsoever. As I said...I've never felt the need to cut myself or done anything like this. I currently don't feel like I want to cut at all, I just really hate feeling like this and would rather die. That's it...plain and simple.

Thanks for the kind words. Even though I know them all intellectually, it helps to read them from others. I've talked myself through it before and suspect I will again. I just don't care...not at all. I doubt if she knew what I did, she'd care at all.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you sweetie... I'm so sorry you were feeling like this... I have replied to your other post but wanted to give you a big hug here...xo
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
There's nothing wrong with posting on DS whenever you want to jf... People do what works for them... Please don't ever feel bad about that...x
Precious97
Precious97
It's hard not to cut, I fought the urge myself today, won it like you. Just remember that life is worth living. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it but really it is. It's a struggle at best at times but remember that it's not worth ending life over. Nothing is. Hang in there. You need to find a reason to fight for life.
mugwort
mugwort
It sounds like your wife is rather uncaring. I don't want to get into your relationship with her. I suspect that would be stepping on your toes. Its my understanding this was your first time with the knife incident. Wanting to die seems to me you should contact your Pdoc and go to the psych ER asap.
jfulk
jfulk
Thank you everyone. I've never picked the knife up and pressed it to my skin before. I'm ashamed of it and haven't told anyone. And I really don't intend to tell anyone else. But I am tired of fighting for life.

I knew a man that seemed to be so happy, had a good family, a loving wife and a good job. He seemed well adjusted and had a good sense of humor. One day with no warning, he went and shot himself out of nowhere, ending his life. It was a terrible thing for everyone involved. I'm so afraid I'm going to be just like him.
topspeed
topspeed
Perhaps its time to get help before you fallow through.. or fail in an attempt.
Lola694
Lola694
TRY NOT TO CUT, MY FRIEND. i KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THAT IT HELPS YOU COPE WITH THE EMOTIONAL PAIN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY COUPLES THERAPY. IT CAN DO WONDERS FOR A MARRIAGE. i'M SENDING POSITIVE VIBES YOUR WAY.
Lola694
Lola694
NO SUICIDE ATTEMPTS EITHER. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE WORTH A GREAT DEAL AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T HELP RIGHT NOW, THINGS WILL GET BETTER. YOU NEED TO GO TO THE NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM IF YOU ARE GOING TO TRY TO END IT. THEY WILL PLACE YOU IN THE HOSP. FOR A BIT, UNTIL YOU ARE BETTER. YOU ARE A PRIZE. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT
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