Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I got out of the hospital a couple days ago. My moods never used to be this bad but it changed a couple months ago, and got extreme a couple weeks ago. I would have massive panic attacks while doing something like making Mac n cheese or going for a walk. It was so sudden and for no reason. I would go out and get wasted. Meet random people from online. Have sex with different people. Sometimes 5 different people in one week. Then I got into a depressive state at what seemed like the flip of a switch. And it got to the point where I was drinking every night and wishing for death. I attempted suicide right before easter, obviously failing. I feel no remorse or shame. I feel nothing about it. I became obsessed with researching the best way to kill myself. I attempted twice and one big panic attack while having my 2 year old witness it was enough for me to turn myself in to seek help. I still wanted to kill myself. But I thought if I was going to keep holding it off my kids deserve a way better mother. A functional one at least. One that can get off of the couch and make them meals and play games with them and make them laugh. They don't deserve this. So the hospital decided to turn me into the cops hands-even though I came in volunteeraly seeking help. And told me I HAD to be held at the "behavioral health center" at the city clinic. In other words. You'e going to the looney bin you psychotic woman. I slept for 2 days straight there and didn't eat anything. The psychiatrist obviously didn't like that because he threatened me with heavy medication and when I said I didn't want that shit he told me I "wouldn't have a choice after I take you to court". I was good after that. I ate my meals and went to groups like a good girl. I even took the meds they "strongly urged" me to take. They let me go 6 days later-with a couple of pills. I have had to keep myself busy ever since. Cleaning, going to outings I would never go to like bingo just to be out in public, taking the kids more. Because if I'm alone with my thoughts all I can think about is how much I want to die. I have new found motivation to clean and do The things I need to do. But I still feel The same. The pills make me feel hallow. Empty. Nothing. Why does it so much effort to live? I don't know...I feel I will be like this until I die.
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In all it's splendid colour!!I'm up for a very short time I hope...It's too early for me but I always seem to have these early awake times where I'm not quite ready to get upAnother chore day for me as I didn't get done all I wanted to yestetdayI hope that your day is blessed...xo
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
I was actually thankful for finally getting it.... Once I was diagnosed there was something to work with and stability to be had
BP is not a death sentence by any means.... I would take street drugs and booze completely off of the table and work with your doctor to find your stable place
And you will find it.... We have a chronic but treatable disorder.... We just have to work WITH the treatment and not against it
This is a good board..... I'm glad that you're here..... Big hug.....xo
What you're doing is incredibly hard, so freaking hard, but you are doing it. I was Diagnosed BiPolar 29 years ago, 6 weeks after my first son was born, when I tried suicide the first time sitting on the floor beside his crib because I was convinced he deserved a better mom and I was barely 21 years old and didn't know what the hell was going on in my head. I have 2 sons, they are 28 and 19 and they've grown up with a BiPolar mother and 5 Inpatient Psych admits/4 suicide attempts. It is not easy when you make yourself live because you have to go through the motions each day for your children, but you can't always find the thing inside you that makes you want to. Your not a bad mom, your definitely not alone in this, and you seem to be doing the all that you can, never let yourself forget that.
I noticed your age, your 27, and getting close to 30; hormones change as you get closer to 10 year age markers and in women hormonal changes can trigger changes in BiPolar moods. Do you take any form of Birth Control? That too would contribute to hormonal changes. Often around your 30's and 40's mood changes occur and medications that were working can become ineffective, it's not unusual. Its really important to work carefully with your Pdoc letting them know whether new meds are helping or if your not seeing any changes after you've been on them a few weeks. Getting the medication cocktail right is a really big part of effective treatment for BiPolar Disorder. Stability is very possible, but it can take some time and work to get thing into the right mix. Do you have a Therapist that you see regularly for talk-therapy? That's the 2nd component to effective treatment.
Getting out and about during the day and not keeping yourself locked in is a really good thing, Just taking walks in the sunshine during the day, getting natural Vitamin D can help with Depression, and it helps with the energy that can be very lacking. I'm sure your kiddo's enjoy getting out and about as well. I'll tell ya, one thing I always did was talk to my boys, in age appropriate ways, about my illness. I never wanted them to be scared or confused or think mom was going nuts and just didn't know what to do. I didn't grow up with much in the way of parents, and the feelings of confusion and fear were never gone for long. I never wanted my kids to have those feelings. I coudn't do anything to change the BiPolar, but I could make sure that my boys understood why things happened the way they did and for what reason.
All you can do is try the best you can and take each day 1 at a time. Working closely with your Pdoc to make sure your meds are doing the best job they can and seeing a Therapist routinely, those are your best chances of continuing to treat the BiPolar effectively.
Take care,
Kat
Take a deep breath and try, really try! to feel good about yourself. You're doing the impossible, every day. I have 2 young kids, 6 and 2, and I know what it's like, it's so unfair that some people have to struggle so hard with the stuff others moms sail through or even enjoy. And then you feel guilty for not being the mom you wish you could be and the guilt makes it worse. I can suffocate and die in just my guilt alone. I've done a bunch of messed up stuff while I was manic and depressed. Things that make me not so great of a mom but also not so great as a person.
Guilt has been the hardest emotion for me to work through by far. So try not to let yourself get stuck there.
It sounds like whatever meds they have you on now helped stabilize you but might not be the best for long term. Your pdoc should openly listen and encourage you when you talk about med changes and if not, get a new one. This is your life, you have to live it every day and you deserve the best shot at stability and a good quality of life. The right med or med cocktail exists. It's so hard to find what works for you but keep trying.
You always have to keep trying.
((Hugs))