You can tell yourself that committing suicide won't affect your son or any of your family members, but you're wrong. When the depression gets bad we're pretty good at convincing ourselves that we have no one that loves or cares for us, that our not being on this Earth anymore won't make a difference....

Problem is by the time you figure out your wrong, it's generally too late and the ones you leave behind are stuck with the pain and loss.

It is not your family's responsibility to do things in your best interest, your a grownup, you need to do whats in your best interest....you need to be your best advocate. As for having to do what everyone else wants....are they holding a knife to your back and forcing you? You don't have to do what others want, you can stand firm and spend your time taking care of you, getting you better and making sure your son still has a mom.

Perhaps a visit with your Pdoc and an adjustment to your meds might give you some relief and help you see things clearer and not covered in the darkness and despair of Depression.

Have you been reading my therapy journal, Jennifer? I am pretty sure that these very words are in there somewhere. Not that I care to read my therapy journal far enough to find them. . . Insert Red Hot Chili Pepper song here. "I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day." I still get pretty gnarly flashbacks from reading my therapy journal. That sucker is about 150 volumes of raw hyper-graphia.

Gentlest of empathy and support while you work your way through it. Hope healing happens here.

Hey Jenn glad to see you back but not under these circumstances. Wish life was better for you, I really do. I relate to alot of what you say. Nothing seems to be working here, either. We just need to hang on. I know its hard - I think of suicide alot as well. Some days more than others. Its sad. For me its my mom that I would have trouble leaving behind. She keeps me here. But after she's gone? All bets are off. Please know Im thinking of you and saying prayers for both of us.

Hi Jenn,

I enjoy it when you are back here but I can only echo Deb's comment "Well not under these circumstances." I'm sorry to hear you are this down...

I don't think you could find anyone on this board who hasn't felt what you are going through...and many of us have acted on our feelings...

Here's what I learn d from my suicide attempts...people even the most peripheral you can think of are effected by your sudden loss to suicide.

I hear you on not being able to fix a brain...winter is the worst time for depression. I too will add you to the prayer list and send all the good vibes I can you way. Any chance on getting a medication tweak? Gentle hug Jenn I'm so sorry you are in this kind of pain (((hugs))))

It would be nice to have a magic wand, wouldn't it? I don't have one but I do wish you some more peace and less pain.

Hi Jenn,
I know its not been easy and lingering long term pain is even more difficult to bear on a day to day basis, but you have been blessed with the gift of life and even if its painful now its going to get better someday. That someday will come but you will have to be alive to experience it and being dead there will be nothing left.

I would be lying if i said i haven't thought of ending my life many times, being bipolar for the past 20 yrs, but the thought that keeps me going is to think "let the world murder me, i won;t surrender my life so easily" you know give it fight, though i know it might be very hard for you to even wake up during these dark times but you will have to keep going.

And sometimes we have to be selfish and take care of ourself no matter what the consequences. Wheather others like it or not we have to be well first and happy to make others happy, So please see a pdoc, get a med tweak and be a little selfish for yourself, live a little for yourself.. Hugs..

Thank you everyone. I didn't sat specifically I was going to end my life. I'm just tired of living. This is because I've tried and my life has been one disaster after another. Now any kind of stress can trigger an episode. My son is very demanding with me which is rough. Other family members have done very hurtful things to me.

I know it's not anybody else's job to take care of me. I'm tired of being judged.

Jennifer, you are one tiny step away from where I lived most of my life, only I made lots of attempts. I'm still struggling, currently with mania. But, I am, and have been for the first time since before my teens, not suicidal. I went into hospital in December because I couldn't handle living like I did any more.
My point here is to keep looking for the help you need. It's out there. I hope that you can find somewhere, be it inside you or outside, that you feel safe and loved and wanted. I for one don't wish you'd die and this is the first I've seen your posts

thank you